wade in the water

as much as i enjoy drinking, i really dont want to anymore.

last night we had a fire in a cave on the beach for jesse's birthday and he put some whiskey in my bottle of coke. it was my 7th night of rehab and i now regret drinking, but it taught me a lesson. when i drink, i get down and lonely and i crave attention from men, from anyone who'll give it.

funny, when i get it, i dont trust it. thanks dad!

i cant think straight about men i like either. i like dave. but i feel this desperation pushing me to like him faster, more cos im lonely. i sit at a fire of 25 people and everyone but me is talking to someone. i want to hav someone that cares immensely for me. im tired of being overlooked.

as mae west says: its better to be looked over than overlooked. i might get something of her tattooed on me. that would be great, she is my idol.

so far i have three more tattoo ideas:

on the back of my neck: FREEDOM'S FATE LIES IN LOVE

on my wrist outside: LET IT FLOW and a magnet on the other one

and a picture of mae west, or a quote by her. oh and of course the betty pirate on my thigh.

i feel down today. im going for a surf in a bit, so hopefully that will make me feel better. but i feel quite today. the past two days i hav been full of beans, excitable even. ive been using lorna's 8'1 board and catching and standing on loads of waves which gives me such a stoke and ive been researching a lot on australia and getting amped about that too. but today. i feel quite.

i got an "ode to lisa" poem text from dave this morning which woke me from my fitfull dreams. that was sweet. i know he likes me too. just let it flow. dont push it cos i dont want it like that. i told my girls, i just want to fall into love. be great friends with someone and then it turns romantic. hold off on the romance as long as possible. im going to australia in december.

im going. and i cant wait. i cant wait to surf in a bikini. its warm enough here to surf in boardies and a rashie. its important to go surfing everyday. i get better each time. yesterday it was pretty flat so we had lots of space cos there was hardly anyone out and all the waves were ours, and we got to float about waiting for another set. im growing to love surfing the more i do it. i wish i had money to buy my own board.

ive got a trial shift at cullens tonight. dreading going back to real work. ill be waitressing. minimum wage, 40hrs a week. i can make that wage in 40mins stripping. i really want to get a couple nights work dancing to subsidize the real job.

last night a lot of people were saying i should get into photography cos i take great photos. i really want to do something i am passionate about. music, dance and photography/imagery. i will run my own multi media company. dancing, djing, writing and doing photography. i really want to learn dreamweaver and flash.

austravel

i cant stop thinking about going to australia. i want to live in australia like its my home. i want to rent a place, hava bar job and dance part time to save for trips to bali, fiji, NZ and america. I want to take dance classes and run the website, surf and get more tattoos.

i feel like my life cant start yet until i am there. i feel trapped here in newquay also. im sure as soon as i start working and getting some money in and move to a cheaper place, i will feel a bit better. i really want to save for oz, and get the website running again so i can save that money also. maybe ill call alan and ask if i can do a couple nights work at divas for some extra cash. im desperate for money right now.

im tired of making stupid decisions. i need to get on with my life. travel, dance, dj, get tattooed.

right, wetsuit is on, im off for a surf, maybe ill stand up today! :D

danger danger, high voltage!

i just watched the first episode of LA Ink with Kat Von D and I really love her style and that of her friend Pixie. I really want to go to LA to be inspired! I like that metal/rockabilly style.

I have taken to wearing a denim mini with a studded belt for ages now, with vests. I just need to get a sick pair of von zipper shades. I already hav a sick pair of DC's, but its not cold enough for shoes so i wear my havaianas flip flops. i need to get more vests and some accessories and a sweet bag.

i also need to change my hair. i want to have blonde roots with dark ends, i like that idea, i wonder if it can be done.

i wish i had money to travel so i can be inspired and get good tattoos and learn more about myself and life. im really over england...

good girls keep diaries, bad girls dont hav the time

wow, its been absolute ages since i updated - so much has happened that i cant even remember the details even tho they were probably highly entertaining.

currently i am jobless, moneyless, manless, but still fabulous and have put myself on a self inflicted rehab - 40 days and nights without booze or men to get my head straight. so far, i am on night 3.

i notice sailors are looking for both bar staff and dancers so tomorrow im going to hav a chat with them cos that would be fab. then im going to call the other strip club here and do a couple nights a week there also.

i called the bank today and they wouldnt increase my overdraft by £100 cos i had to show someone in a branch my visa to live here but my passport is at the home office and i should be receiving my british naturalisation in a couple of weeks! woohoo! then next mission is to save up £2000 for a working holiday visa as well as the price of a plane ticket, but i am sure once i get the website back up and running i will be able to get someone to buy that for me. i spent a few hours in the library today working on a new site. i need to set up a proper members area so i can get money from that and do niteflirt listings and so on.

jamie turned out to be a dud, which disappointed me quite a bit but now i see the funny side of it cos i am totally fabulous and he couldnt handle that.

ive been reading phillip pullmans - his dark materials. i just hav the last book to go, what a great story! we've also had a couple more bonfires on the beach, but i havent been surfing much. lots of cool people have come and gone thru the hostel and i hav been living here 2.5 months now...

i reckon i am going to move into a shared room at £50 a week so i can get saving up for oz. i am adamant that i will be leaving on a jet plane in december for australia. its all i can think about. i am not interested in anything else other than getting money for oz.

other than that, life is great here. lots of wicked friends who always come up with something for us all to do together, be it surfing, playing cricket, making bonfires, or sipping lattes in cafe irie.

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