the way i are

I got my first set of decks in dec 2000 and i stopped djing in may 2003. if i had kept at it, i would have been djing for six years by now. can you imagine how good i would be by now? i would hav djed all over the world by now. id hav a professional website and be in magazines.

look at amber d. she started shortly after i did and look at her now. household name, international dj and producer.

look at lady lea. leading the way for female djs in south africa.

and look at me. sleeping my life away.

the thing is, i cant figure out how to follow my dream, to be a hurley sponsored international, surfing, skating, web designing dj and travel.

i know the traveling will come with the djing. so, do i stay in london and pursue my dj career and travel as much as i can inbetween? or do i travel and see what happens?

i have GOT TO do SOMETHING. and my passion is music and dance.

what i need is a base to work from. a place of my own. a place i can have decks, and records, and where i can come back to from my travels.

mom and i need to be out of here by the end of july. mom wants to be out by next weekend. i want to go back to newquay cos im bored in london, but really, its the lesser of two evils.

if i get my own place, i can work at the website, which will get me the money for the equipment i need and i can get a pole and practice pole dancing and burlesque shows to put on and web design and get into the things i want to do and run my company Bresler Creative Ltd and have a life and a career and be my own boss.

at the end of the day, i have to go after what i want. and what i want is something to do. something that i own, something that i love to do.

i want to be my own boss. i want to perform and entertain. i want to be creative. i want to travel. i NEED a place to call home.

dancer | model | dj | designer | muse

big girls dont cry

i hv really lost respect for men in general. obviously i love my male friends, brent, shealan, mario, jamie, steve.

ive drawn such a blank as to what i want. but i do know what i want.

i want to live somewhere hot. somewhere i can actually have a life, friends, a relationship.

i saw a program on women surfers on extreme the other day. they were interviewing rochelle ballard outside her home in hawaii and i was like damn, thats the house ive been dreaming of since i was a little girl! two stories, set in the trees, right on the beach with the mountains behind. thats what ive always dreamed of. and we own horses, and i work from home.

so ive been sitting here in london, on my own, hardly leaving my moms tiny, crowded double room and i am BORED. i hav no real interest in refreshing my website and making money off that, and i think i am seriously sworn off stripping now, so what now? how am i supposed to earn all this money to go to australia and the states in december?

do what you love. er, they dont pay people to sleep.

i love to dance and i am inspired by music. dance and music really are my passions. marian suggested i get into burlesque. i would like that sort of thing, but not old style. new school burlesque. i love the 50s and the pinups and the modern pinup culture that is all the rage right now, but i like the gangster girl side of it. wife beaters and switchblades, tattoos, cherries and eight balls. i want to be around those kind of people.

we hav to be out of this place in 4 weeks and mom is talking about going to newquay with me next weekend. i hav no idea what she is going to do for work. or me for that matter. i dont really want to live with her anymore. she drives me crazy. she is such a stressful person. always making a huge drama out of everything, its really annoying. i dont know what we are going to do with my cat.

anyway, shes home, ill write more later

im too vain to self destruct

so i came back to london on sunday night. drove up with marian. im driving back down with her on the 8th or something. i still havent spoken to alan, explained why i just left, so i dont know if he will let me work there.

i miss newquay. i miss being around people, being outside, having a reason to get up everyday, people to talk to, new people to meet.

i went for a run in the park tonight but its not the same as going for a run on the beach. i miss the beach, being able to go for a run, having the opportunity to surf. going to belushis and knowing there will always be someone there that i know and is pleased to see me.

ive done nothing but sleep, surf the net and watch tv for two whole days. i am so bored and it feels like my brain has stopped working, i cant even think about anything.

ive booked a hair appointment for 1 tomorrow. everyone likes my new short red hair except me. but im wondering if i should let it grow instead and wear clip in extensions.

so my brain has drawn a blank, i cant think right now.

Don't touch me please, I cannot stand the way you tease

I had a panic attack at work on Friday night. I felt overwhelmed and scared and anxious and just wanted to run out of there but I kept trying to get my thoughts in the right place so I could stay and work but the more I tried to make things right, the more I lost control and I started to shake and fret and I couldnt breath and I started to get tearful, so I went to get changed and my manager came up after me and asked if I was ok, gave me a hug and I burst into tears and he said to go home.

It was even busier last night and I really tried to be in the right mood, to not disappoint Alan again, but I just couldnt deal with all these men. It was so busy, ram packed full of leering men and right now I have total distaste towards men in general so the thought of giving them what they want but dont deserve just disgusted me and then I get anxious because I need to make money but it means going against every fiber of my being. The feeling of being treated like a discardable sex object is not something I can deal with right now, or at least couldnt last night. Not when I was feeling so vulnerable.

So I ran. I got changed and left, without saying anything to anyone. I dont know what this means for my future, for my plans for Australia. I dont know if I can become truly evil with my website and start raking it in by humiliating, degrading and breaking loser men who pay me to do so.

ON a side nite, Ive figured out how to do America next year even tho I get a one year working holiday visa to Oz. I will do America during Oz's winter and then go back to Oz for the remainder of the year and summer.

I walked up to Belushis and loads of people I know where there. Wolfie took care of me and I just chilled out and enjoyed the live band who were fantastic. I spotted a guy, I liked the way he dressed and he had full sleeve tattoos. We eyed eachother up the whole night, but I didnt smile at him. I dont want anything to do with men for a long time. I just dont like the fuckers anymore. They dont fucking deserve anything. Men are fucking dogs, whos egos live in their cocks and they have a lot to fucking do to even try to become worthy of my attention or find some salvation. I just want to castrate every male I see right now.

Funnily, I had three pints of cider bought for me by three different guys at the same time and I had to give two pints away because the bar closed and I didnt fancy staying for the lock in despite having a deep and meaningful with Frankie. He said I absolutely ooze sex appeal. And that it lives in my eyes. I do actually, if I think about it. Its probably why bitches are always jealous and protective when Im around and funnily enough, I hav no interest in their loser boyfriends anyway.

So as I left to go back to the hostel, I bump into Lee and Dave who actually both gave me a kiss on the lips when they saw me in the pub earlier and Dave licked my tattoo ever so hornily too ha!

So we all walked over to Red Square and went upstairs where lo and behold MASTERVIBE is playing the nastiest, hardest drum and bass. So of course I proceed to absolutely lose it on the dancefloor. I was covered in sweat in about 3 minutes and eventually danced so hard I had to sit down. And next to Dave I did. Having had a chat about our previous sexual adventures earlier that week, earlier that night at Belushis, the conversation went back to it somehow, I was trying to get out of him, without being obvious, why he ignored me the other day when I wanted to fuck him again. Apparently I hadnt been clear enough! So all that stressing was for no reason! Anyway, he wanted it and I wanted it, so I said "Lets fuck" and we got up and left and took a stroll back to the hostel and it eventually came out how Im so cat like and very much like a stray, abused domestic cat. And he listened so nicely and slowed down to hear me and held my hand and it was so sweet. He was pretty drunk, and me just a bit tipsy.

And then we had another fantastic sex session, I came ten times, maybe more, I was sweating and it was intense and he kissed me so deeply and then we were out of breath and we lay down and he twisted his fingers in mine and kissed my shoulders and neck. He wanted to stay awake and enjoy my presence but he passed out and I was resonating too high to sleep, so I kissed him good night, put his duvet on him and went to my bed with a big smile on my face.

So I feel good again. It feels good to have sex with a good guy, who fucks you hard but treats you right.

As much as I am on the defense, I realise, my defense is directly proportional to how vulnerable I feel inside.

Hold me closer tiny dancer

He kisses like a dream and I say, "you do that so well it almost feels like you mean it" and he shakes his head like Im mad to think he doesnt mean it.

But I do. I mean, why would he? Me being the hyper sensitive person I am, the one who picks up on every little thing, who knows instantly what someone thinks of me and yet, well, I guess, I assumed he was just another guy taking what he could get.

And yet, it almost feels like he means it. And then he touches me and kisses my skin in appreciation. And I dont expect this. I dont expect to be appreciated and treated kindly when its just a fuck, but yet he does.

And I want so deeply to be cared for but have been burned so many times that I do not allow myself to savour the moment incase I give in and believe there is something more there, than just a moment.

Maybe I cause my own loneliness.

If looks could kill, Id watch you die

I stand alone Burned every bridge over the troubled water No longer hiding from my personality disorder A stronger tide is coming and I've been running trying to function fine with out my mind climbing out this fucking corner I was born a thorn away from the rotten petals A forgotten rebel Passed through the absence of parentally hands to develop an evident level of benevolence so it's probably better I sold my soul to the devil This is a message to anyone I met that thinks they know me Don't pretend to understand any of the issues that I'm holding I was in a rush to grow up, look Mom no cuts Just a stomach in disgust, and the fear that I might go nuts this year If I don't swell up I'll see you on my way One day this shit'll kill me but I guess that it's OK I've lost all fate in a world so full of hate I don't fucking love music I just use it to escape I'm caught between wanting to punch someone in the face and putting a bullet in my head to leave the human race Everything takes its toll but there's no tolls I can take I haven't yet found a good reason to be awake Introducing the corroded bumps I had behind my smile I'm angry at the universe for the way she treats me now And keeps me down, stealing all my energy I'm feeling like my enemy, concealing my identity Not dealing with my tendencies I peel the skin and then I squeeze The real imprinted Hanse's disease Not human in this century, I'm ill until the entity Who built this penitentiary, It's filthy as a centipede And guilt was in his sense cause he was willing to just let me breathe, While I wore a game face In 10 years don't check for me I'll be in the same place This planet is just an overpopulated mental hospital Each zombie walks around constitutes another obstacle So here it is I'm finally coming out my shell All 22 years of my life have been in conflict with myself I'm insecure by every facet of the existence From my addictions, to the conditions I choose to live in Who you kidding I suffer from excess anxiety A product of pollution in American society Stare into my eyes and see the hell that burns inside my mind and I no longer have an ego I can hide behind but I've been trying disregarding my insanity Every form of hurt isolates me from humanity But it's provoked against being force fed so Fuck education for a decade and 3 years of headaches from my peers Cause now I realize I could have learned more on my own They taught me how to know everything except my soul Which is everything I need to grow Everything that keeps me whole Everything that ever meant anything to billy So I leave with golden hope to rip the beast that holds my focus but the fact remains the same, I'm still bound by chains It doesn't matter if your chain is 10 ft or 100 ft The fact remains the same, you're still bound by chains So people say I've changed, and it's harder to relate to me Good, I never liked you our friendship was make believe I'm peeling the mask back and revealing the rap thespian Feeling my organs drilling distorted short portions of morbid acid keeps the torture unfortunately crafted interests to orbit my portrait and inflict my image with disorder The minutes get shorter, the walls start to close in Feels like the brain is hanging on but with clothes pins I've hidden in the darkness for too long I make it look all right but in the inside its so wrong I want life to change but I don't know if it can for a man or machine or whatever the fuck I am I stand alone burned every bridge over the trouble water No longer hiding from my personality disorder You want to die in my life then come and stay in madness' favorite little corner Cause even Shadows have Shadows and my secrets are eating me eagerly feeding I scream in my dreams Away but they keep on defeating me Even Shadows have Shadows Welcome to the dusty subconscious of an actor Who murdered his childhood to stop the audience's laughter Even Shadows have Shadows I'm about to break free from my fears When I don't like what I see and I can't feel what I hear Even Shadows have Shadows So don't judge a book by it's cover Cause my story is fucked up as any other!

Ghost Club

Last night we had Ghost Club at the hostel. Steve, the resident Private Investigator holds a weekly Ghost Club where everyone gathers in the foyer lounge around a candle and tells Ghost or UFO stories. It was so funny and such a great moment in life.

Then I made the stupid decision to go to On The Rocks. I cannot believe how fucking pathetic I was last night. I only went because Dave showed no interest in doing me again. Jesus fucking christ Lisa, you know better than to feel needed by a male. Ugh, I disgust myself. And it gets worse, much worse.

I pull the Brazillian but by the time we left the bar, half a bottle of red wine, two pints of cider, two shots of jager and two shots of vodka caught up with me, right in the middle of getting it on with the Brazillian at his place. I was so blind drunk, it took me ages to find my jeans and the cunt had opened the door and pretty much invited me to leave.

Second time in a month that I get drunk and the asshole Im with invites me to leave. I should just shoot myself. And no its not only my fault but Im hating myself for even getting into such situations because I am far, far better than that.

I ended up vomiting till my toes curled and Steve had to babysit me till I was sober enough to go to bed. Poor guy lay next to me on the floor and told me stories till I was sober.

I am so disgusted at myself.

Ive actually considered becoming straight edge

I dont want to kick myself anymore. I dont want to feel like I fucked myself over.

And I dont want anymore males in my life apart from friends.

Straight edge and gay.

You cant say Im not all or nothing...

When We're Gone

Im sharing a room with two musicians and they have all this music equipment in the room with this little box they can record songs into. One of their friends, Robin, was in the room while I was getting ready to go out and when I got back the next morning, he had written and recorded a song about me for me. What a special present! Id told him that I like depressing songs at the moment so its quite slow.

Lisa's Song (When We're Gone)

The song was written by Tragedy of The One Night Stand

I wanna do you...

I got what I wanted last night. Drank a bottle of wine and went up to Dave's tiny, tiny, attic room. We spent about an hour, maybe longer just fucking and it was great. Proper, good, passionate sex. Then he passed out so I got dressed and went to my own bed. I had to pass my roommates and a girl I know who were sitting in the hostel foyer. I wonder if they know where Id been and if anyone heard us. I remember saying to Dave that anyone who could hear us was probably super jealous. I gave a great blowjob also which was nice, since I thought Id lost my great skills at it since Ive become very selfish in bed and usually dont do it anymore.
Dave has the nastiest carpet burns on his knees from our first little run in. hahahaha! I cant help laughing everytime I see them.

Yesterday I also rounded up Bratislav and Steve to go for a run on the beach with me. We go at around 8:30/9pm when the sun is setting. Its so beautiful. We ran down to the beach and the whole length of the beach which is about a mile in total. Then we did some races up the hill, then the boys thought it would be a good idea to go swimming in our clothes! It wasnt really, the water is so damn cold!

I dont like my hair anymore...

Tarantula!

So last night was an interesting one. I drank my favourite Merlot while I dyed my hair plum red, got dressed and headed down to Belushis with a few peeps from the hostel.

There is this guy who worked here when I arrived but has just recently left, but he is always here anyway because this is such a social hostel, loads of people who dont live here, hang out here. His name is Dave and he has dreadlocks and really bad teeth but he is really good looking despite it. Lovely blue eyes and a kind smile. Funny guy too, tall and thin. Ive always kinda fancied him even tho his teeth bug me.

So yesterday Pam and I were talking to him in the kitchen about his sex life or something and I said "Id do you if I wasnt gay" and he said, "so we're never gonna have sex?" and sounded really disappointed and like hed considered it already. I laughed.

So we're out and he's drunk, Im tipsy, chatting to this lovely 18yr old girl about life. Then I go to the Koola and theyre playing the nastiest, dirtiest drum and bass which I completely lost myself in. I went bezerk on the dancefloor and felt like I was having the best sex of my life dancing to the most intense drum and bass!

I met these two english guys who were really good d&b dancers and ended up going back to their place, smoking a spliff and then going home. One of them walked me home and leant me his jacket to wear till we got to mine. Funny how I went round to three random guys' house and just knew nothing sinister would happen.

Anyway, I get back here, raging drunk, wake up my room mate Steve who sleeps in the top bunk at the foot of my top bunk. I pour us the last of my wine and proceed to talk endlessly about I am not sure what, all the while feeling super horny. Which reminds me, I bumped into Lucy on the way in and she said Dave was passed out in the lounge in the hostel foyer.

So I tell my roommate that Im going to ask Dave if he knows where we can get food at 5:30am in the morning. Instead, I wake him up and we start kissing. Hes a really good kisser, I was all over him like a rash, then things got heavy and we ended up fucking on the lounge floor and kissing passionately. I was so worried someone I know would walk in but it was thrilling! He wanted me to ride him on the couch, but I said I had to go and then someone did walk in, luckily Dave had covered himself and I had dressed myself by that time. I so wished we could have been in a proper room cos I wouldve fucked him like a demon!

I came back to my room and climbed onto Steve's bed and by this point I dont even remember why or what we were talking about just that I lay down next to him and asked him to tell me a story and then promptly passed out.

I woke up when he put his duvet on me and climbed over to my bunk with it so he took my duvet off my bed and then we passed out.

What a wicked night. Steve and I woke up and sat in bed listening to music for a few hours. He made me some coffee. He's such a great guy.

Ive just been down to Belushis to get Frankie to make me his barbecue mushroom pizza. I had to buy him a pizza base cos they dont do pizzas anymore and someone said the thought it was cool how I made my pizza happen - when Lisa wants something, she gets it. haha!

Then I told Frankie and Wolfie about going to those guys' house after Koola and how I only this morning realised what a dangerous situation that couldve been and Frankie goes "yeah, I wouldnt wanna get on the wrong side of you" hahahahaha!

So Wolfie and I are watching the TVs above the bar and there is some drag racing on and somehow we come up with the idea to do a Belushis Drag Race for charity with all the male staff dressed in drag to raise money for charity. And they chose an AIDS charity cos there is an ongoing staff joke about AIDS at Belushis. So Im going to organise it cos all the guys are up for it.

I kinda want to go into the hostel for some company but Im afraid everyone knows about me and Dave. Like what if its on camera or something or he's told someone.

Ive been thinking all day what I would say if anyone mentioned it to me. It was kind of a slutty thing to do, but I enjoyed it. Poor Dave got really bad carpet burns on his knees haha! Ive got a small one on my back. hahahaha!

I so wanna do him again, properly this time. It would be so good!

My next tattoo

I am going to have the lyrics to this song (Depeche Mode - Somebody) tattooed down the center of my back. Its one of the first tattoo ideas I ever had. I couldnt say it better than this song.

I want somebody to share
Share the rest of my life
Share my innermost thoughts
Know my intimate details
Someone wholl stand by my side
And give me support
And in return
Shell get my support
She will listen to me
When I want to speak
About the world we live in
And life in general
Though my views may be wrong
They may even be perverted
Shell hear me out
And wont easily be converted
To my way of thinking
In fact shell often disagree
But at the end of it all
She will understand me

I want somebody who cares
For me passionately
With every thought and
With every breath
Someone wholl help me see things
In a different light
All the things I detest
I will almost like
I dont want to be tied
To anyones strings
Im carefully trying to steer clear of
Those things
But when Im asleep
I want somebody
Who will put their arms around me
And kiss me tenderly
Though things like this
Make me sick
In a case like this
Ill get away with it

NINE O MY BULLETS IN HIS MUTHAFUCKIN CHEST!

I ain't gonn' be moved on this. Right or wrong, you gonn' mind me. Like Jesus Christ said, "Imma suffa' you. IMMA SUFFA' YOU!" Get yo ass back in my house!

her hour glass body

i felt very lonely yesterday. bumped into some people from the hostel on my way into town and we chatted outside lee's longboard shop until someone got a call about some waves somewhere and everyone jumped in the car to go. jay asked what i was up to and i said nothing and then they left. thanks for the invite mate. but its probably cos ive not been surfing with them or something, i dont know. anyway, felt pretty left out and lonely so i called my mom.

then james called to ask what i was up to and invited me to a saffa braai with his saffa mates. so i went shopping for supplies with them and that was cool, met his buddy dylan from jay bay. it was so good to hang out with just saffas - we all had a good bitch session about the English and this country and felt very patriotic. But then we also just beat the Aussies at the rugby!

Anyway, james was still trying it on as usual and i was giving him such a hard time. We all had a lekker chow and then drank at the pub across the road. I stayed over at james'. We didnt shag because I said I didnt want to but somewhere along the line I got annoyed with him and made to leave and he pretty much said fuck off so i got even more mad until he made up with me and made me stay. He has a small penis, glad I decided against not shagging. I kept my knickers on the whole time and got myself off. Besides, Im on my period and didnt hav a tampon so wanted to be careful not to make a mess on his sheets to save me from embarrassment.

Had a dream filled sleep that involved the whole scenario with james that day in my dream again but more intense which was quite confusing to me everytime i woke up, i thought i was still in the dream and it felt weird. anyway, i got up at 9:30 and made us coffee, when i was saying goodbye he said, dont be in such a rush to leave next time, i said what do you mean, he said last night, i said dont be in such a rush to encourage me to leave and then he goes, well you could either fuck off or stay and have this and showed me his hard on.

what a fucking idiot.

i just kept my mouth shut, said goodbye and left. on my way out he asked if id call him and i said maybe and he made some comment, i just closed the door without looking back at him. he doesnt deserve even my honesty. i mean while i was giving him a hug goodbye he asked me if i came last night, so i sort of huffedlaughed and said yes, i mean, duh! i made myself come, whats it to him? he didnt believe me and said i was lying. i said nothing. i shouldnt hav to explain myself to him.

what he doesnt realise its still always about his cock and his satisfaction. he thinks it isnt, that hes being there for me and whatever cos im fucked up and he can see it but his cock keeps getting in the way and thats why i didnt pay it any attention. i even said to him "your cock was created to please me so it only exists when i want to use it"

i even found myself lying on his back kissing his head and neck and saying "i wish you were a girl". and i honestly did. id rather be with a girl then have to deal with cock mentality - its so fucking tiresome. god i am so over the fucking cock.

i walked home thinking, the next time i fuck a guy it will be purely because i want to fuck a cock and nothing else. i may be turning gay but there is nothing like the feeling of real cock. unfortunately its attached to a male ego but there are ways around that to get what i want.

i am so fucking over being treated and seen like a sex object, like i was created for the pleasure of man. its so fucking untrue. MEN are created for a WOMANS PLEASURE. why do you think they are so concerned with making us come and they automatically respond when you ask them to do something that pleases you. if they dont, theyre not worth your time anyway.

in a way i want to become a raging fucking lesbian just to make the boys suffer even more because they all want me and then they really couldnt have me because id rather have a woman than a man.

its sad that i have become so jaded because of the lack of quality of man i have consistently been introduced to. is my vision blurred? maybe. but i am not so closed off that i have lost all belief that there is still a good guy out there who doesnt lead with his cock.

god 95% of the male population in the western world should be carstrated. there would be a hell of a lot more peace in this world.

jesus christ, i shouldve told james to go fuck himself when he said i couldve left or stayed for his cock. if your greatest achievement and pleasure lies between your legs then i feel sorry for you.

after i closed the door after i said maybe id call him, i said outloud to myself "maybe wen youre less of a cunt ill call you". i dont think he would have heard me but i dont want to be around him anymore. the only fucking reason i went back to him is cos i was lonely and that gets me in trouble everytime. i end up messing with the wrong guys cos im lonely. how fucking sad is that.

grow some fucking balls lisa.

he says to me i just need to be loved. i need to be made love to. i said, you cant make love with someone you dont love or who doesnt love you. ive been there. ive made love. ive been in love. more than once. i know how it feels. i know what love feels like and his love is all a front to his needy self-satisfaction.

i know i need to be loved. how many times hav i lain in bed with some guy and sadly thought to myself in my deep dark personal universe "i just want to be loved". the tinyest voice. such a tiny voice makes such a loud noise in my own head. but then i am an empty container, theres a lot of room for ricocheting "will you love mes?".

in fct i keep seeing this image in my head of this little girl in her nighty holding her teady bear in one arm and with her other hand holding onto the suit tails of a grown man of whom you cannot see and she is looking up with sad, imploring eyes saying, "please sir, will you love me?".

i may be 28 and a lap dancer but that little girl is who i really am. sitting along on the street corner sucking her thumb waiting for another sir to come by and maybe this time... maybe this time he will scoop me up and love me the way i deserve to be loved. love ME. not my sexuality.

maybe this time i wont have to be someone crutch.

im the one in need and yet im the cross bearer. everytime.

hatty was right, i just needed a hug that night.

unconditional love. love without lust. pure unadulterated love for another human being.

i am so unclean and yet so pure. innocence and wisdom my friend.

i am so very very special. like a magnet i draw to me all those who lack something and because i am lonely in my special place, i allow them in for that moment of mutual comfort, that fleeting moment where i gain some affection, only to have it painfully replaced with a cavity caused by the sucking out of my energy, my speciality because someone else used it like a bandaid and i gave it away - an unfair trade off because my wound is so large, no one has a bandage big enough. so i try to patch it up with bits of others but they rip it off each and every time and take a piece of me with them.

like a lost lion, i crawled into the desert, someone told me it wasnt far to the next watering whole, someone who had help, and i fell, and fallen i lie here and watch the buzzards pick away at my flesh just for their company.

why do i keep trying to hold on to sanity? it never did me any good anyway. i watch movies with great fucked up characters and wish i could be so beautifully fucked up too. but im not creative enough.

i guess im holding out for that salvation im hoping will come. a saviour to save me from myself. someone who has the capacity to love me so implicitly that i let go. oh god what amazing bliss it would be to be able to just let go. to become fearless and unguarded. to have such trust in someone that i become defenseless and am able to grow.

i feel like an abused pet that fears anyone's advances even if meant to help and which takes a long time to relax and let someone love me and let myself love back. but it would take someone with the willingness to patiently and persistently love me.

i believe that someone is out there. and each time i meet someone new i wonder if theyre the one.

kings of leon - trunk is the perfect soundtrack to this...

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Personal Jesus

so i went to look at that flat yesterday, didnt like it and it was too far out of town. saw a pic of a nice one today. dbl bed and wireless, £90 a week. owner said to call back next week as he is out of town. im gonna call him back and tell him i dont need to see it first, i want it and iwll pay deposit now.

got €500 from heikki today which is about £315 - nice! ive already made £1580 this month!!! last month i made over £3000. where it all went i hav no idea. on the little things because i sure as hell didnt make any big purchases! back to work tonight. i need to take home £250 a night to make £1000 per week if i work 4 nights. if i put £250 away a week, thats £1000 a month, which isnt enough, i need to put £2000 away so that come september i have £6000 saved up ready to go to aus and america. im thinking about going to aus for just three months and then on to america. sydney to cairns with visits to fiji and maybe even bali. then miami, costa rica, san diego to LA and over to hawaii - yeah biatch!

oh and THIS AMAZING TATTOO ARTIST has said she definately wants to do my bettie pirate on my leg! she said she may be over in london soon as her boyfriend works at evil from the needle in camden market. i am so stoked! i cant think of anyone better to do my bettie pirate.

im thinking of popping up to london for the fat freddys drop concert on the 28th - i gotta go see them really.

ok, must try and nap before work. reckon tomorrow im going to cut my hair into a bob, im so bored of my hair right now!

I HAVE FALLEN IN LOVE

OH THE FIERCENESS!


I want to get my hair like this too. Red hair and eyebrows. so fierce!

I super imposed my face onto her body to see what I would look like with her hair and I like what I see!

Ive taken to dancing to Marilyn Manson and Korn on stage now which gets the guys all revved up and its great! Ive told heikki to buy me some black mini dresses.

Watch out bitches, The Dark Goddess Cometh!

this takings gonna shape me

kings of leon - knocked up is haunting my emotions right now...

so i dont actually fancy james. went round his house tonight and i just dont fancy him. he keeps playing like he wants to get in my pants which is annoying. i hate that. like do me the fucking favour of actually taking an interest in who i am rather than what i might look like naked and how i may fuck.

jesus. men are fucking dogs.

in fact, when emma made a comment about wanting to find a boyfriend, i said, what do you want a boyfriend for? just get a dog! a dog and a vibrator = perfect boyfriend.

im also very much liking kings of leon - trunk and milk. i listen to these three tracks on repeat lately.

i was in such a good mood earlier. the sun was shining and i was feeling positive. i had a long chat on the phone to mom and encouraged her to move forward, sell everything and go to costa rica to clear her mind and soul and start fresh since she didnt get the saudi arabia job.

met katey outside somerfield to pick up my contact lenses my mom had posted and ended up having quite the gathering of friends around us in about 10 mins. thats the beauty of this town, everyone knows everyone and you always bump into someone when youre out and about. i love it, i love the feeling of belonging. but its funny, i feel very alone here also despite knowing so many people. i guess i just feel like i hav no real deep connections with anyone i know and i need that.

had another afternoon nap. fell asleep watching the secret. a lot of that stuff is overwhelming. it seems simple but it also seems like a lot of work.

i just want a flat to rent. ideally a one bedroom flat in town. somewhere i can call my own and not share with others. i sw one for £450pm. i need to sort my website out cos i just hav one guy, my dude in finland and i never know wen he is going to send me more money. i hope he sends more this week.

i have to go back to work tomorrow night. i need to be in a good, energetic mood in order to make money. i want more money and a flat to rent. then i want to hire a sponge board and practice surfing. then i want to buy a minimal and go out with the boys in the evenings and on weekends. it will give me something to do. i want a flat with space so i can do yoga everyday.

feeling very lost tonight. i had a good cry yesterday. not for very long, but i needed to let go. i saw andy and it really shook me up, then i was judged for being a stripper and that annoyed me.

sometimes i feel such a lack of self worth.

i just want an unconditional male friend. someone who can laugh with me, who is positive, affectionate and doesnt try to fuck me. i want a male emily.

i want out of this fucking country. i want to go travelling. i want to escape myself. i want to find another way of being.

We drank wine in the matinee

wow, so today has been bitter sweet. having found a book which explains why i am so different from everyone else and helped me realise the reason for the special traits in my personality i am overjoyed to be able to relax about why im different.

I am a Highly Sensitive Person. and today has been particularly testing.

HSPs are very sensitive to subtleties in their environment, need to spend time on their own everyday and often feel overwhelmed by the surroundings. We are a small percentage of the world and thats why it makes it hard when most people think we are over reacting. But with this character trait, we are also blessed with high intelligence and intuition. Because we notice 10 times more than most people, we "just know" about a lot of stuff, like how things got the way they are and how things need to change in the future. And this is SO ME. Its so great to know that Im not the only person. For so long Ive felt like Im crazy and couldnt understand why I am easily over stimulated.

Right now I am trying to find a room to rent. Its stressing me out. I dont like moving. I did so much of it as a child, I dont like to be disrupted. Lots of little things have rustled my nervous system today and if I had to explain them to others, they would think i was being over sensitive - something I was always told as a child.

One moment in particular really flustered me and I dont know why it did. I wish I knew why certain things set me off, it really would help to find calm again if I knew why it happened.

I just realised now why I broke up with Cass, his way with me was too overbearing to me. My being HSP is also probably why I am so bossy, its easier for me to stay calm if I tell people how to behave around me. Wow, so much is makin sense to me now! Im so glad I found this book!

Oh fuck, I am feeling so tearfull right now. I think I dont realise my own stress levels. The book explains how often we HSPs need to retreat somewhere to cry and let out the tension that builds up when we become overwhelmed. And I often thought I was psychic because I just knew so much and I can feel people's energies very easily and am affected by them. If someone I know is in a bad mood or stressed or something is up with them, it affects me and often puts me in a weird mood too.

Well the big thing today for me, and this is the thing, i dont even know why its a big thing, but it seems to hav really affected me, I was on my way up to the corner shop when i spotted andy across the street with some friends. he was wearing a wetsuit. just the site of him stopped me in my tracks. he didnt see me but i was so shocked by my reaction. i hav no idea why seeing him shook me up so. i was even standing in the shop almost stunned and couldnt stop thinking about seeing him and then i went into recovery mode and told myself, i need to go read a book or something, distract myself or my thoughts would never return to normal. and ive felt super stressed ever since i saw him.

i now also feel like i wish i was close to someone who cared about me. someone i could go and talk to and they would just hold me in their arms and love me and i would feel ok. and this whole having to put on a straight face around all the people in know at the hostel is stressing me also, even my heart rate has gone up.

why in the hell would i be so startled by seeing andy? yet another guy i am so in love with but cant be there for me. i saw him on sat night and blanked him as a walked past, then felt bad for it. but he made an effort to come and say hello, i think it hurt him that i blanked him and i was nice to him wen he said hello but i kept it short. he definately cares about me but he is too caught up in self destructing to hav anything meaningful in his life. i spoke to little neil about him, said its sad because i recognise that under all the showmanship there is a good solid guy and neil turned around and said, yeah, i know and i know you can see it too. wow, i didnt expect him to say that. but then theyve known eachother like 20yrs and neil is not stupid.

i really hope, during my time here, that i meet someone good. there are three guys that hav my interest at the moment. jamie (ratboy), 20yrs old, south african. we get on really well and i see him out most of the time. nothing has happened yet, but wen im drunk, i want to teach him the ways of pleasing women. then there is james, age uknown but he is divorced, south african, beautiful eyes and is going to shave his head which will make him super hot, likes me a lot and always dropping comments about it but doesnt make a move. then there is czech bre, tanned and toned surfer who has really grown on me but i hav no idea if he likes me or if he is single and interested - time will tell.

i am so bored here. i dont know what to do with myself during the day. i want my own room to retreat to. im going to look at a place tomorrow. i just want to be around someone that doesnt just tolerate my company but enjoys it and celebrates me, like emily. most people just tolerate me and they dont think i notice, but i do. i know which of my friends really enjoy my company and which of those are friends for courtesy purposes. i hate that, i feel disrespected. like you didnt even take the time to notice whats great about me and grow to love me for it, you just decided i was too high strung, talked too much, had too much to say about too many things, was always wondering and worrying about things and it was tiresome to you but im alright enough not to actively extricate me from your social circle or friends. maybe because im on of very few you actually know.

as soon as my hand heels and i hav a room to rent, i am going to be practicing surfing. i want to get fit and be a part of the surf circle. i want to be respected and to do that, i need to be doing something with my life.

im really craving for some company right now, but there is nothing anyone can do about my mood. i dont like it when people try and cheer me up, especially wen its an attempt to elevate themselves out of a tiresome or uncomfortable situation.

you know, i think emily is the only real friend i have. she is the only person who doesnt judge me and tolerates me with pleasure. she enjoys my company and lets me be exactly who i am, no matter how neurotic i may be. i cannot express my love for her. as someone who has always found it hard to find real friends, she means the world to me.

i mean of course brent will always be my one and only, but sometimes i feel like i hav lost touch with him. sometimes i just want to talk to him because he thinks in the same sphere as i do and sometimes in a sphere from which i need advice or knowledge, but he is often busy and i often feel intimidated by his organised life of work and social commitments. he is LIVING LIFE and i am makaing my feeble and often failing attempt to do the same but i am so lost i dont even recognise my own existence anymore.

wow, its been a long time since i felt so down. i hope it means my period is on the way. im worried andy came that night of passion and in some master twist of murphy's (sod's) sick law i will hav fallen pregnant because we had sex while listening to kings of leon's knocked up!

im not sure if i should stay in bed or go out and be around people, i have this incredible need to be around people who acknowledge my existence and like it but an equal fear of putting myself in a stressful situation.

its funny, im often overwhelmed by even my own wants and needs. if i look at my list of the things i want for myself and my life, it often scares me into withdrawal and i think that is a huge reason for why i hav not done anything with my life. the weight of responsibility that comes with getting what you want is often a scarey prospect and i often hav to be content with just wanting and not having. so, what is to become of me?

that, my friend, is often my question. a broken record lament that plays to the hollows of my wasted mind like a sonar in the depths of the ocean looking for sucken ships full of the treasures of lost courage, positivity and magnetism.

she'll bartend your party

Hello stalkers!

Well life is just fabulous! I am having a great time :)

Ive been down in Newquay for a week now and its been non stop fun, with an important lesson thrown in for good measure.

Thursday night I went out and saw a lot of old friends and made apologies to those I annoyed last summer. It seemed all eyes were on me like there was some sort of glow around me or something because i had admiring glances from just about every male in the joint. One of the guys who I knew and had a non thing with last summer took quite a shining to me and wouldnt leave me alone. He was very obviously into me and wanted to take me home with him. Im not that attracted to him but i thought, hey, why the hell not. Bad mistake. Oh my god, i swear the guy had been practicing on rubber dolls or something cos I was like dude, fuck, calm down, slow down, im not made of rubber! but he didnt listen so i had to stop it and go home. nice. walk home at 3am. lucky it was only a 5min walk.

the funny thing about it was that the whole time this guy was mauling me i couldnt get the image of dominating my old boss out of my head. how funny! hahaha! i told him about it the other night and said "youre my dream bitch" hahahaha!

then on friday night, went out again and saw andy. my "ex". well, we kinda were together for like 5 minutes. now this guy, well andy is famous for his crazy ways and getting really reckless. short, well built guy who has never been right since he came out of the army. i always thought he had a tiny penis. but man, i am so drawn to him, so attracted to him. there is something underneath all the craziness that is solid and i am so attracted to it. well, he was so excited to see me again and especially my new tattoo. he couldnt keep his eyes or hands off me. i couldnt help but give in. so i went home with him and we had the greatest sex to kings of leon - knocked up. ok, no it didnt last 7 mins (length of the song) but that song takes me back to the love making every time i play it. unfortunately, his best friend came home with a cut up hand and andy decided to get high with his buddies. i walked in on him telling his mate about fucking me so i got dressed and went home. i wasnt so pleased about that. i didnt think he was like that. anyway.

on saturday night, i went out again. this time i drank 6 pints of cider on an empty stomach and after having a wicked time at red square with all the boys dancing around me and buying me drinks (i work best on my own haha!) i somehow got it into my head that i needed to find andy. why, i hav no idea. i also found myself in his house knocking on his bedroom door. later i bumped into one of his buddies who said they asked to get rid of me. i think he was lying cos he is a cunt who hates me anyway. i said, thats fine, im going home anyway.

sunday i spent the whole day in bed licking my wounds. literally also since i tripped and fell up a gravel path in my drunkan state and grazed all the skin off my hands and knees. nice! but anyway, on sunday i was like, what in the hell were you doing looking for andy last night? i hav no idea what i was doing and i really should have just gone home cos they dont deserve me looking for them at 4am. but i learned a valuable lesson. no more going out and getting pissed and involved with destructive people. i am here to work and surf. i need to surround myself by good people, positive people who live for the surf and have good things to say and dont self destruct.

so i went to work on sunday night. i was not in the mood for being there and still feeling pretty sick from the night before but i managed to do 7 dances on a quite night and came home with £80.

monday i stayed in bed and watched movies on my laptop (running with scissors and elektra) despite everyone at the hostel asking me to go out with them as monday nights are locals nights. i said no thanks. i am sticking to my word. work and surf, no partying.

tuesday night i went to work. the club takes a big cut from your money but they only charge £100 for four nights plus 25% comission on whatever you make. the club was dead. just five guys came in. two were dressed in cow costumes, so funny and the one of them fell in love with me. he was cute, hes only twenty but i got so horny dancing for him! i also danced for this old scottish guy who smelled weird and was such a fucking pervert. ew! so i only went home with £45 and they closed at 12:30. they gave me a free night to work to make up for it. i wnt over to the walkabout and had a drink, chatted with some old friends and watched the bands before heading home.

last night i worked again, only 9 girls on and i was the most popular girl in the club. theyd gone round all the pubs and clubs and given discount entry stamps to people so it wouldnt be another dead night so the club was full of non paying people just there to look and see but i came home with £290! i stole away £80 tho and if i hadnt i wouldve come home with £210 insted. i was just selling consecutive dances and pocketing the extra cash but if i did three dances in a row i would declare one extra dance and pocket the third ones cash (we arent allowed to accept cash from the customers). the manager was very impressed with me because i did 18 dances last night. i was in and out of that dance room non stop! i didnt even get a chance to get a drink and catch my breath!

and you know what, its down to being happy, having a positive attitude, having fun with it and not taking it seriously, being confident and giving a great fucking dance. if i didnt do that, i would hate the job and i dont make money wen im hating being there! so the boss said to me i will easily make £1000 a week working there. STOKED!!! my goal is to save £5000 by september and i reckon i will too.

now i just need to find a place to rent. id like my own place and not to live in a shared house.

my boy in finland sent me €1000 yesterday which came to £628 so i deposited £880 into my account today. STOKED! I made close to a grand in one day yesterday! hahahaha!! so im feeling good.

im also currently reading "the science of getting rich" which is hard going because of the style of writing but it is very good. pretty much saying the same thing ive read in "it works", "the secret" "think and grow rich" and "the game of life and how to play it" which is that everything you think becomes reality so if you focus on something it will eventually become real. its made me be more aware of my thoughts and so im working on being more positive and thinking the right thoughts.

Dancing Diva

So I worked my first night at Divas last night. It was a Sunday night so not very busy but there were only like 10 girls working. The club takes a huge cut from your money. I did 7 dances at £20 each which is £140 but went home with £80. They say we have to pay £10 to the housemother but she isnt a real house mother and the money doesnt go to her. She told me they pay her £10 an hour. so on top of 25% commission and the house fee, it works out at a huge cut of your money. If you earn £1000 they take £300.

I was happy I made what I did. I can see Im going to make serious money in this club. The guys who come in are there to enjoy a strip club and buy dances. Theyre all on holiday and stag do's. Ive seen some very creative dancing too! Im glad we are allowed to touch the guys, it makes dancing much more fun. The seats are all leather couches and very low which sometimes makes it hard, but the girls climb on them and stand over the guys and all sorts!

I wish I had made more money because I have only £300 in my account so its not even worth putting this £80 in there. I need to find a place to rent also because I have only booked this hostel till wednesday. I think the local tattoo artist is renting a place and they only want a week in advance and a weeks rent deposit, so at £70 a week, thats just £140 deposit i need up front.

Heikki says he has sent me some cash to kateys address and that i will like it and I am sure I will. I have a feeling he has sent me €1000. which is about £650 which will do nicely!

Today I am going to do my washing and find a fantasy outfit to wear to work on Tuesday. Ive booked Tues, Wed, Fri and Sat cos the boss said if you do four nights, you only pay £100 house fee for all four nights which is awesome! That means I only have to pay commission.

I have half a mind to work a couple nights at Teazers, well Mirage as its now called apparently. Because apparently they only charge £50 house fee and you take home whatever you make!

Anyway, Its one o clock and I need to go get my wetsuit and do my washing.

you're looking well

well I have been here not even three days and ive already had sex on both nights ive been here!

the first guy was someone i met last summer, nice guy, great body, obviously, everyone is a surfer down here so theyre all super toned and fit. the shag was SO crap, but i did it cos ive had the horn something bad for like a week. its so unlike me. i feel like ive got the sickness! and the funniest thing, the whole time during this crap shag where the guy seemed to think i was made of rubber and was hell bent on getting his cock up my arse which i literally had to push him away from, i couldnt stop thinking about dominating my old boss! hahahaha! how funny. here's this guy battering me and im thinking about stripping my old boss and having him kneel before me, pleading me to go easy on him while i laugh sadistically at him. hahahahahahhaa!!

anyway, so i went out last night and saw andy. my "ex". damn he looked good. he couldnt keep his eyes off me and soon his hands either. i couldnt help giving into him, he is such a good kisser and im so fucking attracted to him even tho i know i shldnt go there cos itll all come crashing down. dont get involved with the mentally unstable, especially one you have a history with! anyway, he was all over me like a rash and so i went home with him, never expecting us to shag or anything, i thought we were gonna go back and smoke it up with our buddies like we used to but he obviously had something else in mind. anyway, it was so fucking good! it was so nice! like it felt like he really thought i was so beautiful, it was sexy and gentle and hot and rough and sweaty and sensual and just fucking great! and he played kings of leon which was the perfect soundtrack to our session. unfortunately little neil, his best mate, came home and needed tending to cos he had got into a fight. andy and i were in the fucking middle of it too! it was just getting really good when neil came home. bugger! anyway, cut a long story short. i walked in on andy talking about fucking me with cameron. i wasnt impressed and stupidly made the decision to go home because i felt he had disrespected me.

in hindsight. what the fuck do i care. it was just a fuck that i was happy to hav. insted of going home, i shldve said "im glad it was so good you had to talk about it!" now i look like an idiot. but what do i care. it was good. he played kings of leon - knocked up. the feeling of that song is so apt for how i feel about him. even tho he is so messed up, there is something in me that wants to marry him. which i find strange, id love to know why i feel like that with him.

ive been in such a weird place since i got here. bored. and ive not had any money this week. im down to £300 and i want to move into a room to rent!

steve wants me to rent his room in brighton which is sunny, a double and has decks and i like that idea. ok, no surfing or surfers but i can still dance and hav a cool place to stay and be close to london.

i need to get my wetsuit back from that psycho lawrence. hopefully he hasnt sold it on ebay. i need to learn how to surf. and i need to stop fucking people i know. stop coming out.

ive been really good, sticking to a two pint maximum but mostly because ive not been eating and so i feel pissed on my second pint!

its so weird, i think ive really changed because i seem to be VERY attractive to the male contingent down here. all the guys i know are looking at me in that way and all the guys ive not met watch me wen im down the pub.

so today im thinking, am i like really beautiful or am i intimidating? i dont think of myself as this head turning beauty but i get a weird vibe from people a lot of the time and it makes me think im a bit weird. funny how i always think its my fault wen things dont feel right...

i also realised i seem to hav some sort of social anxiety. i cant stop thinking about what people think of me and i just want to hid from everyone! and i realised why ive been spending so much time on my own, cos i just dont really know how to interact with other people. im watching how everyone is with eachother, how everyone just makes friends and then how the same thing doesnt seem to happen with me and everyone and i cant figure out why that is. i mean, i have friends, but with new people. i think im actually really shy!

i need to work on my self confidence. emily is always reminding me how i should be thinking of myself. that im fabulous.

god, i still hav so many issues lol!

im not sure how i feel about being down here. i think i definately need to immerse myself in something so that i stay out of the eastenders style soap opera this town can be. i need to get surfing and meet a cool guy who isnt involved in everyone's business.