ASK. BELIEVE. RECEIVE.

So after seeing my half sister and her having read The Secret and reminding me about the Law of Attraction, I am going to spend some time revising my notes from the DVD and devising the things I want to create in my life. One of the keys to the LOA is Gratitude, so, here is my list of things I am thankful for:

my mom
my friends
my cat
my health
my intelligence
the fact that i dont work and dont have to
my freedom
my ever growing creative ability
my ever growing positive attitude


things i will be thankful for in the future

my £1000 per week income
my british passport
my clean tax reference
my first class flights to australia, costa rica and america
my ability to surf and skate with confidence
being debt free (im close!)
having £10000 in savings

Ask, believe, receive.

Im thinking about getting a magnet tattoo on my wrist with ABR in the middle or something like that.

Cashola for Me!

Just had a look at My finances spreadsheet and I have already earned £2332 in cash from My website this month! Add the £884 I made from dancing a couple weeks ago and Ive earned over £3000 this month already. No wonder Ive paid off My credit card and half of my overdraft! :D I stil cant help thinking I should have more disposable cash if these are the figures but hey, Ive been taking care of my mom. I gave her £300 of that money and have been buying all the groceries and cat food this month. Ive also booked a flight to NQY and accomodation, bought a new pair of shoes to dance in and some more surf clothing from America.

This guy from Pakistan contacted Me today, says hes going to send Me £200 via Western Union tomorrow. Having only one guy spending on Me at the moment means I hope this new guy doesnt chicken out like so many of them do!

I have been working super hard on My new website design, it is looking fabulous! Still has a lot of work to go though as I have been designing it in Fireworks and will have to code it in Dreamweaver which will be a bit of a mission I think since I dont know anything about Dreamweaver. But then I dont know much about Fireworks either and I have managed to make a pretty rocking new site!

What I really need to do with My site is make videos with Me speaking in them, do recorded listings for Niteflirt. Ugh Niteflirt, what a fucking mission! Not only do they take a 20% cut and pay in dollars, they only send cheques which take ages to get here and then another 6 weeks to be deposited into My account! But then again, its another form of income. Once I get some videos up and do some recorded listings, I will start getting money in. And I need to sort out My galleries to set up the paid section.

Today the sun came back after a couple weeks of miserable weather so I was out in my denim mini. I still went on the sunbed, this time for 10 minutes and I am getting nicely brown.

I know I said I wanted to spend the summer in NQY making loads of money from the strip trade but Im having reservations so I will probably be back in London at the end of August. I want to get good at surfing, well confident at it. But the reason Im having reservations is because I have had so many guys want to meet Me to hand Me cash in hand and I tell them I wont meet for less than £1000 in cash. I have yet to earn £1000 in one go! And I see other girls making it left right and center, its so frustrating to me! But I think I really need to make some videos. Apparently my South African accent will be a winner and is synonymous with domination and superiority.

I have taken my chat IDs off my site because i am sick of dealing with asswipes but now I am hoping that I havent cut myself off from the money I want. Then again, I would rather only hear from people who actually intend to be my slave. I have had so many contact me and then never reply to my reply and im left thinking it was something i said, or didnt say.

I very nearly went up to Blood Brothers today to show them what I want and make an appointment. I need to do it ASAP so that it has time to heal before I get to NQY. I definitely want it before I go down there. Like today for instance, Im walking around in a denim mini which isnt too short, a yellow vest and flip flops and I cant help feeling like Im being looked at like Im underdressed. Now in My country, what I was wearing is NORMAL but it seems over here Im dressed slutty or something. Anyway, i thought to myself, if I had my tattoo on my arm, people wouldnt judge me that way, they would see that i very much know who i am and what i am about. People who get big tattoos have made a firm decision about that.

My surfer mate Matt told me about this wicked band called Racing For Pink and their song "15" is awesome! It would go so well on a surfing video. And that got me thinking... I went thru a stage where i wanted to make surfing videos and i still can. So thats another thing I am going to incorporate into my future along with more tattoos, djing, surfing and skating.

Yesterday I did a bit of a work out and then spent about 20mins on my longboard in the park. I picked it up pretty quickly and need to go more to get more confident pushing myself along. I REALLY need to do my eight minute abs everyday cos I want to walk around in my skirt and a bikini top and have a rock hard stomach to show off!

PS: so addicted to Facebook!

OUCH!

So after riding on a high of all this income from My website Ive had loads of it disappear!

I reduced my overdraft by £600 which means i now have £600 less available funds. And the home office is taking near on £400 out of my account in a few days.

I also paid off £250 on my credit card. Ok, so it all has to be done, but DAMN does it HURT! It also hurts wen I dont know what my income will be from week to week and i have to rely on people contacting me to make my money. and its so frustrating wen they contact me but dont go thru with sending me the money.

Toxicity

Feeling a bit stressed out at the moment.

I just really need to go travelling I think.

On my walk to he bank today, when I do my best thinking, I felt like I was a beautiful painting that has been washed clean down to a blank canvas. I feel empty and hollow.

I dont do anything. I spend all day, everyday in this room, at my laptop, trying to make my website better so i can earn more money from it, but i never seem to get anywhere with it. I never move, i hardly eat and yet i seem to be putting on weight. Im having second thoughts about going to newquay and dancing the summer there.

But I think I am getting lost in the big picture. There isnt one. And I cant do all the small things when I cant see what its all for.

I tried to look on the bright side. That Im a blank canvas now, so I can paint anything on it. I can create myself, but thats where I get stuck. I dont know what I want to create myself into, and even if I do have an idea, i have no motivation.

I tink i definately am a mirror. I fade into nothing when there is nothing around me to reflect. I never leave the house, i dont hang out with people, i hardly see the few friends that i have. Basically, I have no life. I do nothing and I feel like I am nothing.

But I dont want it to be like this but I need inspiration in order for me to change. I need to be around people who inspire me, who make me want to aspire to what they are. creative people, free thinkers, non conformists, fierce, sensational people, outspoken and bold people.

they light inside me has died. ive overcome depression but it has been replaced with this sense of nothingness. i feel like i am just a husk. a shell of a person. i want all these things for my exterior but inside there is nothing there to germinate from.

i need to get out. im losing myself to the point where i dont even know who i am anymore. i hav no idea what im about. i have nothing to say for myself. and then should anyone stop a moment and speak to me, i inundate them with a barrage of conscious streaming because i havent opened my mouth to speak all day. the only person i talk to is my mom for a couple hours when she gets home.

home. a double bed in a tiny room where my mother, myself and my cat all live and sleep in. how did we get like this!?

sometimes i feel like my mother is taking me down with her. but its a two way street, she can only do that if i let her. but its frustrating when i need help and my mother is in the same boat and all she can say is, i know how you feel, im in the same boat. that doesnt help me. i wish she would push me. i wish she would be there for me in the way of pushing me to better things.

i feel sad and pathetic. i cant seem to make anything work. its always just mediocre and i dont know if its me or if i just havent found my thing.

i need to get out. i need to see the world and experience other people and find inspiration and rebuild myself. i feel so lost. so lost...

i want to get my arm tattooed. and i want to get garver to do my leg. that means i am limiting what i can do with my life by marking my body so extensively, but thats what i want. i dont want to be conventional. i want to be tattooed and different. but i need to find something to DO with my life.

way i see it, djing ticks all the boxes that i want for my life.

- i get to do what i love
- its always changing
- i get to make people happy
- i can work anywhere in the world and it will take me places
- i can have as many tattooes and look anyway i want
- i can be somebody
- i can be my own boss

but for me to get back into djing, i need to get decks and a place where i can play them. in fact, it would be perfect now that i dont hav a full time job, i could spend hours just playing music and making shit hot mixes.

i think i might get the years working holiday visa when i get my british passport and spend a year out there, based in sydney, but visiting fiji, NZ and up the coast to cairns. maybe even visit bali and japan but mainly, just base myself in sydney for a year - get the hell out of england for a bit.

but then if i do that, i will need to go to america first i reckon. i dont think i could wait another year before visiting america!

mom had it in her head that i was going to go straight to america after oz since i was only doing 3 months in each and thats a good plan also, but given my age, i need to get that years working holiday visa in before i turn 31 and ill be 29 in eight months.

speaking of british passports... i got a letter from the home office today. apparently the price has gone up nearly £400 in the last 5 months! So I have to fork out an additional £387 for my application! i was mighty pissed off about that!

a guy sent me £250 cash in the mail last week which i gave to my mom for last months rent i didnt pay her even tho i havent really paid rent since ive been here since november but she is always saying how she needs money and is working two jobs totally about 60 hrs a week and it takes her 2hrs to get home everyday so i gave it to her. i dont mind giving it to her, but i cant help thinking how nice it would look in my bank account. im so nervous about relying on the website for my income. i only have this one guy in finland who sends me money each week and then that guy who sent the 250 who is supposed to be sending me some more this week but who knows if he will come back, they often dont. and i keep worrying that my guy in finland will eventually run out of money and then where will i be? last week he sent me €650 which became £411 in my bank account which was nice. they get off on seeing photos of me with the cash they sent me. one guy in ireland contacted me today, a cripple who wanted me to verbally humiliate him about his disability and he was saying how there are some hot pics of me with the cash people hav sent me. i asked him to send me £100 using the new pay merchant ive signed up with but he asked if i had webcam or a mic and i said no so he just disappeared. that really pisses me off. it wouldnt piss me off if i had nothing to lose, but i need more people to send me money! this is why i just want my website to be perfect so it attracts people. but i need better pics of me, videos, recorded listings on niteflirt and so on.

i got a cheque from niteflirt today for $178 for money id received from when i had an account on there before. took it to the bank and they said they hav to send the cheque back to america for it to be approved or something and itll take up to 6 weeks for me to get the money which will be less than £90. seems like a bit of a mission to me. i dont see why they hav to send it back to america!? anyway, whatever.

just set my talk sugar account to send me the $200 in it. they wire directly to your bank account so hopefully i will see around £100 show up in there soon.

my guy in finland says he has sent me money to my bank account and more cash in the mail. i hope that UK guy sends more cash this week and the £500 i told him to send altho i will be happy with £250. he wants to meet me in london before i go to newquay to give me £1000 in cash in my hands. that i will definately do! lets hope he has the balls to do it. i hope he sends me more cash this week. i get so frustrated when a new guy contacts me but then doesnt send me money. it happened last week, a UK guy, wanted to send me £200 but i told him to send £250 and he disappeared. so i chastise myself for being greedy but they asked for this, they want me to spend their money. i guess you cant please all of the people all of the time.

i am seriously considering going into blackmail. it just seems so much easier to get big money. its all consensual and they hav to fill out an application with all their personal details so i hav proof they asked me to blackmail them. and then i can make them pay me £1000 a week or £5000 a month to keep me quiet and not send incriminating pictures of them humiliating themselves on webcam for me or something. its a dirty business, but the girls who do it make tens of thousands a month.

i gotta stay positive. im just feeling down at the mo. but then i hav my period and its been raining for a week so...

Nobody puts baby in the corner

This BITCH at the club I work at just rang me up to crap all over my head and guess why...

Because I wasnt wearing a necklace or carrying a bag on Saturday night. And do you know why? BECAUSE I WAS WEARING A GODDAMN BIKINI BANDIT COSTUME YOU MUTHAFUCKING WHORE!

Like FUCK OFF!!!! you do not employ Me so dont fucking call me and crap on my head about something so fucking trivial. I dance at your club PART TIME.

And then she goes on to crap on my head because Im going away for four months!? She says, you cant just use our club and then disappear for four months. LIKE WHAT!? Why the hell NOT??? you dont own me? youre not my fucking mother!?

I told her Id been working there since December and I am going away for the summer. Then she starts having a go at me because I told her I cant come in at 8 because I hav night classes (total lie but there is no way i am going to work while its still light outside) and she starts telling me she cant allow that, so i said, oh, so I must just stop having an education because you said so? she was so appalled that i spoke back to her but HELLO honey, I was born this way, I spoke back to anyone who gave me non sensical shit because they think inside the company policy book and disregard reality.

So now im super riled up, almost got "fired", dont even want to go in tonight because I FUCKING HATE THAT SHIT HOLE OF A CLUB and if I go in there one more time I think I might vomit all down my nice slutty stripper dress.

And this has all got me thinking... am I working super hard at being my own boss and working from home because i simply wasnt born to have someone else telling me what to do and when to do and how to do it with no thought to the fact I am a HUMAN and not a machine or am i just being immature and juvenile and should suck it up like all the zillions of people who have a real job and dream about a better life while twiddling their thumbs at a desk job every day.

Well fuck you. I did a desk job, for YEARS. right out of high school i started sucking corporate cock and i can tell you I have gagged on it for the LAST TIME. so i decided to be a horse groom but its not enough about me and too much about still having a boss who makes you shovel shit for a living, so i decided to become a stripper because i have no qualms about showing off, i get off on people getting off on me and supposedly the money is good. but not only that, i figured i would be my own boss. i could work as much as i want, have my days free and NOT HAVE SOMEONE CRAPPING ON MY HEAD ALL THE TIME. oh how wrong i was.

firstly, the money is SHIT. secondly, i hate pandering to men who dont deserve something as good as me, not even for money, thirdly i get treated like im in school!

my first night back and im getting crapped on because im wearing a black g string under a white dress. even tho im wearing black shoes and the dress as a huge black butterfly on it. i almost took them off right there and handed my knickers to her. ITS A PAIR OF FUCKING KNICKERS YOU ASSWIPE! the guys dont giv a shit what im wearing only how fast it comes off.

oh but its company policy. company policy in a strip club. you drive a fucking porsche you moarn when your favourite whore isnt working because she tips you big and brings in all the money. youre a jumped up fucking pimp, so you can get the fuck off my back about my fucking black knickers you decrepid old bag.

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST ON A SILVER SPOTTED BIKE.

i was watching The Ex last night with Zach Braff in it, it hasnt been released yet and he's the same kind of person as i am. when a boss is being a dick, i have no problem giving them a reality check but inevitably you get fired for it. and then his wife has a go at him telling him how everyone else sucks it up and does the job so he needs to also.

and im wondering if my working from home is all a fantasy im desperately trying to make real because i cant stomach the thought of sucking it up and being fucked up the ass by company policy.

Money Magnet

This week I made £1379!!! IN CASH!!!

I had the best night of My life at work last night. It was completely dead and I was dressed as a Bikini Bandit in My bikini and straw hat with a gun belt and two water pistols, I was so bored I was dancing by myself at the bar and this guy came over to me and asked Me to join him for an hour and the four of us ended up in the VIP for THREE HOURS!!!! So I went home with £568 after commission!!!

I was so stoked! And to top off the night, I went home with the girl who was with Me in VIP and we had sex all day while her boyfriend watched - it was awesome! :D

My sugar daddy slave in Finland has been taking care of me also, sending me money to my bank account and €320 in cash, so tomorrow when I deposit my money, I will be actually out of My £1100 over draft by a few pounds for the first time since Ive had it, which is about 3yrs!

I just want to keep going too! I just want to accumulate more and more money. I want to treat my mom to a cool birthday and save up to go to Australia at the end of the year.

I paid off £150 on My credit card also so now I just owe £100 on it :D

I found a website that is doing a cool surf package deal - summer wetsuit, minimal board, leash, wax and board bag for £325 so I will get that next weekend, or I might wait till Im settled in Newquay so I dont have to take it all down on the plane. Ive booked my flight for 31st May.

I bought a lush longboard but not the bahari, the kuni, but it is HUGE! Its like 42 inches long and just heavy and too big for me. I realised when I got it out the box that i want one like the one cass had which is a phat track cruiser and so i called emoceanal in newquay who were selling them and they still have in stock for £60 so Im going to sell mine or send it back and buy that one cos i want to be able to exercise outside before i go to newquay. i get so bored at home talking to the same paypets who dont hav any money. however, I just found this lush board, so i think id rather get this one.

I need to get new photos for my website cos i really only have this guy in finland sending me money.

mom and i spent the entire today in bed watching telly. most of the day was spent sniffling at extreme makeover home edition. then we watched september sessions and thicker than water, then we watched hogan knows best and nows its nearly midnight!

ok im out.

Things are getting better

Hey, so its been a while!

Well, its two minutes into the 1st May and I have just had a review of April.

I worked one night at the club and made £200 and was pretty stoked. I put on my game face, pretended every guy in there was Goddess' gift to Womankind and made some moola! However, I had just had enough and didnt go back.

So Ive been putting all my efforts into my website and its paid off. In the month of April, I collected £3600 worth of tributes. £993 of it was money I could spend, the rest was in gift certificates. Isnt that grand! :D

I now have all the toys I really wanted - An Apple Macbook, Digital Camera, Camcorder and I just bought a Lush longboard! :D So now I have an excuse to be outside in the sunshine and get some exercise!

I bought a cheap treadmill under my moms suggestion and its fun and all, but its on quite a steep incline and there is no way to lower it. It is also run by your own momentum which makes it very hard work. My mom and I can only last ten minutes on it at a push!

A new club is opening in Newquay and I have booked in to start in June. They say that have arranged discounted accom. with various places in NQY and I am still deciding who to stay with. I dont really want to stay in a hostel because I would like privacy and peace to work on the website. And then I thought about Mar's B&B which would be perfect! Last summer he would leave me in his house to watch movies on his massive TV and play on his macbook, so if he has availability, I will arrange to stay there and have one of my money slaves pay for it all. It really would be perfect!

I also FINALLY posted off my citizenship application!!! Its only three years late, but hey, its done! So I should be a British Citizen come November. Which brings me to my plan - I want to have saved around £5000 come November so that I can go travelling as soon as I get my passport. I want to save this money over the three months I will be in Newquay. I reckon if I dance 4-6 nights a week, I can make it easy. I have no desire to go out partying and it is dead cheap in NQY so I reckon I will be able to save up the money. Also, with running the website during the day, it will be easy.

I have found a surf board that I will get one of My puppets to buy for me too. So then I can spend my days practicing in the water and on the street with my longboard!

So everything I want for my life is coming together. OK, I still have super stressful days where I feel so frustrated but when I sit back and think about it, I really am lucky and have a great life.

I have the month of May to get into shape, that means lose 10 to 15 pounds, tone up and get a tan. I made one of my puppets buy me more sunbed minutes today so I have a base tan by the time I get to NQY. I also booked my flight. This time from Gatwick so I dont have to mission all the way to Stansted!!! Everytime I go that way, I miss my damn flight! £60 one way isnt bad.

So, I should get back from NQY during September I reckon and then I will probably stay with my mom again until I go travelling. Cos of the time of year I want to go, I reckon I will have to hit Oz first for three months and then do America next summer. Yeah, Sydney and up the Gold Coast to Brisbane over three months, dancing and surfing all the way! I cant wait! :D

Fuck I just spent £80 on a longboard skateboard and I want my next tattoo. I am confident tho that I will be receiving more bank transfer tributes this week so I will be alright. My next tattoo is going to be this:

And I have decided to get this done on my right thigh by Chris Garver when I am the states next year:


Garver is the only person who could do this, except maybe for Kat Von D, but I would rather have Garver do it because I have a major crush on him! :D

So, out of all my goals, the only thing Im going for now is to save up money and go travelling.

Sydney to Brisbane with a short trip to Fiji - trip 1.

Miami - Costa Rica - San Diego to LA - Hawaii - trip 2.

Both trips over three months with me dancing, surfing, skating and getting tattooed and running the website, writing, photographing and filming my trips.

I reckon I will set up a sweet ass video blog for all my friends to read while I am away. I might even do a practice one with my trip to newquay.

But you know, now that I am so close to my goals, its got me thinking where am I going to go after I have done Oz and the states?

I definately want to visit Japan, I have always been SUPER fascinated with Japan. And now that I will have a British passport I can go work as a dancer all over the place!

But yeah, Japan will be the next trip I reckon. Japan and Bali and maybe some of Thailand over 3 months.

Would like to visit New Zealand at some point and France and Spain and Morocco on surf trips.

Right, thats it, Im off - keep it real bitches!

Miss Vicious