ticklish teusday

this morning, i arrived at work just as he got to his desk, we smiled hello to eachother. later, he was at the photocopier behind my desk and i asked if there was paper in it as we had run out. he said yes, but he seemed to be having a problem, so i went over to help him and got a chance to stand real close to him. feel the heat of his body and the size of him next to me, up close. i was nearly shaking and thankfully didnt blush. we took a look at eachother and he has sexy chinese eyes but i dont think he is chinese. he is about six foot tall, well built, divine hands, smooth tanned skin, shaved head, lush lips, just lovely. i think he is a bit shy, he didnt seem arrogant. he seems the quite, good hearted type. i do hope he wants to get to know me. it feels like he is looking my way a lot more. i think its since he found the post it note i left on the photocopied pictures of himself playing rugby with some kids on his desk that read "you are SO fine. L." its not there anymore, and ever since, he has been a lot more smiley to me.

i remember thinking lee was stuck up and arrogant cos he didnt talk to me at pop and it turns out he was just really shy. i think its the same with this guy. im so glad that on the bus to work this morning i decided to curb my raging furnace of lust for him and just be friendly. i mean, the most attractive girl is the one who smiles and isnt threatening. i think that helped in our first proper encounter today over the photo copier. oh man he is so sexy. i just want to see him naked and touch his skin, and know what its like to be kissed by him. i want to know where he is from and what he thinks about life and if he is at school cos he seems to work part time. he dresses pretty cool too. i cant make out what trainers he's wearing but they arent sport ones, definately skate type ones, but smoother. he has lost a bit of condition but then havent we all, its been winter so long, i bet he looks mind blowing when he is buff. just like i do!

ive been rollerblading to my moms these past couple days. today i rode my bike but it makes such a rattling noise, it definately needs to get fixed. i want to get some aggressive inline skates cos i reckon theyll be easier to use than recreational skates which seem to have too much skate! and mine are old and rickety yet i still havent managed to fall on my arse yet haha!

going to buy a second hand skateboard tomorrow and learn to ride that too. i laughed when i thought, i know how to ride a man, a horse and a bicycle, but i wanna learn to ride a skateboard and a surfboard too hahahahaa!

next pay cheque ill buy an indo board and learn to ride that. next week i start swimming cos mom will be back from dubai and i wont have to go feed slinky after work every night. once my bike is fixed i can ride that up to the swimming pools on the weekends too. i want a buff body come summertime. god what the hell am i gonna wear!

i really hope i manage to keep this job for six months. most of the time i feel like im teetering on the edge and i dont know if im just being paranoid but the girl before me was pretty fucking good at the job and i have a lot of reasons why im not just as good namely, i dont care for a 9-5 job and ive been temping so long that im not used to actually working for my money... i dont know, the work is really simply but the time just seems to slip past me too quickly and ill be damned if i stay late to do filing! i just cant find the motivation to do the work. its all little odd jobs, call this person, arrange that meeting, file this, set this up, sort this out, i dont find it stimulation at all and im the kind of person who needs smelling salts under my nose 24/7 or ill sleep my life away.

looking forward to bedrock on thursday night. got a text from that dj i pulled at twisted melon, steve to say hi and maybe he'll see me at bedrock. guess he was just seeing wether he'd have a willing play partner there if he felt like playing. ah boys, always thinking women exist for their pleasure... its a pity too many women think that they exist for that very reason! STOP PANDERING TO MEN. theyre just little boys, always have been and always will be.

its funny, i hardly ever think of lee now and if i do, its like my mind wont stay on the subject. he seems a distant memory now even though it was only a month ago we broke up.

21st April my 3 month probation will be up. i am totally stressing that theyre gonna say they want someone better than me. that probably wont happen, but i worry that theyre dissappointed in me, that they wish theyd hired someone who was better at the job. but i just cant focus on the job, it doesnt interest me. the only thing that keeps me sane in this job is the pay cheque and the hot guy thrill, otherwise, id rather be doing something else.

oh man i hope i find something to do when i leave this job. six -12 months and i will be out of there. i dont care if i end up waitressing at spearmint rhino, but if i have to do that because it lets me go to school during the day and learn something like video editing or web design or acting, whichever i get into, then im fine with that. ok, so ill be 28, but fuck man, i cannot work a 9-5 my whole life. i would rather be poor and true to my heart than rich and a zombie.

the key is to save up as much as i can. pay off my debts so my money is my own. go travelling. keep learning. follow my heart. honour my desires and the world will bless me.

i am so lucky to be who i am and have the ability to understand what i do.

but i still do think: my life is going to be great, just as soon as i get out of this place. and by that i mean, free of my debt and off travelling.

emily asked me to go on a road trip across america next summer. that would be so rad, but i keep thinking, do i have the time for that? i mean, i want to go to australia, on my surf trip, make money and this road trip and then what, ill be like 32 or something and i want kids round that time! but there's me trying to plan my life as usual. why do i do that? maybe cos we moved so much wen i was growing up, i desperately want to have some sort of security...

i want to get my website up and running again. take the approach of a goddess/queen who has doting subjects who buy her gifts and send her money in honour of her beauty and greatness. ok, so i wasnt making as much as i expected and i kept changing my approach, but ive learned enough to know what id like to be with it. even if i get £100 - £300 a week, thats still good money to put aside, buy a video camera or a surf trip with and sunbed sessions. im going to use the sunbed in newquay wen im there in may cos i reckon itll be cheaper. if they have one... lol

it will be nice to have some extra pocket money, even if it is sporadic, with a set income, its a nice bit of icing on the cake. i just need to build a better website and get a members section set up and then it will be cool. yeah, i think i should dedicate some time over this easter weekend to studying my dreamweaver books and starting a new, better looking website. i also need to get some new photos taken.

p!nks new album

fucking rocks!
id stopped liking her until i downloaded her new album cos she hadnt been around for so long but talk about quality VS quantity.

oh man, this chick just keeps getting better and better. she speaks the truth in a world full of lies and warped perceptions. and her voice is so awesome. i remember going to her last album tour on my own and i was so close to her and her voice was so enormous.

dear mr president is a beautiful beautiful song.

u + ur hand is exactly what i think of all the fucking macho mouth off's that prance around the clubs.

oh man, just so much of how i feel sung in such a beautiful voice.

its been a while...

Hey, so its been quite a while since I posted here. Ive been keeping myself pretty busy since the new year started.

so lets recap:

January: started an online financial domination website, made nearly a grand. lee and i had lots of fun hanging out.

February: got a permanent job as a PA working for a well known large company a bus ride away from home, paying exactly what I wanted. really busy job, cool team, we all have lunch together in the canteen and its very team building based. lee broke up with me quite out of the blue which was quite a shocker.

March: did my life in the UK test and passed it in 5 mins. just gotta get porly and nickie to sign it again and then i can post it off! sooner the better. went out a couple times, had a laugh, messed around with a couple boys, both a waste of time, but i was bored. not really looking for anyone, i know the man for me doesnt live in london and i wont meet him on a night out and if i do, then it was meant to be, but i dont expect it.
started reading this book "Bohemian Manifesto: A guide to living on the edge" by Larvin Stover and it was like having myself explained to me. finally i know who I am and what im about and why im so different and why i feel the way i do about everything and why i dont fit in and why i never will and most importantly that all this is OKAY and PERFECT! i soaked it up like a religion starved zeelot, this book is my bible!

"bohemian - upsetting the status quo with disturbing and unorthodox behaviour and ideas"
"bohemian - outlaws that break societys rules but want societies approval"
"bohemian - a non conformist writer or artist who lives an unconventional life"

"the bohemian is not like the creature of society, a victim of rules and customes; she steps over them with an easy, graceful, joyous unconciousness, guided by the principles of good taste and feeling"

"a bohemian can describe any person who lives an unconventional artistic life, where self expression is the highest value"

"bohemian - a person with artistic or literary interests who disregards conventional standards of behaviour"

"bohemian - living beyond convention"

"society has led me to believe I am a failure, incomplete, not good enough, simple because i choose to live by my own laws, goverened by my own desires" - Lisa TW 2006

I am a millionaire in spirit!

What do I bring to the table? Never ending intrigue and entertainment!

~

And so I sit here this past week, sick with tonsilitis and im morbidly glad of the break it is giving me from work. I was beginning to feel like those people in straight jackets trying to wrestle free. This 9-5 thing really, really just, I cant explain it to anyone unlike me, they will never understand, but I am an artist, I cannot answer to other people, be ruled by other people - it drives me crazy, its like the very soul of me is being washed with paint stripper. But I bite my tongue and i sit on the raging animal in the box, try and keep it quite because this job is a means to an end. im only there cos the money will pay off the bank, and my mom and if i manage to stay there a year, ill have something to go travelling with.

its sure nice to have money tho. ive signed up for an acting workshop for beginners class which starts in two weeks, which should be fun. i still think i have a shot at being an actress, maybe ill be really good at it? i have an idea i will. but i dont want to be a struggling actress. i want to do it for the experience. i want to act because it will give me a chance to live more than one life. ill get to live all these people, experience all these things, see all these places and tell stories. and yeah, if i make money from it, ill be able to go on animal conservation volunteering trips and become a philanthropist and give lots of money to animal charities and raise awareness like cameron diaz. ive also signed up for a dreamweaver course, i really want to learn how to use it properly. i see they have a japanese course starting in january which id like to do. im also thinking about doing something on saturdays, either a marcial art or ballet. so itll be acting on mondays, swimming on tues and wed, web design on thurs, chill on fri and martial art/ballet on saturdays. i think i need to do stuff or ill go insane just working and sleeping as tho im a machine you can just switch on and off. i wanted to sign up for one of their painting courses too, but then i would be doing three classes a week.

having money has afford me those classes and ive also bought a flight down to newquay for the weekend of the 6/7th may. this guy who designed errant's website said i should come down, there is some surf comp on and a party and marcus has said i can stay at his. dont know why marcus has just gone off line all the time now, its pretty weird. so its something to look forward to. get a couple surf lessons in. think ill book a week in portugal through errant as well, maybe last week of july. derrian says he's coming over for 2 weeks in august which will be rad. would be cool if i had my own place he could come stay at. will be rad to be tanned and toned wen he comes over. miss that boy. we can go to loads of gigs together will be RAD!

i wanna get a skateboard and learn to skate to teach myself balance but paypal has closed my account cos of my website and so ill have to see if i can get one off gumtree maybe instead of buying a brand new one. wanna get more surf/skate clothing. thought about making a t shirt that says "if you dont surf or skate, im not interested" hahaha!

wanna lose a stone, I weigh like 10stone. 65kgs, more than ive weighed in a good few years, its just not on. i wanna weigh 58kgs or 9 stone. i dont even eat that much and i dont eat junk food, i drink 2ltrs of water a day, so its not my diet, i just dont exercise. but my job like takes up my whole day, its crazy, i dont know how people work 9-5's their whole lives!?

this job will be the last ever 9-5 i have. man, i said i will work there a year unless i get fired and then after that year, i will leave and go on my surf trip and film it and make a bit of money from the dvds which i will produce myself. fuck it man. i have one life. just fucking do what you love. i already have the soundtrack and the soundbytes in mind that i want, what sort of footage everything. i just wish i was a few years younger. i feel like hitting 30 is getting a bit old to be cool... ? im definately noticing how im not young anymore despite people telling me 27 is still way young. its not 20 anymore. its not 17 anymore. i dont have my whole life ahead of me in the way of time to fuck up. this is it man, do or die. and right now, this 9-5, its like dieing.

every single time i get into a 9-5 i start going crazy. i start getting all bummed out. i feel like im locked up, watching my life pass me by in the window outside. and im like LET ME OUT, IM 27, I DONT HAVE ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD TO MAKE THE ROAD!

yeah man, once im done with this job, i am DONE with "proper" clothes and polite conversation and "who's calling, please hold" and "sure ill photocopy that for you, you dumb fuckass cos i know you cant work out how to press the goddamn copy button on the machine!"

i dont want to be surrounded by all these zillions of people who are like puppets, sheep, default machines just consuming like ever greedy babies and defiling this beautiful planet with their ignorance. i want to go somewhere there are less people, or even if there arent less people, im just passing through. i am not like you, dont talk to me like i am.

i dont even know how im gonna get through the next six months of this job let alone an entire year. its only been 2 months and already im itching like a herion addict. man this blog is so gonna be a bestselling book one day haha! its like, i feel like, when i find that part of me, that little like, fucking, like that thing they have in smallville that opens the portal or something, like that little diamond shaped key or something, i feel like when i find that and i unlock my full potential, oh man the world better watch out because i am a force to be reckoned with AND im a woman! i am the most powerful being on this earth just because im a woman and because i ask questions. men throughout the ages have been trying to destroy women like me. men used pure force to overcome women because they know how much stronger we are than they are in every way apart from physical strength. dont get me wrong. i dont think men are beneath me, or that they should be slaves. i dont condone fucking a man up the arse with a strap on and dressing him up in womens clothing to prove my superiority to him. just my existence is proof enough. but i am sick to the back teeth of this macho stance that men feel they have to have and i laugh out loud at the millions of men who secretly just want to be dominated lovingly. every proudly strutting mucho mouth off needs a good hard slap from a loving strong woman to put him in his place and shut him the hell up cos not even he likes himself.

but whatever, to hell with society. what has society done for me? for the world? what and who is society? everyone keeps blaming society, oh its the government? yet the government is made up of human beings who need and want the exact same things that you and i do? so no one is to blame but ourselves.

fucking hell im starting to sound like a raging activist.

but im uncomfortable. i resent that i have to work this 9-5 to get me out of this debt and pay for the life i really want. I DO NOT WANT THIS LIFE. oh its nice here and there, when i go out with my mates and we have a laugh like last weekend back at emilys. yeah, its like a breath of fresh air. but its like 1% and the rest is work and i just cant accept that bargin. we'll give you 1% of freedom and joy and the rest of the time you must work.

FUCK YOU.

I will do what I want. As my heart desires. and yes I may live in poverty but at least my head will be free from someone's ass to be able to view the beauty of this glorious planet.

i really hope these classes and the swimming will help the time fly by and all the while my debts will be paid off and i will accumulate coins to go travelling. which reminds me, nooly said moz will be over in june or july. that should prove interesting. i wonder if he will actually want to spend any time with me... who knows. all i know is i am so sick of love songs, so sick of tears, er no, what i was saying is, all i know is i am so sick of being cold! goddamn bring me the sunshine so that i may feel some small releaf from my melancoly.

everyday i am at work i half expect to be fired because i am too unorthadox. i feel like i am a wolf in sheeps clothing, a fake who will found out at any moment. im constantly expecting to be told to go because im simply not suitable and while i would be more than pleased to leave, i do need the money.

to me, a 9-5 is like being a whore. you dont want to do it, but the money's good.