I found this on a website tonight and believe it should be shared with as many people as I can share it with.
Love is the reason for our existence. Love is the reason we do the best we can for those we care about and the greatest lesson we can learn. We are on this earth to fulfill our own potential - to live, to love and to learn. Each of us is a unique individual. No-one else has exactly the same personality and abilities that we have. We must find out what we are to do in this life - and do it.
Love is the greatest gift we can give or be given.
Many excellent books have been written on improving communication between couples, but they are sometimes so long that people lose their way and give up reading. Instead, here are the lessons of a lifetime condensed down to a few pages.
If many of us did as little about our work as we do about our marriages, we would lose our jobs.
Love is a verb, and a verb is a "doing" word. Love is different from being "in love." When people are "in love" they are different emotionally, even physically, having such a rosy outlook on life that they become virtually a different person at that time. This state usually lasts several months. Therefore, when two people are "in love" they are different from the people they usually are. Obviously, this is not a good time to choose a life-long partner, but is the time when many marriages are formed.
So many people today are living in the "fast lane" rushing from one relationship to another, wanting to experience everything in life, but ending up only skimming the surface, valuing little and feeling cheated.
A couple may meet, "fall in love," move in together, "fall out of love," and move on to the next person, several times, becoming more disillusioned with love every time. Children may be born and raised in a home with little permanence and stability, only to grow up and perpetuate the same transient life-style. Young people often do not feel ready to settle down with just one person. However, each time a relationship comes to an end they do not know how to deal with their feelings of failure.
Many men, especially in their teens and twenties, are constantly looking for "conquests" that will raise their status among their peers, whereas women are looking for "the one and only" to spend their life with. This behaviour can even be seen while watching T.V. with men clicking the remote control from programme to programme, catching a bit here and a bit there, hunting, not wanting to miss anything, whereas women tend to stay with one programme, seeing it through to the end even if it is boring.
We can choose what we do but we cannot choose the consequences of what we do.
A lot of men appear to have great difficulty in coping with failure of any kind and seem programmed only to deal with success. When faced with business failure or unemployment they sometimes see suicide as the only way out. Men and women have just as many hopes and dreams for the future as each other, but when life takes a more disappointing path than the one they had planned then anger is the result of their unfulfilled expectations. People who do not know how to cope with their feelings of rejection and anger at the end of a relationship will cover up their feelings, so they are "locked in" and often erupt in aggression and violence. Others also shut off their feelings but instead of exploding outwards are more likely to go inwards and become depressed or nagging.
We are only as strong as our weakest link. Find out what that is and strengthen it.
People's feelings may be locked away inside for many years, never being brought out into the open for fear they will destroy the present way of life. A couple may live together for years, never knowing the real hopes and dreams and nightmares of each other, living parallel lives that run along side by side but are separately enclosed in their own security blanket .
Many people have idealistic thoughts, often from childhood, about how their wedding and marriage will be, and are disillusioned when reality sets in. They may look for love elsewhere, not realising they will not be satisfied with anyone else, no matter who it is, because they are not happy with themselves. The grass may be greener over the other side of the fence, but you will still have to mow it! The reality of life is that there are dirty clothes to wash, the car to fix, bills to pay and disability, disease and even death, no matter who you are married to. The help of good counselling is vital to discover the real values and opinions of each partner.
Questions about money, children, jobs, relatives, housework, need to be discussed before marriage, not left until afterwards.
When a man and woman come together as a couple they bring with them not only two different personalities, but also two different backgrounds, standards and ideas. Too many people expect their spouse to be a thought-reader. Ideas, frustrations or hurt feelings need to be explained. The only way we can understand each other's point of view is to talk, talk, talk to each other, and listen carefully - that's why we have two ears and only one mouth. When we first meet, that is easy, but as time moves on and the novelty wears off, the silence settles in as gradually as rust forming.
Each person needs to be shown love in the particular way that they need it, that it indicates love to them, not how we think they should be loved. Ask your spouse to say or do for you what you need. Be specific. Do not wait for your spouse to change - you change.
To love someone is to love their potential into reality.
Laughter is so important. Without it we cannot thrive. There will be many times when life seems to make us travel through an emotional desert. Sometimes we think we are too sad ever to smile again and we long for the release of laughter. It has been said that one of the ways to judge the success of a business is by how happy the employees are at work. That can apply to the home too. Actively look for ways to make yourself and others smile. Encourage a sense of humour. A smile is of no value to anyone until it is given away. We all have our faults but we can forgive a lot if someone makes us smile.
A smile shortens the distance between two people.
Look at what you want in life. If what you have got now is not what you want, then change direction. If you were driving north but later realised you should really be driving east you would not continue driving north and still expect to get to where you wanted to. Either stay with what you've got because that is all you are ever going to get, or give up what you've got now for something better. Often the something better means changing ourselves and our outlook. This does not necessarily mean separation or divorce, but a re-think and discussion. It is scary to leave our comfort zone to do this but the results can be wonderful.
Challenges in life are either obstacles blocking our way, or stepping stones to progress, depending on how we view them.
We know we shall have opposition in all things, and this becomes easier to cope with when we understand that eventually we become stronger through facing our challenges. When we can view even the wreckage of our past in a positive way and see what we have learned from it, that we may not have learned any other way, then we free ourselves from endlessly blaming others, and ourselves, and can move on and progress.
One of the main purposes of this life is for us to learn to love ourselves and other people. We need to have the rough edges of our personality smoothed off. Often when the novelty of being "in love" has worn off we find we are married to someone the complete opposite of ourself, an introvert with an extrovert, a thinker with a do-er, a tidy with a messy. This realisation may be accompanied by shock and horror, but the reality is that this combination of personalities is the most effective way for us to see our own weaker points and improve them, eventually turning ourselves from sour lemons into sweet lemonade.
We need to understand more about ourselves and our individual personalities. A saucepan and a kettle are different but both boil water. Repeating that - a kettle and a saucepan both boil water, but they are different. It does not matter what people look like - it's who they are that counts. If a saucepan or kettle is not replenished with water it will boil dry and crack apart. If people do work they are not really suited to, but endure just because they must have a job, they need to be replenished when they go home. Someone who enjoys being with people, but whose job involves working alone, will need to be with people when off-duty, to be re-energised. A person who prefers to be alone, but whose work involves interacting with other people, will need time alone after work to recuperate - hence the slump in front of the T.V. or behind the newspaper.
All people, no matter what their age or different types of personality, need to get plenty of A's in their life - Acceptance, Approval, Affection, Attention, Achievement, Appreciation.
One of the keys to success in any relationship is consultation, whether it is in business, friendship, marriage or child-rearing. When people are not consulted they feel under-valued, and that they do not matter. They complain and protest to those around them but realise in despair that they are powerless to change anything. They are not taken seriously because they are not considered important enough. Their way of life no longer seems worth the struggle and they withdraw from the people closest to them. A long line of disasters including divorce, alcoholism, eating disorders, drug addiction and suicide can follow. When we view each person not just as a physical body, but also consider their personality, or spirit, we shall always be more aware of how we treat that person.
It's not just at Christmas that the phrase applies, "It's the spirit that counts."
Many people are weighed down by treatment they received in the past at the hands of others, particularly in their childhood and youth. When these emotional hurts are taken into marriage they cause that partnership to be out of balance right from the start. Ideally, these issues need to be sorted out with a good counsellor before marriage, but we do not live in an ideal world, and this does not usually happen. Rejection feeds insecurity and inferiority, and to make ourselves feel better we often say or do things to under-cut the value of others. We blame and resent them, then feel guilty about our own behaviour and blame ourselves. All this guilt and resentment builds a wall of anger around us that shuts us away from those we love.
Depression may stem from frozen rage - which is anger that has never been dealt with.
Anger often results from pain felt in the past. Perhaps you were too young to know how to handle it then. Now you are an adult, work out what hurt you in the first place, and decide what you want to do about it. Often we punish our nearest and dearest, when they had nothing to do with the original cause of the pain. Do not be imprisoned by the actions of others. Unlock the door and set yourself free. You have been given this life to learn and progress and achieve the potential that is in you. Search for ways to do this. Work at it.
There are many ways to success, but nothing works unless you do.
Sort out your emotional baggage just the same as you would clear out a dingy attic or garage. Bring things out into the light. Have a good look at them. They are part of the past and cannot hurt you any more. You do not need to hold on to them any more, unless you choose to. Learn to be more open with others. They have made mistakes in their past too, but you may not know about them. We often think people would be shocked if they learned about our past, and maybe they would be for a little while, but the nature of life is to keep moving on, and most people soon put things into perspective and get on with the rest of life. So do not feel you have to continue hiding some dark secret of your past. That can cause a festering of the emotions, a shrivelling of the spirit, and even produce physical illness.
Maybe, sub-consciously, we do not want to get well, lose weight, deal with a traumatic event, or look too deeply into our past because we feel we cannot face the changes this will entail. We may become dependent on counselling services or a support group, without meaning to, because we are scared to try and manage without them.
Sometimes we are sick because of our secrets.
Seek good counselling or talk to an older, wiser, trusted friend. It may help to write down on paper the hurts of the past, then burn them as a sign that they no longer have a hold over you. Set yourself free from the past, not only the long ago past but the hurts even as recent as yesterday, and let yourself progress unburdened into the future.
Marriage is a career, not a part-time hobby.
Marriage is not self-sustaining and will not continue to grow unless it has emotional energy put into it. A strong indication that a marriage is in difficulty is when one person withdraws from the other and becomes distant and uninvolved. Or when one wants to put some distance between them so uses blame, criticism and nagging to cause a rift, ignoring all the things the other person did right and latching on to the one thing they did wrong. Real honesty is needed to look at the situation and see the difficulties on both sides and how they can best be sorted out.
Before you get married everyone is so excitedly expecting you to live happily ever after, that no-one warns you to prepare for the bad times when you can't stand the sight of him and she drives you mad.
We would like to sail on calm waters all the time, but real life is not like that. A ship in a harbour is safe - but that's not what ships are built for.
Realise that difficult times are going to happen to you - because they happen to everyone - and be prepared ahead of time to hold on until that particular storm is over. Then you can both move forward in your marriage, all the stronger for having gained valuable experience about yourself and each other.
Most people want a successful marriage and are willing to work at it, but do not know what to do. It is very important that we view most of the ideas set forward here as being applicable to both men and women, of all types of personality, but there are a few subtle differences in viewpoint that it helps to understand.
Mainly for Men
It is important to learn to say, "I'm sorry." This seems more difficult for most men than for women. For much of their lives women everywhere endure negative comments, discrimination, and even violence. When a man apologises to a woman for his mistakes, it not only soothes the hurt of his own mistake, but helps to heal the pain of past injustices done to her by other men. It increases her trust in men and renews her own value of herself.
Disagreements are often mind over matter - one person doesn't mind, and the other one doesn't matter.
If a man does not apologise for his mistake the woman sees it as not taking responsibility for what he has done wrong, and whatever he says after that will be taken as empty words. She will have lost some of her trust in him. Trust is particularly important to a woman. How can she feel safe that he will take care of her if she cannot even trust his words? "I'm sorry" must be said straight away.
A late apology is better than nothing, but will have lost its impact, rather like saying "Happy Christmas" in January.
Most people remember when Christmas is, but it is important to a woman that four other special days are remembered too - her Birthday, Wedding Anniversary, Valentine's Day and Mother's Day. If you had a job interview or inter-city trip to make, you would remember the date, and you must find your own way to remember those four special days. You might have help with reminders from someone else, but it is still your responsibility to remember.
Flowers are always lovely, and appreciated by most women, but also look for other novel ways to make those days special. Maybe get up early and tie a bunch of balloons to the fridge door, or put a huge Happy Birthday notice across the living room wall or door, or put wrapped chocolates or paper hearts into a balloon before you blow it up and hang it in an easily seen place. Make sure the surprise really will be seen in the morning and she does not have to wait all day wondering if you have remembered.
If you have something planned for the evening, let her know beforehand so she can look forward to it. Discuss baby-sitting if it is needed. If you are really well organised you can put a note in the mailbox every day for three days or so before the special event to tell her to "prepare for it," "get ready," "it's tomorrow." This is particularly important when you have children. A woman needs something to look forward to, to get her through the often not-very-interesting days of putting right other people's messes. Changing dirty nappies and cleaning up after someone has been sick are hardly classified as inspiring, even though they are absolutely necessary!
Good manners are important to a woman, not just the opening of a door at a restaurant - you might go there only rarely - but the ordinary, everyday "please" and "thank you" at home.
A good marriage is not about finding the perfect person to marry and then life is bound to be perfect. It is about marrying a good person and treating that one in such a special way that they become a special person, giving that one so much love that they become the love of your life.
In ancient history, when a man wanted peace and quiet, he would retire to his cave. A century ago a man would go into his study, or den, when he wanted to be on his own for a while. In the average home today there is not enough room to have your own den, so you must make your own space for yourself by going out for a walk, or in the garage, or to sports, fishing, or even while sitting in an armchair watching T.V. or reading. When a man retreats into his own space like this a woman often feels she is being given "the silent treatment." Tell her this is not so, but you just need some quiet time on your own for a while to recharge your batteries.
Many women do not recharge their batteries on their own, but with other women, especially out shopping where the sights and sounds and colours add energy to the soul. There are speech centres in both hemispheres of the female brain, not just one as in the male. This is why most men cannot speak after suffering a Stroke, but women can usually relearn speech. Women have a greater verbal ability than men, vital in the upbringing of children, and important in many of their occupations. This does not necessarily mean that women are superior to men, or vice versa, just different.
The only person you have to be better than is the person you were yesterday.
Most women have a physical need to talk. If women do not have meaningful, adult conversation, they may become emotionally drained, as is often the case with mothers of young children, or women living alone.A woman does not necessarily need solitude to think. Often she thinks better out loud and needs a listening ear, not to guide her or solve her problems for her, but simply to listen. Make occasional comments like, "Really?" "Oh no!" "How awful," "Wow! That's great," but in appropriate places, of course. Do not watch T.V. or read the newspaper while you are listening to her, or she will feel you do not value her enough to give her your time. Do not tell her to hurry up and get to the point - she doesn't necessarily know what it is yet. Give her your undivided attention and let her know you are on her side. She will gain a strength from you in direct proportion to how much you have listened to her. This in turn will increase her energy.
Many women are tired, depressed, and irritable because they are giving out to others all the time, especially in the home, without having anyone to listen to them. A lot of people do not need tranquilisers or stimulants but someone important in their life to listen to them.
To be listened to and to be loved are so much alike that most people think they are the same thing.
It is not only men who shut themselves away into silence, women may do it too. It depends on different personalities. If one person is shut away on the inside, the other person has no idea what to do about the situation. They imagine the "worst case scenario" and may feel panic, guilt and loss of their own value. The shut-away person is oblivious to all this and may later despise the other one for reacting in a way they regard as clinging and helpless. This causes the gulf of misunderstanding to grow even wider. When we get a negative feeling from someone we tend to keep away from them, whereas a positive person draws us to them. This applies to ourselves as well, with us either drawing good experiences or people to us, or pushing them away, depending on our outlook at the time. We owe it to ourselves to recognise our own good points and build ourselves up, be independent and confident of our own ability. That is not conceit but putting value on our self. It is self-esteem.
Sometimes when people realise life at home is not going very well, they don't know what to do about it, so they spend more time at work, or in other outside activities Then they convince themselves that they cannot do anything about the home situation because they are busy at work and have no time left over. They tell themselves and their families they are doing all this for the sake of the family. Everyone on this planet has exactly the same amount of time as each other, every day. It all depends on our priorities.
Each person must look at their own life and see where their time is spent, and why. Men often feel unnecessary and left out at home, especially if the woman has immersed herself in child-rearing, so some men start to look elsewhere. Women often realise that men have withdrawn themselves from the home, but feel powerless to change the situation on their own. They feel of little value as a woman. They, in turn, withdraw from the man and a never-ending circle of emotional destruction spirals downwards, out of control.
No-one on their death-bed ever wished they had spent more time at work than with their family. Don't leave it till death to find this out.
Women are not the only ones to miss out when a man withdraws emotionally from the home. In a survey of children asking which they would prefer - to have more T.V. or more time with Dad - the overwhelming result was to be with Dad. Yet the same survey discovered that most children spend less than an hour a week one-to-one with their fathers. Have we become so engrossed in T.V. and computers that we have forgotten about banging nails in bits of wood, building huts, fishing in a little stream, planting a child's own garden and reading story books?
Youth violence and suicide have increased at exactly the same time as men have become separated from their families. Whether divorced or still at home, fathers need to come back into the lives of their children. Even when those children are grown-up the need is still there. Spending time with those we care about is love in action, and there is no substitute for love.
No-one can change the past, but it's never too late to improve the future.
A woman needs to hear the words, "I love you," not just in the bedroom, but in the kitchen and living room too. The difference in men's and women's viewpoints about physical intimacy may be very briefly summarised that men will give affection and love to gain sex, and women will give sex to gain affection and love. The word intimate is often not understood. It does not refer only to physical satisfaction but means to care deeply for the other person - to be very best friends.
Learning to love someone is a skill that comes with practice over time, not something like a Driving Test, that once you have passed it and got the certificate you can forget all about it. If a woman asks, "Do you love me?" and you tell her you do, then from her point of view it does not mean as much because she had to ask you.
A hug is the body's battery re-charger.
A hug, a kiss on the cheek, a touch on the shoulder as you walk past, are all ways to communicate your love for her. Do them often during the day. They are like Love Deposits you are putting in to her Love Account that she can build up and draw on at some future time. Remember, if you don't keep putting in the Deposits you can't expect to look for a Bonus later!
Romance is something you create. It does not just happen all by itself.
Some other ideas that most women think of as romantic are to have a bubble-bath run for her by candle-light, give her a foot-massage with scented hand lotion, prepare a candle-lit take-aways dinner after the children are in bed, or a birthday-type celebration, even when it is not her birthday. Be aware though that the romantic event will not be a joyful celebration if it has blown the budget while there are bills waiting to be paid.
Bubbles, balloons and candles are inexpensive and bring pleasure to people of all ages.
Romance does not have to be expensive, just imaginative and thought about. If a man rushes into a shop and buys a gift at the last minute with little thought, he may be disappointed that the woman is not as appreciative as he had hoped, even though it may well have cost a lot of money. It is not just "the thought that counts" but the effort and preparation the man has put into the event that will show the woman how much he values her. This in turn will increase her own value of herself.
We all want to make a difference in the world, so start making a difference in your world. Say those important words - Please, Thank you, I am sorry, I am listening, I love you, Happy Birthday, Anniversary, Valentine's Day, Mother's Day.
Womanly Wisdom
Much of what has already been written applies just as much for the woman to do for the man. Men also live in the workday world of criticism and negative comments, so it is important that they be "built up" at home. Research shows that it takes about twenty positive comments to undo the harm of one negative comment, so we can see how important it is to speak positively. Make your home a haven - only one letter different from heaven. Make it safe from criticism or negative comment. We shall not always do everything right, no matter how hard we try, but the important thing is to keep trying and never give up.
As the advertisement says, "It's the putting right that counts."
When a man comes home from work, what he really wants is tranquillity and to know he matters. That is not easy to produce when there are children in the home, but what he wants is not hours of your time, but a few moments to acknowledge who he is and that he is there. Leave till later on the vital information that the cat was sick on the carpet, or the washing machine broke down and there is not enough money to mend it.
Women who have spent hours alone in the company of young children may well be desperate for adult conversation by the end of the day, but no man can fill this need entirely. Women must actively seek the companionship and conversation of other women during the day.
You do not have to be related by birth to have extra mothers and daughters and sisters.
Young women will often find a rich source of inspiration about life from listening to older women as they discuss how they coped with the challenges and disappointments that make up what is lightly termed "the rich tapestry of life." Experiences that help the next generation to appreciate what they have. Older women can in turn be strengthened by the energy and enthusiasm of the younger ones.
Men find it physically tiring to talk as their brain impulses have to jump from one side of their brain to the other, from the thinking part to the feeling part, from decisions to emotions, and back again many times during a conversation, whereas women can do that automatically. Men appreciate it when women come straight out and say what is bothering them, or what they would like to have happen, but women have usually been conditioned as little girls to be "nice" and feel guilty if they ask for help or if they offend someone.
We are told that man was created first and woman was created after that as a companion. Left by himself he may well have died of boredom! History indicates that the second time we do something we usually add a few improvements learned from the first time. A woman can feel grateful for her generally more refined nature and realise that it is a privilege given to her to teach the man how she wants him to love her.
When you value yourself, and know your own worth, you can do what you believe to be right, no matter what others may say or think.
Sometimes a woman feels inferior when she compares her body with models in magazines that the man may enjoy looking at. She must realise that when her man is with her, she is the one he wants. Remember the ancient myth about the weather. The wind challenged the sun to see who was the stronger in getting a man's coat off him. The wind used all its force but only succeeded in making the man pull his coat around him even more tightly, whereas the sun shone gently, warming the man until he took off his coat himself.
Just as it is important for a woman to hear "I am sorry" and "I love you," so a man needs to hear the words, "Thank you" and "I am proud of you." Look for times where you can say "Thank you." Notice things that are done for you and acknowledge them.
When a woman expresses appreciation to the man for what he has done, he translates it as recognition of his worth as a person. Women often feel that they do so much in the house that is taken for granted, so why should they go out of their way to notice or comment when a man does something to be thanked for. However, even in today's changing times when men do more work in the home than they used to, they still do not consider housework as their number one priority, therefore when a man does help with something it needs to be acknowledged out loud with the words, "Thank you."
Remember, a husband is the only labour-saving device you can cuddle.
Do not hold back saying "Thank you" because he has disappointed or hurt you, and you do not think he deserves it. The world does not hold back good things from us because we make mistakes. The sun still rises every day. There is still rain to grow our food. When you give love out it grows and multiplies and envelopes you. Do not postpone your life, or put it on hold, until things get better. Start enjoying your life now.
To forgive others for the way they have hurt us often seems more difficult for most women than men. Women seem to have a better memory for remembering what happened in the past, not because they try to, it's just there. People may have done things to you that were wrong, dishonest, irresponsible, stupid and hurtful, but they cannot take away your peace of mind and self-respect unless you allow them to. Forgive them and let it go, and move on with your life. It is not worth someone of your calibre hanging on to.
Even if people never know you have forgiven them, you will have found a freedom that was not there before, and it will change your attitude to life.
People often feel "let down" by life and that it has not come up to their expectations. They may think that if they had married someone else, or had a different job, or a better house, life would be better. This may carry over from childhood with romantic dreams of marriage and living happily ever after. Real life is not a story book. We only have to watch the T.V. News and see war-torn countries with famine and starvation, to see how much we truly have to be thankful for. Learn to notice good things that happen each day, nothing earth-shattering, just a bird singing on a branch, the taste of fruit, seeing a rainbow or someone's smile. Buy yourself a little notebook and jot down three things each day that you were grateful for, maybe including one thing your spouse did and one thing your children did, and show it to them.
Psychologists have discovered that children develop their memories better by re-living the day's events, good or sad, before bedtime, and talking about them in a positive way.
Enjoy being with your children. Realise they are gifts that are not really given, but only lent for a short time. Babies grow up so fast, it seems hardly any time before they are walking, then off to pre-school, and once they are at school every day the years start tumbling past so quickly they are gone before you know it. Hold on to those special times, those picnics and bonfires at the beach or river, those library trips and stories round the fire, those sports events and shouting yourself hoarse with encouragement, making biscuits and gifts for other people, telling stories of your own childhood and weaving the generations together.
No other success can compensate for failure in the home.
No career can give the immense, deep fulfillment of parenting, even with all the mistakes we inevitably make due to inexperience. Raising children is a skill to be learned from others. Older people have learned it well - that's why children have grandparents! As children grow older the career will still be there - but they won't.
When deciding whether to put babies and children in day-care and return to outside work, women must be very clear in deciding what is necessity and what is not, what they will gain and what is lost for ever. When you think about who that baby may grow up to be and achieve in life, you realise it is the most amazing experience for yourself to teach another human being, and at the same time to learn yourself. If careers fade while children are young, they are compensated for by the experiences gained, and women often find they later prefer employment in a slightly different direction.
When seen in its true light, raising your own child is too good an opportunity to miss.
It seems to be a basic part of a woman's nature to want to improve things - and people! This causes strife if the man is perfectly happy with himself as he is, and does not want to be changed. Also he will see it as a lack of respect for himself as a person. A positive form of encouragement that works in any relationship, whether it be with spouse, child or workmate, is to notice something good the person has done and give immediate praise and recognition for it. At first it may sound artificial to your own ears, but is usually music to theirs. "Well done," "That was great," "You did well," or "I'm proud of you," are all words that will stay in that person's mind long after the actual event has happened. Maybe the recognition could even be taken a little further, after all, gold star stickers are not necessarily just for children, and who wouldn't repeat a good action when a bunch of balloons is tied to the chair or bed of that person. A man especially needs to hear often the words, "I believe in you," or "I am proud of you," so that they will stay in his mind to strengthen him over the rough patches in his life, when he needs encouragement to keep on trying.
It's not our job to change other people, it's our job to love them while they change themselves.
Most of life is rather like the weather, very ordinary with patches of sunshine and occasional showers. We remember the beautiful, sunny days best, leaving us with wonderful memories that live on through the years, but there are also storms that wreak havoc and at the time are so frightening and difficult to live through. Family and friends may gather round us to help, but in the end there is no way to go around these terrible times - only through them. Much as we would rather avoid these experiences, their purpose is to make ourselves stronger and give us understanding of others' troubles, so that together we can find solutions to our problems, and help the world progress. Anciently, a man was condemned to push forever against a huge rock. After many years he pleaded to be released because no matter how much he pushed it would not move. He was released and told to look at how strong his muscles had become. The real aim was not to move the rock but to become stronger himself. We are not being punished - we are being strengthened. If we see our challenges as being too difficult to cope with, and give up, we become like a cardboard box that has been left out in the rain - no longer firm and dependable, but soggy and useless.
Knowledge tells me it is raining. Experience tells me I shall get wet. Feelings tell me that being wet is uncomfortable. Wisdom tells me to get in out of the rain.
We must listen to the wisdom that is in each one of us. That still, small voice, so easily lost in the hustle and bustle of our everyday lives. We must take time to be quiet so we can listen to it, value it and act on it. We have been given all the raw materials we need in our lives to achieve our full potential as a successful human being, but the choices are left up to us. We must continually look for the good in ourselves and others each day. So here are eight words that will help build any relationship - Inspire, Learn, Observe, Value, Encourage, Yield, Overlook, Understand, or putting it another way -
- Inspire
- Learn
- Observe
- Value
- Encourage
- Yield
- Overlook
- Understand
For Discussion
This is a summary page to help with discussion of the book.
- People who feel of no value feel rejected, insecure, inferior.
- Unlock yourself from blame and resentment.
- Do not be imprisoned by past wrongs of others or yourself.
- Say "I'm sorry" straight away.
- Celebrate special days.
- Show good manners and respect for each other.
- Listen with undivided attention.
- Get off the treadmill of long hours at work.
- Spend more time with those you care about.
- Say "I love you" often.
- Put Love Deposits in each other's Love Account.
- Create romantic events often.
- Make your home a Haven.
- Acknowledge each other's homecoming.
- Notice help that has been given, and say "Thank you."
- Forgive others even if they never know you have done so.
- Develop an attitude of gratitude.
- Enjoy your children before they are grown and gone.
- Consider what may be lost before re-entering the workforce.
- Say "I'm proud of you" and look for ways to build people up.
Once a month read this list together and discuss how to be more effective in what you are trying to achieve together, choosing one thing to improve. Both write your own thoughts in the book and underline or highlight parts that are special to you, making it your very own book. Love is not so much gazing into each other's eyes, but looking together in the same direction. Once a year have an Anniversary Reading of this book, and make it a special romantic event of discussion and reflection.
On the following page are His and Hers reminders to be cut out and put on the fridge or elsewhere, if you wish.
His
- Say "I'm sorry" straight away.
- Celebrate special days.
- Show good manners.
- Listen with undivided attention.
- Spend more time with those you love.
- Say "I love you."
- Make Love Deposits throughout the day.
Hers
- Make your home a Haven.
- Welcome him home.
- Notice his help and say "Thank you."
- Forgive the past.
- Develop an attitude of gratitude.
- Enjoy being with your children.
- Say "I'm proud of you" and show it.
This book is dedicated to my husband David, who has journeyed with me through over 30 years of marriage, to our sons Owen, Craig, Scott and Fraser, and our extended family and friends, who have helped form the network of experience that brought this book into being. Having been a nurse for 35 years I have listened to thousands of people and wanted to use some of that knowledge to help others. I particularly wanted to keep this book very short because people do not have the time or energy to read long books. I am grateful for the inspiration I was given to write it.
-- Copyright Olive Redmond - December, 1998
