its a wonderful life

monday: stayed in and slept

tuesday: went to work but left early and went to walkabout to watch some open mike people and drink double jack and cokes for £2.80. kissed one of my girlfriends belicious. met a young, gorgeous singer.

wednesday: cried myself to sleep from stress about moving my mom down here and her telling me she was going to put my cat in an adoption home. woke up and went to the black seeds with the girls, support band were wicked and so were the black seeds. got chatting to two guy outside having a smoke. spoke to one of the lead singers of the support band who were staying at my hostel and told him we were going to on the rocks afterwards. i think he thought i was being a groupie. by the time he got to on the rocks, id hooked up with punk jamie. mowhawk and studded leather jacket to boot! good kisser. then i got back to the hostel to find the led singer and proceeded to draw "GROUPIE" across his forhead in black permanent marker! i also drew "I LOVE NZ" and "LISA WAS HERE" on an ozzie guy in my room.

thursday: went to work. it was a very slow start, i only did one and a half dances but gave a great stage show. nearly left early, but after a long chat with the house mum, i got dressed again and went back down and made an extra £100. fell into bed at 5am.

friday: sat on the couch all day, for like 10 hours reading magazines, being on the internet, talking to people and watching transformers. slept like a log.

saturday: pretty much sat on the couch all day again except for doing my laundry with steve. went to belushis with some boys from the hostel and saw jamie at the pool table. his face lit up wen he saw me and he immediately said he was sorry he hadnt texted me and if he had credit he would be texting me everyday. he was quite drunk. we had such a laugh together and finally had our first kiss. it needs improvement! then he and i trundled off to red square where i promptly lost him. so i danced with my friends with a few guys standing and watching me. and then jesse and i were kissing but my head was swimming and i wanted to get home and get my phone to call jamie and find out where he went but he wasnt answering his phone.

today: got up feeling pretty ill and hung over but got roped into going for a surf with just about everyone of my friends from the hostel which was so much fun! i cant wait till i can stand up! problem is i am using simon's 7'2 which is a bit too small for me. im sure if i had a bigger board i would be standing up by now. i can catch waves, but i cant get up on that board. its such a great feeling catching a wave! then hattie, amelia and i went to cafe irie for a post surf munch and just laughed and laughed for three hours and vicki joined us. we all talked about our first impressions of eachother and boys and sex - the usual girl talk! tonight i am working and i hope it is busy with few girls cos i need to make £300 to pay my rent and phone bill and i want to buy a surf board!

mom is down on teusday night with my cat to help me look for a place for us to live. there is a sweet flat coming free in a new apartment block right on headland point overlooking fistral beach, but only in september, so we are going to stay in hattie and vicki's van during the boardmasters week.

life is great. everytime i go out, i kiss someone and i have a great group of friends. i am truly loving life right now and i cant wait till i can stand up on a board!!!

kiss the boys and make em cry

Everytime I go out, I end up kissing someone. jamie and I had our first kiss last night, finally! haha!

i went to belushis with simon and some of the boys from the hostel and saw jamie and his face lit up like christmas lights wen he saw me. the first thing he said was sorry he hasnt been texting me but he hasnt had credit and if he did he would text me everyday. i laughed at him. he was all over me all night and i couldnt help letting him in. we hav such a laugh together. we won a game of pool and hung out and then we ended up kissing. i need to teach him how to kiss me.

we trundled off to red square but i lost him wen i went to say hi to katey. i came downstairs and jesse was there and he blatantly fancies me. we went outside for a smoke and then he kissed me too. good kisser but by this time my head was swimming so much from the drink that i couldnt really enjoy it. he walked me back to the hostel and we kissed some more and he wanted me to go home with him but i said no. my mind was too much on jamie. i didnt hav my phone on me so i couldnt call him wen i lost him to find out where he went. i sent him a few drunkan texts before i threw up and went to bed. dammit, i didnt want to get drunk!

i had a weird moment on the dance floor at red square, while i was dancing with all my buddies to mr jones, i noticed about three guys standing around us and looking at me intently like they wanted me and thought i was stunning. it was quite weird. i even covered my eyes but each time i looked around, these guys were looking at me.

i really dont consider myself a stunner at all! i can scrub up well, but especially not with my short red hair... i guess there really must be something about me.

it felt good to be desired by jamie last night, even in his drunkan state. i wonder where things will go from here... i hate how things always seem to get started and then he runs away. sometimes i hopewe dont ever get it started cos its fun the way it is. i think i spoke to him about it last night. he loves me and wants me but he is scared it will ruin the great relationship we hav at the moment. i dont think it will, in fact, i think we would hav an even better time. but he is way younger than me, 21 or 22, i cant remember.

there are so many good guys down here but they all get so wasted.

"you sit there in your heartache...

...waiting for some beautiful boy to
to save you from your old ways
you play forgiveness
watch it now
here he comes
he doesnt look a think like jesus
but he
talks like a gentleman
like you imagined
when you
where young"

i was walking home tonight from the walkabout and a group of pissed up lads were singing this and the lyrics are perfect for how i feel about me and my little trist with a seventeen year old lover (eleven years my junior).

a group of boys came to stay at the hostel, all quite young and very close. two of them had mowhawks and one was a snappy dresser, however the other, despite always wearing a long black leather coat caught my eye. he had the most beautiful, piercing blue eyes. the kind that captivate you and each time he blinks its like seeing them for the first time. small, round face and puffy little lips, perfect to land tender kisses on. taller than i and with a quiet calm about him. at first he seems to be a nazi/punk type of guy. like he's always looking for a fight, but on getting to know him, is a modest, chivalrous boy who has a long and prosperous road ahead of him. he wants to be an actor and an actor he will be. he made me think of orlando bloom, but a better version. with the most gorgeous voice, and an ability to sing, his nature was assured yet tender. unassuming yet witty all the same.

around me, he was eager and enamoured, and i too. being with him made me feel ten years younger. but the best part, was being treated the way i long to be treated, was being desired in the way i long to be desired. he thought i was beautiful and told me so numerous times. he wanted to be with me as much as possible but also let me be. he was affectionate and respectful and fun to be around. he told me he couldnt stop thinking about me and asked me what i had done to him. id done nothing but fallen for him. i cant remember the last time someone i was attracted to said they couldnt get me out of their head. it felt so good to hear those words.

before he left he woke me up with a soft smokey kiss in my lips. and i miss him now. i asked for a man who would desire me and respect me and let me be, an attractive man with a sense of humour, passion and intelligence and i got what i asked for. albeit very young, but all the same. it was good to have a reminder of how things can be. and i am more than willing to hold out for another john.

how lucky was i to have spent 4 hours hiding under a duvet with him on a couch outside the hostel talking and kissing. it was our time, our little moment, our world and it felt like love to me. oh but how could it be love eleven years apart and only knowing eachother a few hours? i think with all my experience, i know what love is, i know how it feels and not many people do, so how can you judge me? i remember, i think, making some kind of joke that i loved him and he said "funny you should say that" and i knew that he also felt it.

and now we miss eachother. these days, it is so rare to meet someone you can just spend time with and it feels like youre in your own world, us against them.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

in other boy news. dave is so over and i havent spoken to ade since he got his knickers in a twist wen i got together with my teenage lover.

wen will men realise that girls like me dont hang around waiting for them to get their act together? dont come crying to me cos im not there wen you want me darling, i hav better things to do than wait around for your undivided attention.

His Dark Materials : The Golden Compass

shit. fuck. wank.

cut a long story short. lisa gets drunk. lisa spots dave out. dave spends all night talking to hatty. lisa gets jealous despite knowing better. lisa follows dave to late night food outlet. lisa tries to find out if he likes her more than just a fuck. dave doesnt give a straight answer. lisa freaks out and cries about how everyone always just wants to fuck her and never sees past her sexual attractiveness. dave hugs her even tho he is so drunk he can hardly stand. dave is still trying to get her to go home with him despite lisa saying, and KNOWING, she should go home insted. especially since lisa's mom is down for the weekend. lisa ends up going home with dave after about an hour of dramatics. dave makes lisa tea. they go to bed. they end up fucking, short and he wasnt very hard, but it was still good. lisa wakes up an hour later, gets dressed and walks the 20mins home while the sun comes up. lisa spends all day mad at herself for being an idiot again. why am i at my worst wen it involves men i think i hav feelings for? lisa swears herself off men.

shit. fuck. wank. 3 days later, lisa bumps into dave as he is at the hostel on a visit. he gives her a big smile and says hi. she half smiles and says alright, walks straight past and ignores him. no more of the usual HEY HONEY, HOWS IT GOING! :D :D :D big hug.

shit. fuck. wank. lisa realises while looking at dave that she misses fucking him and that she is a total sucker for great sex even tho she doesnt like dave anymore, she still wants to fuck him.

lisa hates this town but has nowhere else to go. lisa feels like she doesnt belong in this life of hers and that the one she dreams about is her real life. this one is just an alternative reality.

lisa doesnt know what to do with her existence. it makes no sense to her and nor do any of the solutions.

lisa wants to be loved. but she doesnt know how.

"love me, dont judge me".

what dreams may come...

i was asleep and suddenly i woke up and thought "dave's here". i lay here listening to the sounds of the hostel and then i heard his voice. i knew i was psychic. so i got up and just saw him go into the private house and bumped into saffa jamie who still looks so attractive. i knocked on the private door to fetch my laptop and dave opened, i gave him a big smile and said heeey! and he gave me a hug and a kiss hello, then i fetched my laptop and was going to sit in the lounge, but its too much for me to see him right now, so i hav retreated to my dorm room. he and jamie are here to move his stuff out cos he has moved in with lee. i can here his voice and i just want to talk to him but there are too many people here. its so good to see him again. i missed his presence, his energy. i knew he would be here today, i just had a feeling. clairvoyant i am. i want to go be in his arms, see his ragged tooth smile. despite his total skin and bones and bad teeth i am seriously attracted to him

last night thea brought him up in conversation and she got me kicking myself for assuming he wanted nothing more than the sex we had. she said i should try and see if he does actually like me. i didnt know how much i liked him until i started talking about him last night.

i would love to hang out with him, get to know him, feel his fingers in mine again and be kissed by him again. how lucky i am that ive had the chance to be intimate with him! only time will tell. i should go out there, maybe he wants to see me as much as i want to see him. i should assume he does because that will make it so.

the night of the red heads!

marian and i werent back in newquay more than a few minutes before we found some red wine and proceeded to get on it.

the two of us went down to chy bar and this guy spotted me and couldnt take his eyes off me, he eventually came over and gave me a history lesson and then started telling me im the sexiest chick he's seen in a long time and proceeded to become besotted with me, telling me his perfect girl is a girl with blue grey eyes and brown hair and that i smelled so good and kept trying to kiss me and hold onto me. i gave marian the eye and we went off to the bathroom and i told her i was gonna go out the back door and to distract him so he doesnt see me walking past the glass walls and ill meet her outside divas. apparently he was sitting there watching the bathroom door like a puppy waiting for his owner to come back haha!

marian and i ended up going into divas and practicing pole tricks on the pole at the back of the club and by the end of it, we had a whole crowd of guys sat around us watching us and the girls working were having no luck at getting them to go for a dance hahahaha!

we then went to red square and played a very drunkan game of cheater pool while i checked out this geeky guy who asked us both for our numbers at the same time and then i turned my back for one minute, turn back around and marian was kissing him! hahahah! sneaky cow haha!

we got chinese and toddled up back to the hostel where we found this guy with big plugs in his earlobes and his shorts hanging low and i decided i was gonna frisk him for a pack of cigarettes but cos his shorts were so low, i neded up grabbing his package and then commenting on the size to marian who grabbed it to see fo herself and by the end of that he had a semi and we laughed at him haha!

we stood out the front laughing and joking for about an hour before falling into bed - great night haha!

unfortunately i ripped one of my contact lenses so ive had to wear my glasses all day which i hate, i feel like such a dork in them!

staying in tonight even tho i was supposed to go to work, wish i could go to chy bar but i dont want to go out wearing glasses!

about the boy...

so i never got around to telling the story about the night i was juggling balls.

the saturday before i left newquay i went out. i went to belushis and jamie was there. now jamie is only like 22 or something but we hav a great time together wen we see eachother out and there is a bit of a spark between us. he fancies me but he is a good respectful saffa boy and sometimes i tease him for a laugh. so we're having a laugh at belushis and then i spot that guy id had eye hockey with the night before. he so happens to be friends with a guy who is dating a girl i know so they all come over. then jamie wants to leave but i dont want him to and i havent been introduced to new guy yet. so i convince jamie to go to chy bar with me, but im not ready to leave, so when he is, i tell him to go ahead and i will meet him there and he does!

this gives me a chance to get to know the new guy who turns out to be called ade. then ade and his mates want to go to red square across from chy bar and they say i must go with them, but i know that jamie is waiting for me at chy bar, so i tell them, i will meet up with them, i just need to pop into chy bar.

so im at chy bar, having a laugh with jamie, i mustve been there for about an hour. ade had given me his hat to wear which jamie stole from me and it ended up on one of jamie's friends heads who had disappeared. so while jamie is on the koola dancefloor looking for his mate with my hat, i bump dave, the dreadlocked guy from the hostel who ive been fucking. he is so wasted and i stop him and tell him, hey, im leaving tomorrow and he says, have a great trip and for a minute i was like, oh, um, thanks (for not caring!) but then he just starts kissing me. fuck he kisses like a dream! luckily jamie didnt see us!

so as we are leaving chy bar on our way over to red square, jamie disappears, so i keep going, knowing that ade is waiting for me at red square and trues god as i walk in the door he is there and he says to me, i thought you werent coming. so we go to the bar and stand behind the pillar for a while chatting until it gets too loud and crowded so we move to a more open place and we are talking about tattoos wen jamie suddenly appears asking me if ive seen his mates we were with at chy bar, i say no and he disappears.

soon after i want to go home, so ade walks me home and i tell him to text me 15 reasons why i shouldnt go back to london and should stay in newquay (given we hav just met, thats a mean feat!) but as we are walking up to the hostel, i am texting jamie telling him im on my way home and about to walk past his house (im drunk and a bit horny, but happy) and he asks me if im walking home alone and i say no, but ill be alone in about five minutes. haha!

so i say goodbye to ade (no kissing!) and let myself into the hostel and call jamie and we hav a great conversation about what a great time we have together and how we enjoy each others company. he says i should go round to his and im a bit tempted, but then i think, no, im happy, i want to go to bed, so i say goodnight.

i think that was pretty much expert ball juggling! two guys on the go on the same night in the same place and neither of them knew about the other haha!

kiss the boys and make them cry!

but on a more serious note...

the last night me and dave were together, when we were walking up to the hostel from red square, i started telling him about myself (i was drunk again) and he held my hand and slowed down, so we had this lovely stroll, it felt so nice. and in hindsight, i noticed i went into this defense mechanism mode, like playfully pushing him away from my - psychologically - basically i was protecting myself from the perceived, assumed, moment when this will all become obviously what it is - just a random fuck. i never once stopped to think that he and i couldve been the beginning of something sweet and special. i am so used to using guys for sex and being used for sex and never being considered as anything more than that. and i only realised i was doing this wen we were on his bed and he was kissing me in his soft, delicious, tender way and it was so beautiful and i, the stupid fuck that i am, say to him "you do that so well it almost feels like you mean it" and he actually pulls back and he seemed a bit hurt by that and i remember him saying something along the lines of why do you do that? you keep doing that? and it got me thinking and i realised, im trying to protect myself from the lie being uncovered, the lie that this is all beautiful until youve had me and then it means nothing. i never considered that maybe he actually liked ME and wasnt just fucking me. and now, i feel stupid because his approach to me is guarded and now i feel stupid because i probably just messed up something that, altho fleeting, couldve been sweet and special.

but im not sweet and special anymore. this whole thing has made me realise how closed off i have made myself. how guarded and defensive i am! but thats a good thing! because now i can work on being less assumptive and judgmental and be more open to letting people feel something for me. the one thing i want - for people to feel something for me, something tender and loving, all this time i hav probably been warding off...

and yet, i sit here and try to imagine letting people in, letting go a bit, being less guarded and the thought is scary. i guess i hav really been hurt and let down even tho i cant really think of any examples from my history...

i would love to be less abrasive, more open and caring and loving and soft and feminine. i am very abrupt and brash and masculine. im fould mouthed, and cocky but its all an act. its all a frightened little beat up girl trying to act tough enough to scare anyone off from every hurting me again, but where is it getting me? its making me lonely.

and then i think maybe, tho, maybe the right person for me is someone who can see thru that and understand that all i need is to be loved unconditionally and wholly. i know, i would blossom into the beautiful person i really am inside if someone would just love me without judgment. i feel like i am looking for that one wise and intuitive man who can see right thru me and respect me and has the capacity to love me. someone who is stronger than me, but that doesnt try to control me, or change me like so many hav before.

i want a confidant. someone i can let go around, someone i can let my guard down around. someone i know wont judge me no matter how i behave. someone i can be a girl around. im either a boy in a girls body or im a sex object, its like i dont know how to just be a woman. a feminine woman. but then i never did have any roll models.

You Are 77% Perfectionist

You are a true perfectionist. You are both demanding of yourself and others. While it's great to have goals and standards, they don't need to be sky high!

Are You a Perfectionist?

the light at the end of the tunnel

so i have been back in london for the past week and a half and it has been good for me. at first, i hated being back and i was flatlining, not being able to move or think about anything, but over time i hav come to clear my head and am able to move forward now.

i realised how i managed to get myself into a panic attack at work. the customers opinion of me does not matter because they are judging me for what i do, not who i am. they dont know who i am. i need to use my feminist feelings in a way that will make me money. so anyway, i am feeling much better about work.

mom and i sat in this great restaurant yesterday the whole afternoon and talked about everything. i told her about excuse me your life is waiting and how its going to change our lives and we have decided to move to newquay and rent this two bedroom HOUSE for £675 A MONTH! our own house for £675!!! i couldnt believe my eyes! the best thing is mom is happy about the idea, which makes me happy. so im going back down with marian on sunday and ive spoken to alan and he says he thought i was a stable, grounded person until i ran away like that (goddess knows why he thought i was all that!) but that im more than welcome to go back to work there, so i start on monday. yay! cos i am down to £200 in my bank account!

i am also working on a new website in my head. ive been wanting to run it from the female supremacy / living goddess stance for a long time, and now i have been inspired and so i will.

i went out with shea on saturday and he is djing with serato now which is such a genius idea! all you hav to take out with you is your laptop, serato box and two blank records and vwala! instant dj! so i hav added serato to my wishlist and wen i get my website running again, i will have my devotees buy all the equipment i need

- serato
- turntables
- mixer
- headphones
- amp and speakers
- record bag

will cost nearly £2000 hahaha!

anyway, im bored of writing this, i gotta sort out all the stuff we own into stuff to get rid of!