sea salt cleansing

i just got back from a long walk along the beach. the tide was right out and it was kind of misty. ive been thinking lately how in everything you do, you have to sacrifice something. if you want to be super rich, you have to sacrifice your time and if you dont want a job, you hav to sacrifice your money. so ive been thinking, how much can i sacrifice and still feel comfortable? or arent you supposed to feel comfortable? surely sacrifice is the glue between the yin and the yang, the good and the bad, the light and the dark, the black and the white.

being at home this week, with nothing much to do has made me restless. i actually miss having a job, i miss working and knowing im getting paid. so this week im gonna find another bar or restaurant job cos that way i can run the website at the same time. that is, if i pursued dave to let me get a wireless connection for us.

i actually understand now how dez and a lot of people i know can work tirelessly at a job they dont really like and isnt what theyre about. it affords them security and to eventually reach their goals. and thats ok. i even admire these people. but its not for me. not until i find what im passionate about. i know i need to work for myself and i know my passion lies in dance and music. i also know that i want to travel and study and settle down and hav kids if the world is worth it.

I want some... pancakes... and some bacon.

I just finished watching The Notebook. Now this movie is my typical romantic movie which I love. It speaks to the very heart of me. I have loved movies like this for as long as I can remember and I'll tell you why. Its that look in the guy's face when he first sees the woman he spends the rest of the movie pursuing. He goes out of his way, does everything he can, to be with this woman. Its the kind of movie that reminds me that the love of a woman by a man is one of the most beautiful things that exists in this world. And it has, and always will be what I have always wanted for myself. My ultimate dream. For a man to see me and know in his heart, I have to be with that woman. To know that a man has done everything in his power to be with me because he KNOWS there is no one else he would rather be with. Its a love I could trust. In this day, people are so quick to look for their next quick fix. People are so impatient. If you dont giv me what I want right now, I will get it somewhere else. No one has the presence of mind to look past their own noses.

This movie was also set in the 1940's (on of my favourite eras) when men respected women. When it wasnt all about getting laid, fucking some chick up the ass, talking shit about women and expecting women to be whores but wen they are you treat them like dirt. This world sickens me the way something so beautiful, namely sex, and women has been cheapened so much. Its no wander there is so much hurt and hatred in this world.

I want a man who knows his own heart and wants to respect a woman. A man who is not afraid to love despite having been hurt in the past. A man who will let me be me and not judge me. A man I can grow along side. A man who can hold me down wen I want to run. Someone who can lay next to me and watch me sleep and think he is the luckiest man to be lying next to me. A man who can laugh at me wen I get crazy. Who can provide for me and protect me. A man who can stand up to me, but who wants nothing more in this world than to see me happy.

Being mucho does not mean that you are less of a man when you give a woman what she wants. I may sound feminist or too big for my boots wen I say that I truly believe that a man's purpose is to provide for and protect the woman he loves. Men are happiest wen pleasing a woman. They need not admit it, but I know it. And people wonder why I am so quick to decide about some men, but I know very soon when a man's intention is to please himself first and if that is the case, then he is not the man for me.

I am going to get the word "hope" tattooed on the inside of my left arm because it means I will forever stand by my belief that somewhere in this world there is still a good, honest man who's sole intention is not to get laid as much as possible but insted, to love a woman with all his heart and be fulfilled in this action.

I do not care how much people judge me for my vision, this is what I want and the law of the universe says that I will receive it in good time.

you must not know bout me

wow! what a week ive just had!

4hrs lates for work on sunday due to taking a "legal" pill gets me fired. asking a friend to look after my phone at a salmonella dub gig on wednesday gets it lost. not thinking straight on friday gets me missing my flight to london and today finding out ive been paying phone insurance for the wrong phone gets me over £100 refund and a £40 we're sorry immediate refund! plus a new phone on a new contract. but to top it all off, i get home to find someone has returned my lost phone to me!

however, the best part of it all was getting it on with a smokin hot brazillian. god i love brazillians, some of the best sex of my life! this is how it happened...

at the beginning of the gig im on my way from the bar to the front of the stage and as i pass this guy i put my hand on his arm to squeeze by and notice he has rather nice muscles, so i pause and squeeze his arm and go "mmm!" and smile and walk away. after dancing like a maniac to the best band on the planet, i head to the bar only to once again bump into the owner of the nice muscles who makes sure he gets in my way. we end up talking and flirting and sex is just oozing out of this man so we head back to his place where we proceed to fuck like demons for a couple hours till it hurts. we pass out and he gently wakes me up at 7am cos he has to catch the bus up to london. he writes his number and email address down for me and has his mate drop me off at home. having left my keys in the club im lucky to arrive the same time my house mate is leaving for work so she can let me in. oh man, i love brazillian men, so passionate. he is the second one ive shagged and both kissed and fucked with all the passion of a thousand cupids. he was so beautiful too. such a ripped, toned body and a huge mushroom head dick, mmm mmm! he said he was 31 but he looked older. says he is a designer and that he runs a bar on the beach in brazil which his friend is looking after while hes in the UK. man i kept thinking i could hav this mans babies if it meant we could hav such great sex all the time. he was also very considerate and well mannered like the other brazillian i hooked up with wen i first got here.

so, i missed my flight and lost my phone but i got a great shag, a nice refund, a new phone and my old phone back - sweet!

now all i need is a nice little earner, if only my website would work!

i am also currently loving the following music:

SALMONELLA DUB - check them out!
Fat Freddy's Drop
Pete Murray
John Butler Trio
razorlight - america
beyonce - irreplaceable
cassie - me & you
the rapture - get myself into it
hot chip - and i was a boy from school

im super stoked ive managed to figure out how to fix my ipod too, so now i can listen to all new music and not be bored of the stuff i had on there. trust me, it was more complicated than it sounds!

i saw jamie at salmonella dub. he looked hot, as usual. i dont think i said anything to him. i hope i didnt, i know what im like wen im drunk.

its been nice to have a couple of the staff at work show theyre bummed i was fired and say they wish i was still working there. especially like carly, her and i are becoming good friends.

im starting to feel super over men. like i just want to concentrate on being awesome and feeling awesome and just being chill and happy and laughing. my man is out there and hes looking for me.

i fell out with laurence today. he is super posessive and doesnt talk to me nicely, even if i ask him to not do that, so i just told him forget it. he got me so angry this morning, i just said, you are NOT my psycotherapist and youre not my friend. he said i said that to a lot of people and i said no, just him. he analyses every word that i say and orders me around and gets annoyed wen i dont do as he says or come around wen he wants me to. thats not a friend. and he always expects something in return wen he does something for me. that is not a friend. quite a few people i know dont like him cos hes funny in the head. how do i manage to find these psychos? i feel bad cos i know what its like to be misunderstood, but he treated me badly and i didnt like the way he made me feel so i ended our friendship. he is also such a fucking know it all. and i hav a sneaky suspicion he cant surf for shit either.

anyway, marcus helped me today by letting me use his phone to rearrange my flight for next weekend. he is being super nice to me. yesterday we watched appleseed
[click here for trailer] together which was a wicked animé. that chick kicks ass and she flys around in this big transformers style robot thing - i loved it. definately one for the dvd collection. its weird marcus being so nice to me. wen i came to stay at his b&b in may he wasnt so nice. charged me £30 a night and wasnt so friendly. now he's even offered me to use his laptop to run my website cos dave is giving me gyp about using my pc in the house and hes always online and wont get wireless cos he is the biggest tight arse ive ever met! shit this guy would sell his own mother for a can of beer.

so i lost £30 for the flight i missed but carphone warehouse gave me £40 for some reason and i might get a nice refund wen this insurance thing sorts itself out. funny how things work out...

you know im not a big fan of beyonce, like i wouldnt buy one of her albums but i really like this irreplaceable song of hers. i like how she says she has another guy waiting while she kicks her guy out the house. its really inspirational. it reminds us girls that we are goddesses and worth it. something men should remember more often.

chris came in the other day and i know he was just bragging to dave cos he got laid for the first time in ages but i still didnt like how he said he was raping the girl. why do guys think its ok to be derogatory towards women? its just not on. and then if i say something they say im being uptight? i cant wait till the world catches up and starts putting women back into power. i dont want to hate on men but theyre not doing themselves any favours. honestly the fastest way to make me see red is if a guy disrespects a woman. im sure i could honestly cut off a mans dick - they make me fucking sick but its down to us woman. we must let them know its just not ok to talk shit about women. they wouldnt get their jollies if we didnt say yes and they forget that. they forget that women are not on this earth to please them - its the other way around!

24!!!

My housemate has got me hooked on watching 24 season 3 with her. Today we spent 4 hours sitting on the edge of our seats watching it! I hate this program so much! I cant believe how intense it is! Sometimes I even have to leave the room! ARGH! She actually wants to call in sick to watch the last disc cos we are so hooked on it. phew! ps: Tonight I dyed my hair mahogany. So its actually like a deep rich red colour. Ive never been this colour before but my hair is super shiney! Im also thinking about cutting it into a long bob. Like down to my shoulders.

My ankle is much better so Im back to work on Tuesday. I hope it holds out and doesnt get worse. I really need to make up the money ive lost by not working. Im still trying to get my website ready but Im having doubts it wont work. I have to keep reminding myself to stop being such a perfectionist and be patient.

I downloaded a multi instant messaging program called Trillian that allows me to have as many chanels of msn, yahoo, AIM and ICQ open in one program. This way I can talk to my friends and my money slaves at the same time.

I have had SO many false starts with the business. Lots of so called money slaves starting conversations and then chickening out when I demand money from them. Its so frustrating. I really just need £200 to pay the rent at the end of the month. £85 to pay my phone bill so I can cancel the contract and move to 02 to get the cool Sony Ericsson W710i. £60 to pay off work and £40 to pay back katey. Then I will have my immediate debts paid. £345 to be clear. I need to make this work for me... Then I need £250 to pay off my credit card. Then £280 to send of my naturalisation application. Then £280 to buy a surfboard. Then £1000 to pay back mom. Then £1100 to pay off my bank overdraft. Then £3000 in savings. I can do this. I can do this. Im just worrying that my website isnt good enough, that my approach is all wrong. I keep changing my approach, I keep doubting it. I keep looking at those doing better at it than I am. Im so bi-polar or schitzophrenic that one hour I want to use one approach, then next hour a different approach. Its annoying!

I need to get demanding. I am beautiful and worth every penny they have so they will give it to me or be blocked. Its so hard to block the guys who waste my time cos I really need the money and I keep thinking maybe I was being too hasty, but dammit, I cant be wasting time on every guy who promises to send me money and doesnt! I need to get the website up. Something tangible for them. And then I think, since I have no slaves at the moment, maybe its worth spending a little longer talking to these guys who take their time to pay me. Maybe I shouldnt be so hasty. I need to make it so they cant be without me. I need to find out what triggers them so I know how to control them and manipulate them.

I need to learn photoshop and dreamweaver but I keep putting it off. I think actually, once Ive got the website up, I wont have anything to distract me so I can start learning them. Altho Dave will be back on Thurs and apparently he spends a lot of time on the net. This is why I need a laptop, so I can take it to Belushis and sit there and use their wireless insted of waiting for the guys to get offline. That actually might not be so good for my business if they are always online. Fuck.

I just need some money to get back on my feet and then a laptop. Then I can start paying for everything else.

This will happen. I will make this work. I dont have any other choice.

all my life... watching america...

im having serious money worries at the moment. im earning around £150 a week. £50 of which goes into my savings to pay for rent. another £5 to my credit card. and somehow, i managed to spend the rest - on what!? i dont go out, i dont eat expensive food. ok wait, i could buy 60p eggs but i dont want to eat battery hen eggs. i could also live on pot noodles but i want to eat healthily. my diet is good at the moment, lots of salad, veg, fruit and soup and i cook it from scratch in the kitchen.

anyway, i owe jez £60 for the sub, katey £40 for the jacket she bought me which she's just asked me for, £200 for rent on the 3rd Nov. £200 to my credit card. I want to apply for my naturalisation which is another £280. A surf board will be £280, not to mention the £2100 i owe to my mom and the bank collectively! Oh and last months phonebill is still owed £40 and next months is due on thursday! ARGH!!!!

So I figure ill pay everyone off £5 a week, well jez and katey at least. and my phonebill, £10 a week. that way things are slowly getting paid as opposed to never paying the stuff back. but damn, i cant keep going on like this with absolutely no money. earning £150 a week will mean ill be paying off what i owe for the rest of my life! and i want to travel!

i am going to have to sort this website out. get it up even if its basic and work on it as you go, as long as its up and youre getting money in. i could make £200 - £1000 a week. just think, £1000 a week and ill be debt free in 2-3 months. and i will have bought a surfboard and skateboard, sent off my naturalisation application and started saving for a round the world trip! YEEHAW!

So, that is my goal, pay off as much as you can while you set up the website and earn £1000 a week. Come next summer, you will have your British passport and will be able to surf and skate well enough to tavel and surf come next winter.

YEEHAW!!!

thanksgiving

Today I realised Ive been given a lot of what I asked for this year.

I now live on the coast where I have the opportunity to learn to surf and skate. I have a lot of friends. I have hundreds of photos of me and my friends enjoying life. I have a social life. I have a job I enjoy doing and I enjoy going to work everyday. I live in a modern house which has a kitchen I can cook proper meals for myself in and a lounge where I can watch tv or movies. We have an internet connection and ok I may be living in a room not much bigger than my single bed, but Im happy. And ok, Im earning very little, but Im happy. I also dont have a special man in my life, but Im happy. Today I also found out Im completely sexual disease free, WOOT!

Right now, I am cooking myself some whoegrain pasta, carrots, zuccini, mushrooms, red pepper, garlic, boiled eggs and tomato and chilli sauce for my dinner with strawberry yoghurt for desert. Im happy.

And Im happy Im happy.

my lovely horoscope for october

For October 2006: This month is potent enough to change your career and personal circumstances. The wild card, as usual, is YOU. A number of tasty proposals will be laid before you. Some of these may conflict with other desirable options. Your challenge is to choose a path that enthralls and sustains you. Keep in mind that it’s in your nature to break away from the herd and distinguish yourself from “average,” “normal” or “mundane.” So when you make your decision, don’t take the path of least resistance or something that caters to herd mentality. Take a chance on being the first, best or only in your field. This month’s opportunities are too good to yawn or wave off. Get serious and make a decision. Nothing that comes your way will be a gift. Each opportunity is something you’ve earned. Your challenge is to select the most appropriate course of action. You can ask experts and friends for their opinions, but it all comes down to what you want. A Full Moon on the 6th illustrates how important it is for you to focus your thoughts and articulate your goals. Speaking your intentions makes them more real, particularly when you state them in front of people you love and admire. This month is ultra-empowering and reminds you who’s boss: YOU. You’re the architect of the rest of your life, starting now. Don’t waste a moment on detours to nowhere. Figure out who and what you want to be and get going. Mercury is retro from October 28th through November 17th, suggesting that some of you may rewrite your plans or goals during this time. You may also take a closer look at the authority figures you’ve previously followed and obeyed and decide that you’ve outgrown all of ‘em. In other words, October can be an intensely liberating time that frees you from the past, pointless illusions and steers you to your raison d’etre. This month’s touchstone: Ruby.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

so, who and what do i want to be? where do i want to go?
so much of this is true.

something to think about

i just found the following as a comment on a video on metacafe of a young boy singing a sura from the koran. for those of you who dont know, the koran is the arabic version of the bible.
anyway, this is what was said in response to someones comment about religion and i thought he wrote it really nicely and completely agree with what he said:

"Its amazing how much heated debate there is over religion... if all are right... then who’s wrong... if someone is actually wrong... then not everyone is right... so who do you listen to? Why the hell is anyone trying to convert someone anyway? You have to believe as I do because I believe it? What a load... people tend to be emotional hate filled creatures who lash out at anything different... lack of honor and respect for one another’s existence and right to believe what they want to believe is a sign of immaturity / youth... why the hell does everyone have to be the same? Got news for you... as long as there are humans with our current anthropological development no one is going to ever totally agree and if by some freak of nature the planets all align and we all agree for a moment, that’s all it will ever be… just a moment (assuming people survive another 5000 years or so).

Live your life… life is short… do something productive and bring pleasure to the life of others and your time spent here (and I don’t mean by converting people to your way of thinking) will bring more joy to those you care about and yourself as well. Unless your just an immature moron hell bent on satisfying an aggressive hateful emotional response because of an inability to grow emotionally and or intellectually. Quit trying to change those in the world to your “image” of what you think their life should be. Gotta love any religious doctrine saying don’t kill “unless”… just reinforces the fact it was written by humans with their engendered perspective. I’d say think for yourselves… but most people don’t have the intellectual capacity to do so. "

freedom fighter

“"With lips like sugar, eyes like meat... I've watched men come, go and cheat... I sleep to dream and dream of sleep
I had a dream Joe..
That your hands were raised up to the sky
And your mouth was covered in foam.
I've been Crucified, Justified, and Mortified by my behaviour.
Both feminine and masculine, I am a contradiction, a juxtaposition.
My relief is my release and only time will tell.
All's well that ends well...
I am unsweetened, unclean...been called Drama Queen..
Ex Girlfriend, Ex Member, The Tantrum, The Temper.
I point my finger...take the blame
And this time I will own the name.
Because nobody is going to ruin me, If I have to I will ruin myself..
And it will be My Ruin...
Fucker!"

Tairre B, My Ruin.

Bang Out

So I finally got my computer back from London. Its good to have my beloved back but unfortunately I cant get it hooked up to the internet which sucks, so im still using the house pc...

But, this now means that I can spend the days when there is no surf teaching myself Dreamweaver and Photoshop so I can make myself spangly new websites for my Djing and the Femdom job I do.

God I am so lazy. I spend whole days on the internet. I should be teaching myself to surf, and going to kickboxing classes, doing Pilates and not sitting on my arse infront of the net looking at hot naked chicks on SG...

Why do I subotage my success?

addicted...

im officially addicted to the internet, i swear i can spend 10hrs straight sitting here. i actually get sore from sitting here.

but anyway, what i wanted to say was, i think i am bipolar. there are definately two sides to me.


the surf chick.

and the alternative chick. and i mean alternative in the coloured hair, tattoos, suicide girl way.

my hair is a natural dark blonde right now, but i wish it was blonde, red and black. i cant decide.

what i do know however, is that i want to be married to a hot, alternative guy and raise two kids with him. a guy who knows himself and who can calm me down. guys dont realise that if they were with me, theyd get laid everyday and i wouldnt be the mess head that i am right now...

dangerous dame!

i am spending a lot of time on suicide girls these days. posting more on that blog than this one. im feeling very alternative at the moment. itching to get more tattoos, wish i could afford them! and thinking about dyeing my hair.

Harlow

lucy in the sky with diamonds

S just told me he has been suspended from work cos his boss came in while he was coming up on three pills. The guy is constantly on drugs at work. I have nothing to say to him. He has a 3yr old son and he is 36yrs old. He should know better. He has a 16yr old son back home and his ex-girlfriend just had an abortion cos they didnt use protection. Can you say Responsibility? He has no tact, no respect for himself or other people. He talks to people like shit. And he expects me to laugh with him everytime he fucks up. It so happens that his on/off girlfriend is one of my best friends down here. So I have to watch her give him more than he deserves cos she is an unconditional giver to the detriment of her time, energy and money.

I think coming here was definately to test my self discipline and self control - of which I have barely none. It helps to be in contrast with people who play harder than you do. Ive not had any drugs for a long while. I just dont enjoy taking pills anymore and coke is way more expensive down here than in London, besides, I dont know anyone who has any. I did a bit when I got down here, but, there has been more drink available to me than anything else. And its been free. Thursday was a bad night, I should not have got that drunk. Friday night, I had a couple drinks and a shot of jagermesiter that this guy bought me cos I told him he was cute. I stayed at work until 4am however and I should have just gone home. Went past Andi's place first cos I wasnt ready to be alone and had a piece of their pizza while they told me that everyone knows I slept with M. I wonder how everyone knows. Brad goes "We know you didnt sleep with S and you didnt sleep with J, but you did sleep with M". I felt like I was in an episode of Murder She Wrote... Why my sex life is such a topic of interest I dont know, but this is a small town I guess.

i want to break free, god knows, god knows, i want to break free!

yeah, i definately need to go back to being blonde. and im going to dye it three colours. i am tired of people underestimating me and taking me for some one im not.

i think i also subconciously alienate myself from people. everyone is cool at first, but then they just stop including me. i think i giv off this vibe that i prefer my own company.

i read something on a suicide girls today that could really say the same for me:

"I think 98% of people in the world are arseholes. However, I always give everyone the benefit of the doubt until they do something to prove themselves an arsehole. On occassion I've gotten it wrong; both ways."

some days here i feel a little overwhelmed. i think i was extra paranoid today. anyone i knew who didnt smile at me upon greeting them i thought id done something wrong. and this was just about everyone i saw today... at l east its not the crashing, end of the world type of overwhelment anymore like i got in london.

i went into this hippy, spiritual shop today after work to hav a look around, smell some incense. i thought to myself - "im searching for enlightenment". everyone i meet tends to fade into the background soon after. i think im just used to being the kind of person people dont really wanna be around. i think im just too complicated, too different. fuck im a good actor cos no one has any idea how different i am to them. sometimes i dont know if i am a little bit psycho. i am starkly aware of the things that dont work for me. somedays i wish i had someone more wise and more intuitive than i am to talk to...

maybe this is why i am mostly frustrated all the time. becos i just dont really fit in. im clever enough to behave like everyone enough to get me by as normal and acceptable, but i get tired of fitting in so people feel comfortable around me and i end up lashing out. im so changeable. everyday i feel different. everyday i want to be someone else, do something else and the reality and morbid similarity of one day from the next makes me twitch. everyone just accepts without question.