Obstacle course

I have tried just about every frikkin way to get money from my website but moneybookers are crap, paypal have disowned me and just told me theyre keeping the £262 in my account for six months!!! thanks a lot fuckers! nochex dont want me either. you would think, if people gladly want to give me money, that these money merchants would let them, but NO! apparently im too risky. thanks a lot! so the only way for me to accept money is through american pay sites such as niteflirt and talk sugar which is crap considering they take like a 20% cut and its in dollars! the only other way is to have them send me cash in the mail but it will cost £72 for 3 months to have a mailbox!!! and then I have to wait for the money to come through... what a fucking hassle. so im super frustrated. i need money but its the most elusive thing to me and i can help thinking that the universe (god to some of you) is trying to tell me something. like, get a real job!

but i refuse to ever done a suit or office work clothes ever again. i am 100% bohemian. i just wish i had an art form i could make money out of! because im a performance artist, i cant just draw a picture and sell it.

its really frustrating to me that everything i try my hand at is just crap. im totally crap at everything. bar work i love but managers hate me. office work i hate but its a steady income. lap dancing i love without the hustling and the bullshit and the never knowing if youre going to make money or go home with nothing. so im still considering escorting but i stayed up late last night reading escort reviews on an escort site that a close friend of mine used to work for. and i just cant stomach being a vessel for a mans pleasure. its funny, wen i was growing up, i LOVED sex, and i did it with just about anyone i fancied and a lot of it was so crap i thought to myself, "if its gonna be like this, i should get paid for this!". but now, i havent had sex since new years day and i dont really miss it. i kinda think about it, but i want to have sex with someone im really into and theyre really into me. but with me not having a social life or every leaving the house really, thats just not gonna happen. you see, my dream is still to go travelling and meet that special guy on my travels. so im left wondering, if im so over sex with random people, maybe i CAN be an escort. but i dont know, i have become such a feminist that i really dont like the idea of being a sex object to some random guy and perpetuating the social stigma that women are still just around to please men. im a so fiercly against that idea! thats why i hate womens magazines, they all tell you how to be perfect for men.

so i go to bed fantasizing about men paying me to worship me. surely there are rich men out there who just want to spoil and pamper a beautiful, dominant woman? men who see women as their superior and will pay for the honour of pleasing me? i mean that is the whole point of my website and it catches very few of these men because again, even tho they want to serve me, a lot of them still want to get off in some way and its so hard trying to teach them that their joy and happiness comes from being able to please me and give me everything i need and NOT about the useless piece of meat dangling between his legs!

god, the world would be a better place if there were less dicks in it! and i come to this conclusion by myself WITHOUT reading anything feminist. i found feminism purely through my own experiences.

the thing is, im happy to be an escort if im the one calling the shots. im happy to go see a guy so he can spend an hour worshiping my feet. or be taken shopping. or whatever. i dont want to be a dominatrix where i have to done a strap on or be skilled and knowing how to cane someone properly. but i dont know how to go about this!

it would be great to go around having my feet worshiped and pampered and get some shoe fetishists and boot fetishists and have them buy me shoes and boots and pay me for the honour. now THATS living!

i just want to make a lot of money doing something that doesnt require having a boss or working in an office 8hrs a day! i just cant stomach the idea of fucking random guys for money. like fuck off! when do women get to have all the fun huh!? there must be men out there who ask that same question and want to make it happen so that we DO get all the fun and its THOSE men i want to find.

i mean, i want to pay for my mother and i to live in an actual house. with our own bedrooms, a lounge, a kitchen, a garden, somewhere we can actually move around. right now, we live in a double bedroom. in my country only poor black people lived like we do over here and i dont know if its our fault for not expecting better for ourselves or if its because we live in london??? both my mother and i have never been very successful and i am SICK of it. i do not want to end up like my mother at 48, divorced and single and sharing a bed with my 28r old daughter.

this has GOT TO STOP! i mean FUCK, im sharing a bed with my mother!!! im nearly 30 years old!!!! i have no social life, no love life, no finances, no career. like WHAT THE FUCK happened to me!!??!?!! i was about to say, this is not how i saw my life going, but then i never really saw my life going anywhere. i never planned for the future. i never looked ahead and said where do i want to be? who do i want to be? what do i want to be? i could never decide on a goal to work towards, im always changing my mind, being distracted, losing focus. i have got to stop this. i WANT to stop this, but i dont know how. i point blank absolutely REFUSE to work in an office. and i wont fuck for money. so what am i supposed to do??? katey says i should sell my panties. yeah, thats not going to pay my bills and send me traveling.

i get a message from an SG member saying nothing will happen until i make it happen, but i guess im just really fucking stupid cos i cant think of a way to make it happen. i want to be a dj. i want more tattoos. i want to travel and surf and skate. i want to sleep in my own bed in my own bedroom in a house with all the rooms a house comes with. i want to be debt free. i want to have a life and news to tell my friends when they ask me whats been happening in my life. all these things cost money and i cant figure out a way to make it.

i hate being told what to do, but i fall to pieces with no discipline. my dad was such a bully and always telling me what to do, i never had to take responsibility for myself, never had to discipline myself, never wanted to because it was a break from him.

funny how everything fucked up that i am is a result of my dad. thanks you fucker! i need to get over this shit. i just dont know where to start and i dont know anyone to talk to about it. my mom has no idea how to help me, she wouldnt be such a fuck up if she did.

so i bury my head in the sand by sleeping all day...

YAY ME!

So My shiney white new laptop arrived yesterday! What an AWESOME SURPRISE! It also came with the sexy new DVD player I had one of My paypets buy for Me. Speaking of which, a new pet today bought Me a 23" widescreen TV, digital camera, wireless router for my laptop and a wireless box for My TV so I can watch My downloaded movies on widescreen! YAY ME!

I also got £200 paypal tribute which I have been spending on ebay :D

Now, the plan is. Get £500-£1000 tributed to ME for My mom's birthday so she can go away at the end of May, her birthday is on the 27th which falls on a long weekend here in the UK. She is moaning that now that she has a British passport, she cant do anything with it because she has no money to go travelling! So that will be My gift to her.

I am going back to work tonight for the next 3 nights. I am on a mission to make as much as I can as My bank account is in disarray! I got a new dress in the post today from ebay so I will make loadsa moola! I need to pay My mom rent!

Speaking of which, Once I have got My moms birthday out of the way, I will be collecting money for a deposit to move into My own studio flat. I love living with My mom but I really need my own space. We are so cramped, me, my mom and our HUGE cat in one double room with no space to move really. I have so much stuff arriving now that we have nowhere to put it!

Anyway, I must dash, I have more money to take off people, supper to cook, crotch to wax and then off to work!

Here is a pic I took from My laptop :D It has a built in camera in the casing :D

Happy Easter!

Its certainly been a while hasnt it my friends?

Well a lot has happened since I last posted. The most exciting news is that I managed to collect £850 in Amazon gift certificates from My money slaves in one week and have now purchased an Apple laptop which I am SUPER excited about! It is due to arrive on Wednesday - TWO MORE SLEEPS!!!!! :D I am SOOOO excited! It was so much fun, I got My paypets into such a tizz about Me, one of them sent £200 in one night and the other sent £350 all on the same night! And I actually didnt really do anything for it, isnt that just wonderful!?

So now I am collecting for a 26" Widescreen TV. For some reason I have always wanted to buy My mom one, she thinks Im weird and I say, Im not sure why, but Ive always wanted to get her one. So Im collecting for one now, its £424 and Ive already collected £150.

I spent a couple nights this weekend looking through the Apple website, their new Leopard OS is coming out this Spring and it is out of this world!!!! I cant wait to get it when its released. Of course, I wont pay for it myself ;)

I sprained my ankle for the second time in October drunkanly play fighting with a boy and it has started to give me pain at work so Ive taken the past week off. I am going to audition at a new club this week, I need a break from my old club and I always make loads of money when I start in a new club.

Ive also decided to take up swimming again. Half an hour everyday until I get my lung and body strength up. It will also help me when I take up surfing lessons again during the summer. Yeah, I reckon I'll spend a couple months in Newquay over July and August dancing at the Teazers there and learning to surf during the day as well as running the website on My new laptop! :D I really need to find out how to insure it in case it gets stolen.

I cant wait to get this TV cos I had one of my puppets buy me a DVD player to go with it and Ive had so many DVDs bought for me which I cant watch since our TV/DVD combo went on the blink.

So, goals for the rest of this year?

* Apply for citizenship (i know, i know! its just that i havent declaired my self employment tax for two years and im afraid they will decline it because of this but i hav to get all my P45s from the past 2yrs whjich is impossible since i have had a zillion jobs in that time!)

* Make enough money so my mom and I can move into a two bedroom and afford the rent.

* Spend the summer in Newquay learning to surf and collecting money to go travelling at the end of the year.

* Buy a Lush Longboard Skateboard - Bahari! And learn to skate it in London streets!

* Really take the time to learn Dreamweaver and Fireworks - you have the books, now get to it!

* Re-register Bresler Creative and design a great website. you can view my holding website for it here I did that one in about 30 minutes last night using a template from my hosts.

* Pay off my overdraft and credit card.

* Make mix CDs and do some bar and terrace gigs and get back into DJing.

* Buy a pole to go in our new house and get really good at pole dancing and choreograph shows!

* Stay in the damn green!!!

Fuckity fuck

So ive managed to suddenly fall into a pot hole!

Started feeling super stressed about money last night, went to work, it was completely dead, they wouldnt let me go so I walked out. Figured Id basically lost my job from doing that but got two calls on my phone today asking if I will be in tonight. I dont know what to do. I dont have the money for house fee and if its another dead night... I just cant do this anymore.

Its times like these when I start thinking about just being an escort for one month so I can get my head above water financially. I am over my overdraft limit, with no idea where my next bit of cash is coming from.

My members section of my website is up but Im having issues getting the payment process to work and they only send payments two weeks after people sign up. Hopefully no one will do a chargebacks or request a refund. I gave my bank deposit details to my bestboy and then got an email from him to say he will be away for a couple days and then will make a deposit when he gets back. Great timing bestboy...

I dont know if I should try work tonight, I dont want to have to deal with the housemum giving me shit for leaving last night. My ankle is hurting me from wearing heels so much as well.

And then my thoughts go back to being an escort. For one month only. £300 a pop, I can do 4 guys a week and earn £1000 a week. For one month, all My financial troubles will be gone. Overdraft paid off, rent and bills paid, laptop and video camera bought, savings in the bank to go travelling... Funny that, become a whore cos I couldnt make money as a stripper.

What the fuck else am I supposed to do? Get a bar job and make £200 a week? Get an office jb and make £350 a week? Thats not good enough!

Im 28 and share a room and bed with my mother. I have no nice clothes, Im £1100 in debt to the bank plus all my bills I need to pay. I am SICK OF LIVING LIKE THIS.

Why did I ever think it would be enough to be pretty and make money out of it?

£5000 in 5 weeks. And Ill be back on my feet. I will be able to afford to start a future insted of scraping by just to stay alive. I can get CDJs or a laptop and restart my djing career while i wait for my citizenship.

My dream is to be a tattooed surfing, skating, travelling DJ.