ive been a naughty girl...

this summer's theme has been australian men for me, damn! i cant get away from them!

last night, i finished at 6 and sat drinking with the boys from the interior fittings co. ended up taking one of them home who wasnt one of the hotties i fancy but he had a good body and is like 6'4. we were pretty drunk and we did some gear here and i ended up making him fuck me. it was good, but i was just hoping he wouldnt tell the boys at work cos theyre always at the pub and i didnt want to be known for it...

but it seems he didnt say anything cos some of them were at the pub tonight and i had a few drinks with them. one of the hotties was there and he gave me his jumper which i think he looks so sexy in. his name is kete. what a cool name! he walked me home and snogged me and damn is he hot. he's only 22, but hes like 6'1 and has a great body, beautiful big eyes, nice hands, and is a pisces. he's really chilled and he wanted me to go home and chill with him and then he asked if he could come home with me but i am so tired from last night's shenanigans and working all day i said no even tho i was really tempted!

im not working until 4pm tomorrow when the england game is on. gonna be a busy shift, but i like it that way.

i still havent come on my period, im proper worried now. will do a test tomorrow. ive not done a test yet cos im not sure how ill handle it if its bad news... if its from being with J in newquay, ill be like a month pregnant, which is not good news... i dont wanna go thru that. i just want my damn period. i bled a bit when i had sex with sam on saturday so i thought id started cos some months i hav no telltale signs im gonna come on, but it seems it was a false alarm...

ive not had any business from my website, i hav no idea why... i wrote some better copy for it and im hoping when i have more time off work that i will hav he time to dedicate to making it into a better website. gonna get mom to do some photos for me and ive said ill do some shoots with some photographers who wanna shoot me but i still dont feel like ive lost enough weight. i still cant fit into my diesel jeans... 9.9 stone last time i checked. i dont eat as much anymore. once or twice a day now and im always running around at work thats why ive gone from like 10 stone to 9.9, thats like 5 pounds of lost. not a lot.

shea told me he's lost like 20 pounds, that such good going, it cant be easy for him having always been a big guy and not into exercise. im too lazy to exercise but i really want to. i want to get my tummy ripped again. i got my weights back from my mom but ive just had no time between work, sleep and drinking. god ive done so much drinking this summer! it was hot again today, and 30 degrees tomorrow. i want to try and lie in the park tomorrow before work, my sunbed tan has faded - need to sort that out, i look fat without a tan!

monika and i are back on talking terms again which is nice cos i didnt like the tension. i respect her as my manager, i just get my back up wen she orders me around. i really want my website to get off the ground and start earning me money again, it will make my life so much easier!

i still havent sent off my naturalisation application, i need to send it off!

i need to be nicer, and not so damned defensive around guys. just chill and take my guard down a bit, im not doing myself any favours. so many times i wish i would just shut the hell up!

i need my website to work, im earning less than £200 a week now and that sucks, i cant do anything. i so shouldnt hav bought those shoes, cos i could have afforded to get my hair down like this:


yeah, FIERCE!

im thinking about having a marilyn piercing like forbidden too. i wonder if it will look nice on me. i wish i knew photoshop well enough to make it look like i have one to see what it would look like.

all the guys like my new myspace profile pic, i find this very interesting:

I am FIERCE!

So today, I was looking at this girl's website and it really inspired me. It reminded me that I have a lot going for me. I am FIERCE.

So from now on, I am going to live the fullness of my potential.

Im dyeing my hair back to platinum blonde with electric blue underneath and Im going to wear fierce make up and get ripped going to the gym and everyone better just watch out - if you dont like it, i dont care, its not about you.

Ive faded into the background for too long, so watch me bitches!

In other news, mario called up and we went to pop, i got pissed and david gave me a gram of charlie which i kept to myself. sam the dj showed up and he's now single so i went home with him and we spent the morning having sex. unfortunately we ran out of condoms but i was ready to do it all day! i had to be at work at 4pm so i got home around 2:30, showered and went to work for 7hrs, i was so exhausted wen i got home i slept for 13hrs! then i went to the pub to see australia lose the world cup which was a bummer but i got to see nick the cutey from that interiors company. then i went up to high street kensington to buy some chanel nail polish and dished out £60 on a pair of christian louboutin rip offs - ai mami! i also bought a diamond skull and bones chain which looks rockin on me.

fucking watch out world!

make my nipples hard lets go!

so my website is back up and running, I am just waiting for all the submissives to come pouring in, offering Me their money for being so damned beautiful, cruel and worshipful.

greg is already back and buying most of my lengthy amazon book wishlist - which is good, but i just dont have the space for more books!

i have had another guy email me and give me a list of various, interesting ways for me to control his life and finances - as a test, i have set him the shopping task of buying me these shoes. Ive already bought them in black, so he can get them in red for me.

i paid a tribute to my idol and then copied all of her journal entries so i can study her further. i think she is amazing at how she plays this game and my only wish is that i get that good too. i believe tho, things will be easier once mom and i do a shoot for me to use the pictures to entice.

i set up niteflirt payment buttons on my page today, i hope i start receiving some money. at the moment its in dollars while i wait to find the time to set up the ticketsclub system.

next month i will have my days free so i can work at dreamweaver and making an even better website. i cant wait to live a life of luxury paid for by devoted worshipers! when my website was working for those two months, i made nearly £2000 without the tease and denial that i have planned to bring in more bucks. :D not to mention the gifts i received, stockings, books, shoes, earphones and the best of all, a pc monitor which i sorly needed. i want my apple macbook bought by a devoted subject, that will be the ultimate!

i plan to have regular tributes come pouring in on a daily basis so i can save up to go travelling next year and also get pampered with regular manicures, pedicures, massages and waxes. i want my gym membership paid for, my rent, and all my bills paid for. i will still work part time at the pub, but i want my main income to be from the website. its such a great avenue to express my creativeness and narcissim. how i love the invention of financial domination! woohoo!

tomorrow i have a pedicure and then on the train down to brighton to hang out with steve, should be good and the weather will be great tomorrow too. i was invited out by the girls at work tonight but i am real tired and emily called to remind me about spaceys party which i had totally forgotten about...! so im home and i want to go to bed.

last night i watched the australia game with a bunch of ozzie guys i met at the pub. one of them tried to pull me and we ended up having a playful wrestling match in the park at 2am! my hand hurt today... why cant i be less of a tomboy!

highlight of my day today were the hotties from that decorating company coming in for a pint and i got them to book a table for the next australia game on monday, which i have off, so i will be drinking with them and hopefully hit it off with one of them. the cutey i made book the table is called nick and i told him he was one of the 5 cutest in the co. he liked that! lol

i hope my website takes off soon, bartending is earning peanuts!

how great will it be when i am earning money just for being alive and i have my days free to do whatever i like! woot!

what do you look for in a guy lisa?

big smile, big heart, big dick.

thats the short version.

i love men who are honourable. men with manners and respect, who respect themselves. men with ambition and intuition, imagination and enthusiasm. men who are passionate about life and unafraid to love someone. men who love sex as much as i do. wicked sense of humour, twisted mind.

actually fuck that, someone a lot like me!

therein lies my problem - i am so unique that it is difficult for me to find someone similar to me.

someone who can hold me down wen i want to run, someone who will believe in me and push me to be better but also love me as i am, as good enough.

someone who knows wen im being serious and wen im just messing around. someone who doesnt get offended easily.

someone who looks at me sleeping and thinks hes the luckiest guy in the world to know me and be lying next to me.

someone who will stop me from fighting the world.

jesus fucking christ!

i dont think i can take much more of this!

all i want is a hot man i can fuck and a gram of coke, whenever i want it, why is this too much to ask?

yum yum

I feel rested, I slept so much yesterday. And I wasnt supposed to work on Sunday ARGH! So Im gonna ask that I get this Sunday off. Ive got an interview at Sophisticats tomorrow night to be a cocktail waitress there on Saturday nights and one other night. Ive told Mon that Im not working Sundays or Sat. nights anymore from 1st July and that I cant do day shifts either. So I will work 6 nights a week now and have my days free to do shoots with mom and work on the website. I found a photoshop book I didnt know I had. Well, Id forgotten I had it, so I want to spend time with it, learning photoshop. I NEED this website to get up and running ASAP.

I also want to post off my naturalisation application before the end of the month, really, I should have done it by now.

And I want to start doing the 8 minute abs every morning again too. 8 minutes, like having breakfast.

So, now Im going to shower, then do the 8 minute abs, then have my smoothy and go to work.

Check out this super cool meal I made for myself yesterday, salad, steak and veg YUM!

hopeless romantic

Would that a man who, apon first sight of me, his heart swells to that of double the size and in knowing me it stays this size and he feels satisfied by the growth of such an essential organ that feeds not only his life but his soul.

open your arms

i dont actually have any friends.

i mean, there is emily sure. but i dont see her all that often and she has her boyfriend and work and new career. then there are the people i know at work but they are just work friends. then there are the people i talk to online who ive never met but really, its like one conversation a week. of course there is brent, but he is in another country.

so when you look at it, my phone never rings. no one calls to say hi, how are you, or invite me out. i dont know if its cos ive been alone so long that i dont know how to make friends anymore. i feel like im too different. where are my kind of people and what are they like?

i went grocery shopping today and even tho it was midday monday, there were too many people and i got caught in a squash and i had this fleeting feeling like im turing into an agoraphobic. i thought, this city is so crowded its turning me into someone afraid to leave the house. i hate all the noise outside and the screaming children and the rude people and the overwhelming amount of choice and advertising bombarding my brain.

this is why i want to live on a beach. have a simple life. be uncrowded. be free to grow and create and not feel like i need to be more than i am all the time.

but now i am earning pittance. i think i need to get out of this city actually. i need to go somewhere its easy to make friends.

i need friends. im inclined to destroy myself because i have no friends. me, gorgeous, sexy, funny, clever, witty lisa - has no friends. probably because im also brash, defensive and picky.

i need friends.

whats it gonna be? whats it gonna be do you want me?

Speaking of hot Australians...
Met a group of Ozzies who came in for a late drink on Friday night with a fucking hot Korean in tow who turns out not to understand much English. Anyway, they invited me out for a drink after I finished work and I ended up just going round their place and getting pissed and trying to get gear but no one had cos it was now late.

Cameron, the cute one stayed up and we ended up kissing on the sofa. I cant believe Ive been so horny for weeks and then when Im presented with a horny guy, I just dont want it. He wasnt too pleased, but I cant blame him, he got me off, but I wouldnt let him have sex with me. We eventually went to bed and he tried again but he shares a room with a couple and I didnt want anything to happen cos Id be embaressed and well cos I just didnt wanna sleep with him. He's cute, but I just wasnt that attracted to him.

Anyway, everyone was cool even though Id stayed the night having just met them. I went home around midday and had lunch at work then met up with Cam, Jude, Jin the hot Korean and Tyson in Clapham Common. After the sun went down we went for more Magners Cider in a pub and I taught Jin some English, like how to say Different without pronouncing it Dipperent haha! He said I would make a lot of money if I went to Korea to teach English. He has such a hot body, tall and hard like Jet Li.


Anyway, Cameron and I seemed to get on ok without being a couple, I felt like I might sleep with him tonight. We came home, drank a bit and he cooked a mean chilli pasta, then I went to bed. Later he joined me, got me off again and yet again I just didnt want to sleep with him, by now the guy was pissed even though he didnt say anything, so I called a cab and came home.

But I was so twisted about it. I was like fuck, you want to get laid but then you stop and I know its because I didnt want a guy I hardly knew fucking me cos I gave it up. I wanna be fucked by someone who wants ME not someone who wants IT. So, I guess I do want that special guy.

So Im standing outside in my hotpants and vest waiting for the cab and I think back to last summer, lying in the park with another guy, Ade who I was fucking but he didnt care about ME. And I thought fuck man, youre always messing around with half-assed guys. You fucking deserve a hot guy who thinks the world of you and treats you like diamonds without losing himself in you.

I think I have some issues... I think maybe I dont realise how much I might not think that much of myself. Like, maybe I dont think I deserve what I do deserve. Emily says I am a total hottie. Everyday I get hooted at, whistled at, called at, hit on, or some other variation. I dont go unnoticed and I dont try to be noticed. I put it down to the blonde hair and the good body shape. Whatever, guys are attracted to me - from afar.

And I always attract guys in relationships. Am I just tempting and nothing more? Am I afraid to let people in? Have I been burned that much? Today even I wondered if I dont find it easy to make friends... I mean, I am gregarious, fiesty, flirtatious, shy, strong willed, and definately defensive. And why? Why am I so damn defensive? Yeah, Ive been let down, tons of times. Yeah I think its from years of wanting the best from people and just constantly being let down. Years of being disappointed because everyone is too afraid to LIVE.

I want to do so much and have so much fun and experience so much but I have yet to meet someone who is on the same wavelength as myself. Someone who has the same energy and drive, who wants to LIVE their life and doesnt sell out and work their life away. I dont know, I have so much to learn still.

I want that guy who can see me. Someone who takes the time to look, to notice, really. Who doesnt try and apply me to them but just lets me be and thinks that im perfect just the way I am but also pushes me to be better like a friend does.

God sometimes I just want to sleep for days, I need to get a life and I feel too exhausted from all this work to even take the time to think about what to do with myself. Basically, I need money and a British passport so I can go travelling. It takes 6 months to get the passport, six months to make £6000, then fuck off outta here to see America and Australia.


this is what happens to my room when all i do is go to work and come home and sleep and in between go out if i can... im actually quite a neat and tidy person

kkkkkkrrraaakkkk!

Read an article in UK Glamour about Adderell, a drug prescribed for ADHD sufferers, like ritalin, except this drug is more like coke. Did a search now on Google for it, lots of messages from parents giving their kids all kinds of things to help with the ADHD. It fucks me off no end that people give their kids pills to take! doctors told my mom to put me on Ritalin and she refused. I was highly intelligent and active yes, but you just needed to know how to handle me. Listen to your kids and learn to work with them, dont give them drugs so they work with you idiots!

Ive gone through my whole life, ADHD, depression, anxiety, etc without taking prescription drugs. yes, I spent 10yrs taking recreational drugs and I truly believe that Ecstacy turned my life around. It calmed me down and helped me to see things in a different light. Ive grown for the better ever since I took ecstacy when I was 16. unfortunataly i took shit like Ketamine when I was in my mid 20's but only for about a year and ill never touch it again as much as I enjoyed it while I did it, its a dangerous drug. yeah, ive done coke and speed too, but that was all part of my clubbing life back then. i still do coke now and then now too, but i do it cos im bored. Im so painfully bored with my life.

Everytime I imagine a new tattoo on my body, i always see it while im sitting on a surfboard in the ocean laughing at my friends just before we duck dive a wave. funny that...

The girls from work and I went to this touristy club called The Roadhouse in Covent Garden last night. I bought 7 tequilas (there were 7 of us!) and a double jack and coke and it cost £35! haha!

We proceeded to dance the night away and I really let lose. My intercostal muscle didnt hurt at all even though i was a right little beyoncé/fergie peas! hahaha! the boys all stood and watched as usual and i gave an impromtu lapdance to this guy who eventually took my number. i got nicely tipsy and got into bed at around 4am. i stupidly sent text msgs to Jay, about how i like having sex with him but i dont like asking for it. i sent one to Brent saying I just want a guy who will fuck me and feed me coke. he sent one back at about 3:30am saying he's got coke and there are some sexy straight guys with him. God how I wish I could go back. Sometimes I think about getting my British passport and going back for a summer to work with Brent on his social PR stuff and have a laugh, then on to America for their summer, then on to Australia for their summer. There are so many hot Australians, it wont take me long to get married. Or an STD haha! funny how Ive managed to never get an STD even after all the sex Ive had and the people Ive slept with...

God lets not talk about sex, I just want it everyday.

You know I definately enjoy performing, but in a sexy way. I love getting guys hot. I just wish I didnt have to do it in a lapdancing club. How can I do it on stage only? I have always loved inciting lust from dancing, even since I was like 6yrs old. I remember when I started my dancing career dancing on the bars in Rosebank, then I got asked to dance for the clubs.

I love having an audience.

Been reading Shealan's column, and he has all these projects on the go. I wish I could download his knowledge into my head. I know if I knew what he does, Id also have a lot of stuff on the go.

I need to get a flat like his with a big computer, double bed, and decks. I mean, the first thing I do when I get out of my bed is walk the two steps to my pc and switch it on, THEN I go pee. I often dont get stuff done cos I end up sitting at my pc for hours. Id probably have a hard body if I didnt have a pc...

Ive been thinking about getting a bar job at the Redback in Acton so I can do only bar work and met some young people like me maybe. But I really need to get this frikkin website on the go and make money from that cos I am earning pittance in a frikkin bar job. oh and I need to start getting signed up with casting agencies too. dont forget!

currently listening to: Dj Zinc podcast

no one plans to sleep here anyway

i got asked out for a drink tonight by a guy i think is kinda cute. his name is keiran and he is from australia. his mom is from the phillipines so he has that pacific island look about him, albeit skinny and sharp. he is starting a new job on monday as a social worker with people who have learning difficulties. he just turned 27 in may. :)

but i really want that mr healy pierced cutey to ask me out. apparently he will be in the pub on friday. i shall be wearing my fresh volcom boardshorts ;)

also, the other cutey from the decoration company, AD. he is kinda shy, but i can tell he likes me.

i have had so many drinks bought for me this past week! and so many compliments, i must be glowing! :D i hope its not cos im pregnant or something. i really shouldve had that test wen i got back from newquay. ill do it tomorrow, just to make doubly sure.

glad to have found out i only weigh 58kgs. i bought an exercise ball today and going to try get my dumbells back from my mom if i gave the lighter ones to charity. do an hour every morning. need to try go running with malene every morning too.

tomorrow i am working 1-3 and then 4-close so ill get up around 9am and start working on my dreamweaver book.

i also bought an all in one printer today but i need a USB cord which for some reason isnt supplied... i should have one from the other printer i had which i melted by putting it on top of my microwave. hey! i live in a bedsit, i dont hav much space!

also need to start trying out my skateboard. would be cool if i could skate around locally. will be good for my balance and core muscles. speaking of which, i have managed to pull my intercostal muscle under my left ribs and it fucking hurts! i couldnt bend down at work tonight and i cant lift anything, its sore when i press on it too. im always in the wars lol!

ian pooley - a better life

wow, i only have to be at work at 4pm today, its so nice to be able to spend time in my room and sort my shit out that has been accumulating over the weeks cos ive been too busy to do anything apart from sleep in between shifts.

gonna go check out the gym down the road from my house, maybe even go on the sunbed since i havent had a chance to lie in the sun and today is overcast for the first time in a week!

i worked out, from saturday to friday this week i will have worked 63 hours!!! and all ill get for my trouble is about £270. fucking sucks. still, the tips keep me from using my bank account and cos i work so many shifts, i never have to buy my own food. im also losing weight slowly. i weigh 58kgs (9.12 stone) which is much better than the 63kgs i weighed recently. when i start weight training again and get my days free to go running, ill lose even more, but its not so much losing as wanting to be firm and to fit into my favourite diesel jeans again!

i am loving the smoothies i make for myself. what a great idea it was to buy a blender. i put half a punnet of strawberries in, 1/4 to a half a pot or organic natural yoghurt, a table spoon of organic honey and away we go! nice meal if the food at work is uninspiring.

there are two courses i want to go on in july. 1st one is an acting class for 2 weeks, all day tues - sat. and the next one is straight after that and is video production and editing for a week mon - fri all day and i just realised it would be so much better for me to do full day courses for a week than evening courses once a week for 12 weeks. the acting course costs £230 and the film course costs £215. it will also mean i start a habit of working nights only.

had dinner with mom last night to discuss my website plan. she was lukewarm about it. sometimes i think she is so caught up in her own world. i dont know. she is so thin right now. she looks good, but still she only weighs like 53kgs. she says she wants to become an escort or topshelf model. im like ma, youve just turned 48. yeah, you have a great body, but your face shows the sun damage and well i guess i just dont want her to get hurt.

anyway, started reading some good books last night. kiss my tiara (female empowerment) and mama gena's owners and operators guide to men which is pretty funny.

oh this cute boy from the interior decorating company whos staff are always in the pub watching the footy came in the other day with 4 of the guys from the company. i swear they only hire good looking australians, ive met four of them from the same company now! anyway, he had a lip rin and two eyebrow rings and a holed earlobe and was so damn CUTE! mr healy, i looked at his debit card hehe. apparently he wants to give me his number.

apparently this other guy was checking me out at work the other day. i didnt notice and i was surprised. emily says i am drop dead gorgeous. i dont see it. i can be, but im not every day. i want to be happy and enthusiastic. energetic and magnetic.

yeah, if im going to waitress, i gotta have other things on the go. these courses will be good for me. theyll inspire me and i will meet other like minded people. insted of buying a laptop just yet, i can go on the courses. and on the side, keep working on the website idea. when mom leaves her job at the end of the month, we're gonna do shoots for my website and im gonna get simon to help me set up a new professional looking one and get damn ticketsclub to set up a members area for me! Miss Honeychild :)

why do my best ideas come to me when i am in that place between sleep and wake. they just flow so easily and if i wake up to write it down, it doesnt flow so good... maybe its cos thats wen im most relaxed.

british passport
money
flat
dj
website
travel.

kiss my tiara says now is the time to be waitressing and exploring my options and travelling. i am still ok even tho i am nearly 28!

and i will never meet a guy if i have nothing to say for myself. so what do you do? oh, im a waitress. that all? um yeah...

no no no lisa! im waitressing while i take courses and work out at the gym and i have little projects on the go. thats it lisa. get the website up with photos for members and save the money to travel once you get your british passport. everything else is just gravy.

iz & diz - love it, dub it (fred everything's love it remix)

PLAN:

1) send off naturalisation application

2) find new place to live where i can play music

3) buy decks and records, start making mixes, get gigs again

4) work out at gym, do shoots with mom, set up website

5) film burlesque performances too

harlow honeychild

I just signed up for godsgirls.com and its crap. SG is SO much better!

I have changed my name to Harlow. I like it. May even go as far as naming myself Harlow Honeychild.

Id love a pair of boxer puppies called harlow and honeychild, wouldnt that be cute. a boy and a girl.

would be nice if i had a place of my own where i could keep them and also the money to afford to feed them!

yeah, would be nice if i had a little garden flat where i could have a dog, some turntables, a projector for movie nights, a huge bookshelf for all the books i read, a double bed inhabited by a sexy, horny guy as often as possible and a kitchen i can actually cook some normal food in.

yeah, would be real nice.

and to afford it all, i model, dj and dance and when im not doing that, im on a surf trip to places like queensland, southern california, hawaii and costa rica.

would be perfect.

i can make it happen too

i need to make this into a poster

No one can know the potential,
Of a life that is committed to win;
With courage - the challenge it faces,
To achieve great success in the end!

So, explore the Dimension of Greatness,
And believe that the world CAN be won;
By a mind that is fully committed,
KNOWING the task can be done!

Your world has no place for the skeptic,
No room for the DOUBTER to stand;
To weaken your firm resolution
That you CAN EXCEL in this land!

So, possess the strength and the courage,
To conquer WHATEVER you choose;
It's the person WHO NEVER GETS STARTED,
That is destined FOREVER to lose!

whos that young girl dressed in blue?

i can also film me doing burlesque and pole dances.

ive always dreamed of doing a striptease to eva cassidy's wade in the water.

so, i can be a striptease model, a burlesque performer and a dj, as well as use my powers of seduction to get men to send me loads of money so i can save up to go travelling!

instead of working for someone else, i work for me, doing what i love - performing!

I NEED TO GET MY DAYS FREE

im exhausted

working double shifts all week, i dont know how much more i can take, and they treat you like children there. id rather have bar job.

so ive been thinking, i want my days free to go weight training, swimming, play tennis, lay in the park and work on my website on my laptop i want to buy while i wait for my british citizenship. i have grown so fat. well, fat for me. its actually uncomfortable.

ive also been thinking about re-buying my company Bresler Creative and launching myself as a DJ/Model/Dancer. I got some great tips from this awesome girl who gave me connections in cornwall to do these things. she says i mustnt do them in london or ill never get out.

then today, i thought, why dont i set up a suicide girls type website for myself. instead of trying to become a suicide girl, make the business myself. ive learned, instead of trying to get hired, start your own company. i want to be my own boss and answer only to myself.

and it also works in the valentin deville type way. you pay to see my striptease photos and you can send me gifts and you can be one of my subjects who works to send me money cos im beautiful and strong and i know it. just like she does. i dont have to aim at purely financial masochists.

so i need a good website made and im prepared to pay money to eto £400 for it.

carphone sent me a letter today saying theyd overpaid me and i owe them £556. great.

yesterday while in the park with emily, i told gorgio he should spend a weekend in london. hehehe ;)

i also got to have great porno sex in jay's lounge yesterday. god i love having sex, but it sucks being this horny and not being able to have sex everyday with a hot guy who has a good cock and knows how to get me off.

i also thought about filming myself having sex with guys and selling it on the internet. that way, i get to star in my own pornos and not some dodgy uk porn companies. i like having sex, i may as well get paid for it!

so, the plan is to get days off to work on this project and work on my body which is SO out of shape.

this weather is so frikkin awesome, i swear if i had a day free to lie in the park, id be so brown, but they got me working non stop and i need the money. £5.15 an hour doesnt go far, but fuck its exhausting work! GEEZ!

good life, good life, its a good life, good life

i made a new friend today.

her name is malene and she is from denmark even though she sounds like she is from new zealand. she is 33 and we waitress together at the pub down the road from my house. we had some drinks after work tonight and she is a cool chick. she used to ride and own horses too!

we are going to go out together.

tomorrow, i am meeting jay, the sexy vietnamese who i have great sex with before spending the day in the park with emily and a few litres of cider. then i am working 6-close tomorrow night.

im glad i have made a cool new friend. she has a little white apple ibook G4 >jealous<>

mmm, sex with jay and then a park picnic with my best friend emily - couple litres cider and a gram a charlie in the sunshine - doesnt get much better than that! woot!

lisa, dont forget emily's present you bought for her in amsterdam!!!

xxx

no ones gonna giv it to you, you hav to make it for yourself

sometimes i fantasise about quietly destroying myself.

as though it would give me something to do, and allow me to feel creative.

like chain smoking and popping uppers and downers - like those neurotic women in movies who do the same, i find something strangely glamorous and admirable in those women.

i think its the self discipline. i admire the self control an anorexic has.

every now and then i have moments of self realisation at how wonderful and capable i am and i tell myself, everything will be just fine, despite the many shortcomings society will have me believe i posses.

but i become so impatient in working towards this perfection that will bring me the satisfaction i crave for myself. they say, if you want something bad enough, you will find a way of making it happen. so why dont i make more of an effort to reach the goals i so badly want?

we are afraid of our own success.

sometimes i wish i was living with brent, or at least near by so we could be coke heads together. i want to buy grams to do, to lose weight and i dont know, maybe give myself something to do.
im not doing much else.

ive always liked those skinny chain smoking coke head girls. the ones who can wear anything and look great and they have loads of friends.

i dont really have any friends, apart from emily, but i hardly see her. so my life is empty.
i want a bunch of friends to go out with, go on holiday with.

i spend my days working and sleeping and sitting at my computer.

im working 12 hour shifts for pittance and i dont see how to make a life out of it. i dont want this. but i dont know what i do want.

i want sunshine, and good sex. neither of which are abundant in this city.

i want an audience.

my room is in a constant state of chaos. clothes strewn everywhere, empty food cartons, ashtray, my computer fighting for space amoungst the many books and papers and little things that fill in the inbetweens.

i want more tattoos, but i am so changeable, im afraid i will regret them one day.

sleep is my only peace.

i think about living the life i want and i am still not sure i would be satisfied with even that. i dont even know what would truly satisfy me, and what if i never find out? what if i hit 40 and look back and go, what the fuck have i been doing?

im not a materials artist. im more of a performance artist. but even still, if that is so, why dont i make it happen?

what am i doing with my life? trying to pay bills. what life is that?

im a thinker. so, should i be a writer?

i want lots of things but i dont want to work for them. i like to think i would work for something if i really wanted it, but i have such a short attention span, i cant dedicate myself to something for long enough because i always get side tracked.

im not concerned about money until i need ti to do something i want to do. and then i am frustrated that i cant live my life because i cant afford it.

i realised today, my desire to escape is directly proportional to how trapped i feel, and i feel most trapped in an office job, or a job that doesnt feed my creative need. my need to have an audience. i find some solace in thinking there are people who read this blog and enjoy reading it. that they may learn things from some of what i write.

i am definately a comedic, with excellent comic timing.

sometimes i wish i could switch my brain off, it certainly gets in the way of experience.

i like the idea of being a writer like carrie in sex and the city. i loved the parts where the camera would zoom in on her writing a question about life. but who would i write for? who would read me?

i have to remind myself to broaden my limitations. if i paint a tree, i paint the leaves green and the trunk brown. i am logical in that way. but i have to remind myself, if i am to be a writer, it doesnt mean i have to write a novel. if i am to be a painter, it doesnt mean i have to paint on canvas, i can paint furniture - broaden your limitations.

i love the idea of having a laptop, sitting in a pub, or the park, or on the train, writing, or working on something. i envy people who sit in the pub at their laptops. whole days free to be creative.

sometimes i am hit with such inspiration and i love reading my own stuff. there must be an audience out there for me. an audience who will pay my bills.

ive always just wanted something creative to say when people ask me what i do. i hate saying im a waitress or a secretary. how boring. what a conversation killer. but if i say, im a dj, or a dancer, or a writer, then people ask questions. i am more interested in answering questions people ask me than asking questions.

id be more happy if i felt like i was actually DOING something... i love having just come back from somewhere. having just had an experience, having something to say.

i remember when i started this blog, i once wrote an exerpt from one of my fantasies. im sitting at home, in front of the laptop, working on something when my man comes home from work, and says, hi babe, kisses me on the head as he goes into the bedroom and then says "lets go for a surf" and i jump up and grab the boards, we go for a surf, come home, open the wine, talk about whatever, then make love, before doing it all again tomorrow.

yeah, live in a hot country, with an honourable, sexy, inspiring man and be a writer, surfing as much as i can. surfing in water that doesnt require a wetsuit.

if someone from a hot country with water like that would marry me, i could have the life i want.

my favourite movies are the ones where the man falls for the girl as soon as he sees her and spends most of the movie trying to get her. i want that for me.

ive spent my whole life being wanted by men because i arouse sexual passion in them, but im not sure anyone has loved me because they are amazed by me.

sure, i am very sexual, but i am tired of being a fuck pump. being wanted only when i give it away. its such a short lived gratification - like masturbating. or poppers. but you do it cos there is nothing else to do.

i was so attracted to my tattooist in amsterdam, and he to me. he had me sit with him as much as possible over the two days and we ended up texting eachother and he wanted me to go see him so we could get it on. sure, i fantasised about it, practically lost a whole nights sleep over it, but i want someone to be amazed by me. not seduced by my lust.

im a pretty fucking amazing person, but its not enough anymore just for me to think it. because, i am also my own worst enemy.