Little Miss Lost

Im sitting in the Walkabout and there is a young guy doing an open mic night. I like his voice and his guitar melodies. The songs are soft and remind me of being a teenager. They remind me of another time when I also felt lost and yet it wasnt the same feeling of lost that I feel now.

Im a pint and a half of cider down and these things always become apparent when my edges have been softened by alcohol.

This whole massive failure of coming to London has slapped me back in the face of my biggest issue again - what the fuck am I doing with my life? I dont want to be a waitress and Im just not cut out for stripping. Altho, I do still want to experience dancing in a biker bar, covered in tattoos and rock chick clothes, dancing with attitude to rock music.

Do what you love pops into my mind and I realise that I dont love anything. The only thing I love is NOT doing anything.

For the first time in my life I am home sick. Home sick for my mom, my boyfriend, my home, my town, my peaceful life without the impending feelings of overwhelm that smacked me hard like an icy wind i the two days Ive been here.

I have amazing friends. I got so many supportive texts last night while I was at work. I managed to take home £92. I stayed positive for the first few hours and worked it. I did seven dances, but I couldnt help thinking, Im better than this. I felt like I was selling myself short. I felt degraded. I made too many connections with strangers, gave them too much of what they really needed, filled them up and emptied myself. I slept all day today. I changed my flight. Im going home tomorrow.

I guess my biggest test of faith comes in the next four weeks. Trusting that I will have money to go to Australia. Four weeks and Ill be gone, beginning my journey on a new chapter of my life.

May this new chapter bring me awareness, awakening, enlightenment. I just want to walk into my true self, to live fully in who I really am and let my existence benefit everyone around me.

Im back at that place where Im craving to recede into a hermetic lifestyle. I crave to just live quietly in a small, out of the way place, away from so much.

I am overwhelmed by the lack of perfection all around me and while sometimes I can accept that what is, is perfect, there are times that I just cannot see it and I begin to suffer anxiety attacks.

After I got my Peace and Love tattoos on my wrists, they didnt mean that much to me. But I am reminded of the reason I got them. Peace and Love are the two most important and hardest things you can achieve in this life.

I miss being a teenager. I miss that feeling of not really knowing who you are but being ok with that because you knew you were young and youd figure it out. now more than 10 years later, Ive not figured it out and I feel sad.

I sat in that dressing room last night and looked at my reflection. I looked ugly. I felt ugly. I didnt want to be there. I was going against what was best for me.

I guess, Im seeking purity. Peace of spirit, peace of mind, peace of heart. Total acceptance of myself and restful satisfaction in the knowledge that I am ok.

I definately think I am going to follow spirituality, learn more about New Age things, this year will be a quest for peace and purity. I feel like I want to clean out my old, destructive thoughts and consequent actions.

We may only have 5yrs left on this earth.

I have been getting a lot of income about The Secret. Im thinking its a sign to watch/read it again and get my life back on track. I ended up in Newquay because all I could think about was this life by the sea, where I would surf and skate and be relaxed and have great friends about me and thats what I got. Then I stopped thinking about anything and Ive lost my way again.