Catharsis

Have you ever wanted to be consensually beaten up?  To have someone hurt you, so that you can feel physically the pain inside?  To somehow become free of it, or in charge of it, get a handle on it.  To be in control of it instead of be controlled by it?

I completely understand S&M now.  When I was younger I could never understand how you could become sexually aroused by pain.

That is, until my father hit me till my nose bled.  Then I understood how some people sexualise trauma as a way to handle it.

And then years late I saw this movie where this couple would beat each other up as foreplay and found myself wanting to experience that.

I think its the realness.  The rawness.  The fucking honesty.  Sex and violence, our base humanity and yet so taboo.

We're all so fucking afraid of each other, and ourselves and we cover up.  We cover up and cover up.  Doesnt it just make you insane?  To be so cloistered by the fake and futile bullshit.

I guess we all self destruct in our various ways, but sometimes, I would like to give someone the gift of breaking it all down and bringing me back to raw.

A message to the whole world from anonymous

Saint Saviour - This Ain't No Hymn

Full body goosebumps!

Emeli Sande - Heaven (Mojam Remix)

reach for the lazers safe as fuckkk!

Delilah - Go [OFFICIAL VIDEO]

The Male Disease - George Carlin

Brian Bradley - The X Factor U.S. - Audition - Ep. 4

STOP LOOKIN AT MY MOM! I want this song on my iPod!!

Anxiety, Apathy and Ambition

I find myself swinging between anxiety, apathy and ambition. 

I have days where I am anxious about my relationship, my life.  Then days and days where I just dont feel a damn thing and I dont do anything.  Which usually is followed by anxiety because Ive not done a damn thing or earned any money.  Then I'll have a couple days of ambition where I get things done, work and make enough money to scrape by...

Thinking of going to the Dr to see if I can get different meds.  Citalopram is not working for me.

Im meant to have a colposcopy on Tuesday, they have to cut some bad cells out of my cervix.  After having the cells tested, I didnt want to go back! Now I have to have surgery :(  Not happy.  I was hoping my health freak ways would prevent this. 

Mom bought me a car.  I dont trust it however and want to get it serviced but I need the funds first, and I wont drive it anywhere longhaul till I know its in good shape.  We bought it straight off the internet before checking it out.  It runs just fine, but I want it checked.  Petrol is so expensive since I last drove in the UK.  £20 for 14litres.

Now that I have a car thought, I can go volunteer on all the local farms and go on all the low-impact and self-sufficienct living courses Ive been wanting to go on.  And go to local farmers markets.

I still havent surfed my board but I have skated my longboard with J.  I wiped out and smacked the back of my head but I got straight up and J said he was really impressed with me for doing that, I was kinda offended that he seemed so surprised, doesnt he know Im a tough cookie?  It made me wonder what he thinks of me!

We hit a rocky patch and I didnt think we were gonna make it, but then we had lots of rebonding sex and things were great.  Its hard being in a long term relationship and I still doubt wether he is the one despite him being great and wanting the same things as me, he is still a boy and Im realising I want to be with someone more responsible.  I think his weed smoking, hip-hop loving and 15yr old dressing boyishness is starting to annoy me...

I love him but I wonder where its going.  Then again, Im not even sure where my life is going...