This is bat country

Ugh.

So last night M and I worked this club we were booked at. Its not exactly in London but its London enough. The hotel is more expensive than we were told. Nice enough room. M is nice enough but I crave some privacy. Right now I am sitting on the toilet on the conference room floor of our hotel. I left M in Subway buying a sandwich. I think I almost had an anxiety attack, tears swelled up in my eyes. I am definately feeling overwhelmed. Welcome to London...

Too many people, too much M, always talking in her high pitched Slovakian accent, constantly repeating herself and sending out negative energy that is bringing me down. I am pushing myself as it is.

I knew coming here would be a bad idea.

Last night was torturous. Im too tired and overwhelmed to even go into it. And I have to go and do it all again tonight.

Make it a game I remind myself. Its just a treasure hunt at the end of the day. Stop being so fucking friendly, youre not a Brownie selling cookies.

Good points:
- I stayed smiling
- I stayed sober
- I never sat down alone
- I remembered everyone's names
- I gave a good stage show and smiled and was playful
- I offered a second dance at the end of my first dance
- I didnt stay for longer than one song
- I went back to everyone who said maybe later.

Bad points:
- The fucking Topless Teaser going straight into a 2-for-1 dance offer they have at the club!
- Being forced to stay until 4am, despite being too exhausted to think
- Only doing four dances and coming home with £48.
- No one buying repeat dances from me
- All the maybe laters saying no when I came back
- Cutting my knees and getting my hands dirty on the dirty stage
- Not getting a moments peace with M around all the time
- Not knowing whether to go home on Sunday because M isnt staying and I cant afford £60 a night for the hotel
- If I leave, I miss out on seeing my London friends
- Not being able to eat healthily because we are in a dodgy low class London suburb.
- Having to wear a gown until 1am
- Not getting internet in our hotel room

No wonder my horoscope for today says this:

You might feel as if time is running out and you haven't yet received an acknowledgment for what you did. Instead of holding out for near-immediate satisfaction, do whatever is necessary to talk yourself out of your current need for recognition. Oddly enough, you'll be happier if you can withdraw for a while to recharge your emotional batteries.

And I wonder, if my sales skills were better, would I enjoy working at this club? Of I sold to even just 80% of the people I spoke to last night, and came home with over £100, would I be happy to stay here?

So I go back tonight, with trepidation, willing myself to make more than £100 because it could be my last night here. If M leaves on Sunday, then I have to foot the hotel bill which I cant afford unless Janet sends another girl to stay with me.

I know where I went wrong last night, I didnt approach every customer, which gave me too much time to think, Im better at spotting time wasters, but still blaming myself for not selling to everyone. I should have kept myself busy by approaching everyone. I should be more sexy and seductive and less sweet, friendly girl. And I didnt keep my eye on my goal - £160 take home.

A fucking paltry £160.

I think its just not worth being a stripper in London. But how else am I to get money for Oz?

I was standing there most of the night feeling like I was waiting for better quality customers. I guess I should have remembered that you have to do the best with what youve got.

Suck it up. Do the fucking Topless Teaser, be more horny, objectify yourself even tho it cuts you up, make that fucking money. Focus. Dont disappoint G and mom.